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What goes through a guy's mind during sex

This was in my blog for a while, but I decided to throw it out there and let all enjoy. Plus I got tired of scrolling past the long post in my blog each time.

is part of a discussion in the Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics forum that includes topics on Big penis jokes, small penis jokes, amusing anecdotes.


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Old 05-04-2005   #1 (permalink)
D_Barbi_Queue is offline
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This was in my blog for a while, but I decided to throw it out there and let all enjoy. Plus I got tired of scrolling past the long post in my blog each time. :D It was found on ubersite.com.

Quote:
I was once having a conversation with Jesus and our girlfriends and Razor's house, and an interesting subject came up. (And yes, I purposely included the name of an uberuser guru in a pale attempt to gain popularity) Anyway, someone asked, "Why are guys so quiet in bed." And while this is by no means true for all guys, here is my answer.

Guys are quiet in bed because we are too busy thinking. You heard me right. Thinking. Deep thoughts. You see, it seems to generally the guy's job, (at least in my experience) to make the girl feel as good as possible and have sweet, sweet orgasms. The girl, on the other hand, is generally content to just lay back and see what I've got to offer. Again, I can't speak for anyone else, this is just in my personal experience.

Not only am I thinking during sex, I am multi-tasking. My neuro-net processor of a brain is pounding algorithms as fast as my penis is pounding pussy.

Just what is going through my head during sex? Like the moon, this is a frontier so far journeyed only by man. But here is a small window of what goes on in my head during sex:


"Alright, time for some action"
"I hope I don't fuck up this time"
"Is that the right hole?"
"Oh wait, there it is"
"All right, lets start out slow"

It isn't long before my thoughts turn into a quiet panic.

BRAIN: "Damn, she just moved."
BRAIN: "Did I do something right, or did I hurt her"
<soft moaning starts>
BRAIN: "She's making noises!"
BRAIN: "Pain noises or pleasure noises?"
BRAIN: "Let try stepping up the pace a little"
<increased moaning"
BRAIN: "More noises, I pretty sure that's pleasure now"
BRAIN: "Oh yeah, she's starting to flush, I like that"
BRAIN: "Lets try changing the angle a bit"
.............................
BRAIN: "Nope, didn't like that"
<Moans quieting>
BRAIN: "Damn, what was I doing before?"
BRAIN: "Fuck it, lets try a different position"
WOMAN: "OUCH!"
BRAIN: "Yeah....that one was definitely pain>
WOMAN: "What are you doing?"
BRAIN: "Mayday! Mayday!"
BRAIN: "Decrease Velocity!"
BRAIN: "Open flaps"
BRAIN: "Landing gear engaged"
BRAIN: "Disengage primary thrusters"
BRAIN: "Systems check"
ME: "You allright?"
WOMAN: "Uh....Yeah"
BRAIN: "No system damage"
ME: "Allright, lets try this again"

—five minutes later....computer pretty much takes over—
BRAIN: "Allright, back on track"
<Moans increasing in volume and frequency>
BRAIN: "Target in sight, hold position"
<Full body blush commencing>
BRAIN: "C'mon.......C'mon"
<Back arching>
BRAIN: "Hold it......Hold it....."
COMPUTER: WARNING! WARNING!
COMPUTER: ERR-ERR-ERR
BRAIN: "Oh shit"
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD IMMINENT
BRAIN: "Oh shit, not yet!"
<Moaning above 80 decibals>
BRAIN: "Just a little longer"
COMPUTER: DANGER HULL INTEGRITY
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD COMMENCING
BRAIN: "FUCK! I'm not going to make it"
BRAIN: "Pull out and prepare for manual override"
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD __________
BRAIN: "Pull out, pull out"
COMPUTER: AUTO PILOT ENGAGED
BRAIN: "NO! UNENGAGE! UNENGAGE!"
COMPUTER: TARGET LOCKED....TARGET LOCKED
BRAIN: "If I cum now, will it be too soon?"
BRAIN: "If I cum now, will it be too soon?"
BRAIN: "If I cum now, will it be too soon?"
COMPUTER: <Target heart rate reached>
COMPUTER: <Breathing nominal>
BRAIN: "Must....hold....on"
COMPUTER: <FEMALE ORGASM COMMENCING>
BRAIN: "can't.....hold it"
COMPUTER: <FEMALE ORGASM COMMENCING>
BRAIN: "Its out of my control, its in God's hands now"
COMPUTER: "PRIMARY VALVE: EJACULATING"
<keeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrr SPLAT!>
COMPUTER: "AUTOMATIC SYSTEM SHUT DOWN: COMMENCING"
<THUD>
WOMAN: "Honey, are you alright?"
ME: Yeah.....my head hurts...."
WOMAN: "Sorry" <blush>
ME: No, the other head"
WOMAN: "What?"
ME: Nothing"
ME: Did you cum"
WOMAN: "What, you didn't notice"
ME: Actually, I was kinda too busy to notice"
WOMAN: "You're so weird"
ME: You should try being the pilot next time"
WOMAN: "Get off me, I need to pee"

