Find a cone-shaped toy. Use it to masturbate and you will gradually learn to relax around it. Also, it does help very much to have your orgasm first.
Get to know exactly what you like and how best to achieve your own orgasm so that you can communicate this knowledge to your partner.
To encourage intimacy I personally enjoy blowing and jerking a man into coming all over me.
Remember, the vagina is highly elastic and babies go through there. The necessary flexibility will eventually arrive. But in the mean time, certainly there are other enjoyable things for you two to do together besides tab A and slot B.
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