An open and honest discussion about interracial same-sex pairings and relationships

kayman · 12-23-2011

I know personally there been many times over the last few months where there have been threads most in the Womens' Issues forum where interracial relationships or pairings have been discussed. However, the discussion of relationship between same-sex couples seems to be omitted. It's obvious there are way more homosexual and bisexual guys on this site some want to admit. I also would like to hear from other LGBTs on here from their experiences with interracial dating. Hopefully, without it becoming too acrimonious.

I'll start with myself:

As a black male, I have found interracial dating a curious and rewarding yet bizarre minefield for me. Interestingly, I was reared in a suburban, predominately white environment, but always been taught to be open-minded and egalitarian on the perspective of others different than myself. Although all of my long term relationships have been with black guys, I've dated a couple white guys and 1 Latino guy in the past.

I've come to the conclusion there is certain mindset of white guys that I can only see myself with in the future. I feel that the dynamics our backgrounds and surroundings plays a part in determining the ability of such pairings to work. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I've noticed some white guys let their peers effect how they act and what they do in their relationship with non-white guys particularly black guys.

I've had some white guys I dated who would treat me like gold when privately but possess an awkward disposition towards me around some of their friends (almost always white and openly gay/bisexual). Mainly because they feared what their opinion of us being together. At times, one guy in particular wouldn't even acknowledge me as somebody special in his life publicly. Also sexually, I experienced the obsession and many ways sexual fetishization of me being black, which ultimately a turn-off.

This pattern of constant encounters of insecurity and dichotomy in behavior experiences in a way made me very cynical of dating white guys. At the time I had friends whom were black experienced similar situations and have these sentiments. Over time this perspective had moderated by the time I dated another white guy. However, it wasn't meant to be because he was older than me by 13 years and our lives were in different places at the time. In the end, although it didn't make it to a physically intimate level, it was an overall pleasant experience for once.

The Latino guy and I had a lot of chemistry and many things in common, but our life tracks were going in different directions. We both were about to graduate from undergrad from our university. He had plans to go back to Spain for a teaching gig and I had plans to move to Atlanta upon graduation.

Overall I would do it again in the future and don't see any issues in practice in general. The problems have been those individuals that seem to not be able to get beyond the fixation of my racial background and fetishizing it rather than liking and being with me for the person I am.

Now let the discussion begin...

concupisys · 12-23-2011

just tell those white gays and bisexuals that without black people, there would be no rupaul, martha wash, diana ross, whitney or mariah, shirley bassey, rihanna, janet jackson, haddaway, byron stingley, or all the white people who try and emulate them.... the world of homosexuality would be a much different place without black people and the flavour they bring in to our lives....

:)

kayman · 12-23-2011

Quote:

Originally Posted by concupisys

just tell those white gays and bisexuals that without black people, there would be no rupaul, martha wash, diana ross, whitney or mariah, shirley bassey, rihanna, janet jackson, haddaway, byron stingley, or all the white people who try and emulate them.... the world of homosexuality would be a much different place without black people and the flavour they bring in to our lives....

:)

LOL, that is true.

rayray · 12-23-2011

As long as you respect each other and care for each other, that's what really matters. I'm really surprised by the way you see some of the things(not all) you wrote. I am 53, my generation was way more aware of interracial relationships then most people your age.Alot a kids these days, if raised properly dont see black and white quite the way we did when i was growing up. I was very young and quite frankly when the equal rights movement began i was unaware of the difference between black or white people. I was raised in the burbs and was not raised close to enough to anyone of any race different then mine. If i understood you right about the fetish issue..White men who are obsessed with white men ? It's just a preference..I like Blondes, he like Brunettes. Do you get what i mean ? I just think maybe you are reading to much into about what you think.:)

kayman · 12-23-2011

Quote:

Originally Posted by rayray

As long as you respect each other and care for each other, that's what really matters. I'm really surprised by the way you see some of the things(not all) you wrote. I am 53, my generation was way more aware of interracial relationships then most people your age.Alot a kids these days, if raised properly dont see black and white quite the way we did when i was growing up. I was very young and quite frankly when the equal rights movement began i was unaware of the difference between black or white people. I was raised in the burbs and was not raised close to enough to anyone of any race different then mine. If i understood you right about the fetish issue..White men who are obsessed with white men ? It's just a preference..I like Blondes, he like Brunettes. Do you get what i mean ? I just think maybe you are reading to much into about what you think.:)

No, I was addressing how some white guys have only wanted to be with me just because I am black. The issues that arise when someone just likes me for my skin color and physical features of a descendant of the African diaspora but not because they like me as person with common interests, specific personality traits, etc.

travis1985 · 12-23-2011

I think there's a taboo about stating what your preferences are when it comes to race. If you say you're generally not attracted to members of other races, you will nearly inevitably get branded a racist. And as Ray points out, if you're particularly attracted to another race, the assumption is that it's some kind of fetish. As a society, we've made progress in accepting and respecting everyone, but then again the requirement that that be the case has made race a really touchy subject that's dangerous to acknowledge as existing.