Do you ever find that pre-orgasm expression on a guys face funny?
Ever wonder what he's feeling"
Its not pain
Its not pleasure
It is deep, hard, seething thought.

(in Paul Harvey's voice) ...and now you know....the rest of the story.
D_Barbi_Queue is offline  
Old 05-04-2005   #2 (permalink)
viking is offline


OK, so that was hillarious!

Sitcom material even.

Personally, I think much slower than that during sex.
It's more like:

MMM , that smells good,
Where's the lube?
Damn these caps, they are all different.
I wish this just came in a jar with an opening large enough for my hand.

There, ahhh, hmm? More, MMM that's it.

HHMMMM, ready for my big cock honey?
AHHHHHHHHH, (holding breath)
In out, in more, out, in a little more, out
IN ALL THE WAY! ahhhh (exhale)

Let's see, do these legs go up all the way today?
Nope! ok, yea, that's it!

Slow....MMMMM.....Deep.....MMMMM
Repeat!

Then my mind kinda goes numb for a while as I work up a good slow rythym.

**idea! Where's that vibrator?
Here, honey. I lube it up and hand it over to her.

She places it accordingly, (Where, i don't care)
But the vibrations feel great OHHHH< my cock shuddders.

I should play with her ass.
I reach around and start exploring.
More lube. MMM that's it.

Everything's starting to swell!
AHHHAHHH, slow down, slow down.
UUUUGHHHGHHH, pounding hard now.
Hold on, hold on,
ahh, she's starting to kick, keep going,

That's about all I can remember without making the rest up.

Mostly just loud caveman like sounds.
Lot's of thrashing around but not much thinking going on.

:evilgrin:

When life gives you lemons, peel the fuckers and throw them at unsuspecting passers by.
viking is offline  
Old 05-04-2005   #3 (permalink)
D_Barbi_Queue is offline
Account Disabled


I think I like yours better. That sounds more like it.
D_Barbi_Queue is offline  
Old 05-04-2005   #4 (permalink)
KidBrown is offline


I should likely amend my profile to 1 percent homosexual, because ebviking's post turned me on a bit, haha.

If I've never been with a girl before, my usual feeling is "Holy shit, I'm getting laid, woo hoo" !! Maybe when I get older that thought process will amend itself a bit, but I'm not too sure. Then I try and think about non-sexual stuff as much as I can so I last longer, and I make sure not to look in a girls eyes if I don't want to get off right then and there. I'm weird like that, I'm not exactly an "eye" person (doesn't really turn me on or anything usually) but one look at the eyes when I'm having sex and it's all she wrote.

Now girls that talk dirty in bed, that's another story. It makes the experience so much better in my opinion.

What the world needs now is some accountability
We can't buy more time 'cause time won't accept our money

If your soul needs love you can always have my pity
But it looks as though faith alone won't sustain us no more
KidBrown is offline  
Old 05-04-2005   #5 (permalink)
viking is offline


Quote:
Originally posted by KidBrown@May 4 2005, 02:30 PM
I should likely amend my profile to 1 percent homosexual, because ebviking's post turned me on a bit, haha.

Hey Kid,

My post refers to SHE as the partner.
I wasn't describing gay sex.

Unless it was ME that was turning you on???

BTW, how old are you?

Disclaimer: ( in no way is this post meant to infer that I would turn on a minor!)