Example: I'm white and I've only had sex with one black person. This man smelled and tasted weird, so it was kind of repulsive and I didn't have a good time. Ask me about my experience with black guys, and I'll have to say I've only been with one and didn't like it for that reason. If someone chooses to interpret that as me thinking black guys are gross, which is likely, there's not much I can say to convince them that it's not a matter of racism but of limited experience of the kind that happened to go poorly.

On the other hand, I've had sex with several Latino men, and found them all sexy, attractive, and great in bed. The ethnicity in and of itself isn't particularly attractive or unattractive to me. But damned if I haven't had a good time every time.

So I guess one of two things is true. One possibility is that I hate black guys and perv on Latinos. Another is that my experience with black guys has happened to be bad, and my experience with Latinos, good. Draw the conclusion you will.

I'll go ahead and agree that it comes down to preferences. I'm generally attracted to white, Latino, and Jewish guys. I'm generally not attracted to black or Asian guys. I also find dark brown hair the sexiest hair color and am not at all enticed by redheads.

Countryguy63 · 12-23-2011

This is unique, while being not so unique

In one way, it's unique because of the racial issues that you bring up. It's unfortunate that you have experienced guys (who were white) that were not genuine enough to show you the admiration and respect in front of others that they apparently expressed in private.

It's not so unique because no matter what the racial differences, same gender or opposite gender relationships, there will always be those who for some reason or another will feel the need to put on a front when they get around their friends.

You say that you're tired of the guys that just want to be with you because of your skin color, but for the most part, unless it's someone that you have known for a while, it's going to be your physical attributes that is going to attract them to you. Just know that you are not going to accept someone that is not genuinely happy and proud to be with you, no matter who they are around.

I'm not saying that interracial relationships don't have additional challenges, but just like many other relationships, not all are going to be successful. I wouldn't worry about why they are attracted to you, but more about who they are, inside. If it's what you want, somewhere there is a white guy, that is not only going to be attracted to you for your appearance, but is also going to have an open and sincere heart!

avg_joe · 12-24-2011

Latino men are hot. I'm generally attracted to them because of their beautiful eyes and brown skin color. I'm Asian with brown skin, and think I can relate more to Latino guys, whom I have in common with family values, tradition and culture, than black guys or white guys. For a long term relationship, I would choose a latino or an Asian as my partner; but for a quickie or friend with benefits, I would pick other races.

buffaloboy · 12-24-2011

Quote:

Originally Posted by kayman

No, I was addressing how some white guys have only wanted to be with me just because I am black. The issues that arise when someone just likes me for my skin color and physical features of a descendant of the African diaspora but not because they like me as person with common interests, specific personality traits, etc.

I've found there's a huge fetishisation of black men online, to a degree that I've not encountered in the real world. I've recently deleted my profile on XHamster, as I grew tired of the endless messages which talked only of my 'BIG BLACK cock' and the assumption that I would be their 'black bull', or dominant top. I received literally hundreds and hundreds of messages on that site which all said pretty much the same thing and it grew to be tediously boring in the end.

There's an interesting contradiction here because although they wanted to play the submissive role I, seemingly, had no choice at all in what I wanted to do. I was just the 'big black cock' to be used for their own pleasure which, when you think about it, is really just another form of slavery.

D_22 · 12-24-2011

When it comes to guys, I find myself to be attracted to blacks, Asians, and mixed (of whatever race) more than the others. But race plays no factor when I'm actually talking and am interested in someone. I honestly don't really even see race when I'm interested in someone and talking to them where something could happen. Usually my friends/family have to ask me what their race are when I'm talking to them and it's not something I automatically think about.