LOL

When life gives you lemons, peel the fuckers and throw them at unsuspecting passers by.
viking is offline  
Old 05-04-2005   #6 (permalink)
KidBrown is offline


Maybe I need to write in a different style as to seem older. I'm 22 man, I guess that makes me a little young around these parts. It's even worse when I'm student teaching, trust me. I guess I'm young enough for the seniors to think I'm accesible, which has caused some, let's just say, embarassing situations. Most of the other teachers are at least in their mid-late 20's. The other day I had a student come up to me and say "gimme a call when I graduate, because then it'd be cool if we hang out". I looked at her and said "that won't be happening, now please excuse me, I have a meeting to go to". Meanwhile I'm thinking that I'd like nothing more than to bend her over a desk and have my way with her.........

The "one percent" comment was due to a guy turning me on, albeit with a story and not his body. Just trying to joke around with people, that's all.

What the world needs now is some accountability
We can't buy more time 'cause time won't accept our money

If your soul needs love you can always have my pity
But it looks as though faith alone won't sustain us no more
KidBrown is offline  
Old 05-07-2005   #7 (permalink)
madame_zora is offline


Wow, hot posts guys, keep it rolling!

Texass, you are the Queen of starting threads, hands down! You always know how to initiate great conversations and the rest of is just chime in.

KidBrown, I'm sure at 22 you will get a lot of attention from the students, probably some of them are older than you. It's tough to keep your professionalism, but your mind is free to explore the untapped possibilities!



find music at www.pandora.com
madame_zora is offline  
Old 05-09-2005   #8 (permalink)
viking is offline


Quote:
Originally posted by madame_zora@May 7 2005, 03:38 PM
Wow, hot posts guys, keep it rolling!

Texass, you are the Queen of starting threads, hands down! You always know how to initiate great conversations and the rest of is just chime in.

KidBrown, I'm sure at 22 you will get a lot of attention from the students, probably some of them are older than you. It's tough to keep your professionalism, but your mind is free to explore the untapped possibilities!
"Untapped possibilities"

I like that MZ.

Very clever.

When life gives you lemons, peel the fuckers and throw them at unsuspecting passers by.
viking is offline  
Old 05-13-2005   #9 (permalink)
Irish is offline


Let's see... I think the first time it went a little something like...

Me: You ready?
Brain: I'm ready, hurry it up.
Her: Yeah, but slowly.
Brain: Ram it in.
Me: Shut up, Brain.
Her: What was that?
Me: Nothing.
Her: Okay...
Me: Nice and easy....
Brain: RAM IT IN!
Me to Brain: QUIET, I'M IN CHARGE!
Me: It's not working.
Her: What do you mean?
Me: *pushes forward*
Her: Ouch! No, it's not working.
Brain: RAM IT IN!
Me: Hold on...
Her: *inhale*
Me: Alright.
Brain: GOOOOOOO!
Me to Brain: Damn it, just shut up already, this is difficult.
Her: *exhale* You in?
Me: About half... ^^;
Her: Damn it...
Brain: Hurry it up.
Her: Whoa whoa, easy there...
Me: Sorry.
Her: Damn it... just... try pushing it in.
Me: You sure?
Brain: TOLD YOU! GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!
Her: It should be easier once you get it in once.
Me: Alright...
Brain: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: Wow, was it good for you, too?
Her: :grr: *slap*
Me: WAH! I'M SORRY!
Brain: Take that! You go when I tell you to next time!
Me to Brain: I hate you, why don't you just go back to doing math.
Brain: How about I compute how long you lasted in fractions of an hour.
Me to Brain: Please don't.
Her: Are you okay?
Me: Yeah, just embarrassed.
Her: Hey, I wasn't expecting much out of the first time.
Brain: I have figures, you want to know how little she got.
Me to Brain: Quiet, you!
Brain: You told me to do math!
Her: You're awfully quiet... what are you thinking...
Brain: Please don't tell her you're making me do math...
Me: Umm... just thinking about how much I love you. ^^
Her: Right, what are you thinking about.
Me: Math...
Brain: FUCKER!
Her: You're strange...
Me: I love you?
Her: I love you, too. Want to try that again.
Brain: Yes!
Me to Brain: STAY OUT OF IT THIS TIME!
Me: Yeah, just give me a minute...

Things got a lot better when I tuned out my brain and just asked her what to do instead. :P

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