Nia88 · 12-24-2011

I am attracted to black man and it may be his skin colour that brings me to the relationship but it is who the man is that keeps me in the relationship.

kayman · 12-24-2011

Quote:

Originally Posted by buffaloboy

I've found there's a huge fetishisation of black men online, to a degree that I've not encountered in the real world. I've recently deleted my profile on XHamster, as I grew tired of the endless messages which talked only of my 'BIG BLACK cock' and the assumption that I would be their 'black bull', or dominant top. I received literally hundreds and hundreds of messages on that site which all said pretty much the same thing and it grew to be tediously boring in the end.

There's an interesting contradiction here because although they wanted to play the submissive role I, seemingly, had no choice at all in what I wanted to do. I was just the 'big black cock' to be used for their own pleasure which, when you think about it, is really just another form of slavery.

I do agree with the online observation. I've experienced a similar notion on a number of sites, but I am a bottom. Honestly, I am automatically off-put by guys that assume about my race that I am a top w/ a big dick. It's degrading to be only seen as a body part or a human sexual object.

Countryguy63 · 12-24-2011

Quote:

Originally Posted by buffaloboy

{snip}
There's an interesting contradiction here because although they wanted to play the submissive role I, seemingly, had no choice at all in what I wanted to do. I was just the 'big black cock' to be used for their own pleasure which, when you think about it, is really just another form of slavery.

Except you could choose to walk away at any time.

A form of being used? Maybe.
Not your desires? Definitely.
A form of slavery? Absolutely not!

rayray · 12-24-2011

"QOUTE"I've had some white guys I dated who would treat me like gold when privately but possess an awkward disposition towards me around some of their friends (almost always white and openly gay/bisexual). Mainly because they feared what their opinion of us being together. At times, one guy in particular wouldn't even acknowledge me as somebody special in his life publicly. Also sexually, I experienced the obsession and many ways sexual fetishization of me being black, which ultimately a turn-off." Kayman. In the above mentioned, did you ever ask these guys that you were dating that you felt like (He)they were treating you or acting different around his white friends ? I still don't quite understand the "fetishisation". Are you saying they date you because they think your hung well because you are black ? That's the only fixation i can think of..If they were fixated because of a body part they, i assume have not seen yet..I would think they would get to know you and if the chemistry was there you both would know it..That is called attraction because they like you for who you are.Personally for myself, i prefer men who are well endowed period.I am not trying to be shallow but that is what i prefer"QUOTE"No, I was addressing how some white guys have only wanted to be with me just because I am black. The issues that arise when someone just likes me for my skin color and physical features of a descendant of the African diaspora but not because they like me as person with common interests, specific personality traits, etc." This too i don't quite get ?

kayman · 12-24-2011

Quote:

Originally Posted by rayray

"QOUTE"I've had some white guys I dated who would treat me like gold when privately but possess an awkward disposition towards me around some of their friends (almost always white and openly gay/bisexual). Mainly because they feared what their opinion of us being together. At times, one guy in particular wouldn't even acknowledge me as somebody special in his life publicly. Also sexually, I experienced the obsession and many ways sexual fetishization of me being black, which ultimately a turn-off." Kayman. In the above mentioned, did you ever ask these guys that you were dating that you felt like (He)they were treating you or acting different around his white friends ? I still don't quite understand the "fetishisation". Are you saying they date you because they think your hung well because you are black ? That's the only fixation i can think of..If they were fixated because of a body part they, i assume have not seen yet..I would think they would get to know you and if the chemistry was there you both would know it..That is called attraction because they like you for who you are.Personally for myself, i prefer men who are well endowed period.I am not trying to be shallow but that is what i prefer"QUOTE"No, I was addressing how some white guys have only wanted to be with me just because I am black. The issues that arise when someone just likes me for my skin color and physical features of a descendant of the African diaspora but not because they like me as person with common interests, specific personality traits, etc." This too i don't quite get ?

Yes, I did ask them. They never did give a clear nor concise answer those questions rather the run around the subject. They didn't fixate on my dick rather my ass, which is very visible even when I wear looser fitting clothes. Also actions speak louder than words, and I trust my own judgement when a person shows you who they truly are and their intentions of being in your life and vice-versa.

RayRay, I've explained as thoroughly as possible about how it feels when someone sees you in a myopic manner of being just a member of a race group and stereotypical notions irrespective the individual things associated your being such as personality, commonalities, etc. (especially after spending time with that person) then I don't know what I can tell you.

The sexual fixation on only one trait of a person such as skin color or just a body part is not attraction, that is a form of fetishisation. Sexual attraction involves appeal towards more than one trait such as a combination of visual along with olfaction and/or auditory cues.