Someone please kick me in the ass

OK--this is JUST a rant. If it had been an actual problem worthy of your time and consideration, the authorities would have given you proper instruction... Coming up on the six month anniversary of the

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Old 04-23-2007   #1 (permalink)
davidjh7 is offline

Someone please kick me in the ass

OK--this is JUST a rant. If it had been an actual problem worthy of your time and consideration, the authorities would have given you proper instruction...

Coming up on the six month anniversary of the final breakup of a 7 year relationship, the one that I gave my last hurrah and invested money, time, and emotion into, more of each than ever before in my life. Ironically, the date will coincide almost exactly with my 46th birthday. While I have suffered from depression as long as I can remember emotionally (about 5), I am usually able to find SOMETHING to kick me out of it to a more "normal" level for me, usually within a couple of weeks. I can usually find SOMETHING positive to hang on to, to build on. Not this time. I get up, I go to work, and while I have maintained productivity at work, I know I'm becoming shorter tempered, and being less productive than I could be, despite the recent accolades I have gotten. I come home, and go pretty much directly to bed. I may watch television, or get on the net, or read, but nothing really active, nothing that promotes growth. I need to find something external to build on, because everything I had interally is shattered. Work isn't enough. Serving the needs of others isn;t enough. Helping others isn't enough. I really need something positive to come back to ME, and it just isn't happening at all. But something has ot break, and soon. I just wonder if it is going to be me....
Ok--end of rant, end of self pity. Or at least, the end of it in this thread.
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Old 04-23-2007   #2 (permalink)
Big Dreamer is offline

Hey David:

For what it's worth, your posts show us a man who's highly intelligent (uses actual punctuation in sentences), honest (not a bullshit artist), caring (isn't self absorbed when responding to others threads), and with a great sense of humor (present post excluded from the humor list). This aggregate of qualities is hard to find within one person, so at the very least, consider yourself fortunate that you've got a lot of positives to draw on in order to turn things around. I'm not going to turn this into a cheesy "love yourself" speech as I'm terrible at them, and they almost always end up coming across as disingenuine. I guess I'm just saying that the David I know here in LPSG is a pretty cool guy in my eyes.
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Old 04-23-2007   #3 (permalink)
ManlyBanisters is offline

Rea;;y corny suggestion here - but I feel the need to respond and I'm a bit crap at thinking on my feet. Have you room in your life / work schedule for a dog? Yeah I know ... sounds shit, but really, pets (especially dogs for m, that can vary) can bring you out of a funk. A dog, more than other pets, is a reason to go for a walk in the sunshine, stop and smell the flowers, see a cute guy walking another dog, flirt a little or not...

You mention 'self pity' yourself - I'm incredibly lucky to have never suffered depression, I just don't seem prone, but I know many people who do, including Mr.B, and I know realising it is self pity and that things could be so much worse (you could be an Iraqi orphan, a Somali widowed mother, etc. etc. etc.) doesn't actually help - depression is a physical as well as mental state. I do NOT advise seeking a chemical solution however - I'm not a doctor and I don't like pills unless there is no other choice - they just lead to new problems, IME.

A new project? Decorate a room? Build a piece furniture? Sculpt something? Take a course in microbiology? I have no idea what your buzz is... another corny suggestion but one that worked for Mr.B was to do charity work - meals on wheels in his case..

I dunno, man - I know where you are at and how hard it is - a virtual hug from a stranger isn't much but if it helps here's a score of good vibes coming at you. (())
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Old 04-23-2007   #4 (permalink)
Freddie53 is offline

I've read and learned on my own that exercise helps depression. Taking a stroll everyday helps. And it has been proven that sunshine helps as well.

Exercise increases our own bodies production of endorphins, not sure of spelling. They are the chemicals floating in our bodies that make us feel good.

I know more than I want to know about depression. I take Lexapro myself for it. Many days I just don't feel well at all. Getting up and doing something that causes my body to have to exert itself usually helps some and some days a lot.

Being gay and alone is also the pits. There just isn't the support in our society for gays as there is for straight people. So I know that being alone hasn't helped.

A breakup of a relationship is traumatic under the best of situations.

I don't know what we can do except to say I love reading your posts and know you are a wonderful man.
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Old 04-23-2007   #5 (permalink)
dudepiston is offline

I think we've all misunderstood David. His subject is 'please kick me in the ass.'

Consider your ass kicked :)

Now let's see what other cliches I can come up with to add to those wonderful ones that others have so kindly offered.

"Cheer up! Tomorrow's another day!"

Nope, that's not it.

"Happiness is a choice!"

No, that doesn't cut it either.

"Get a dog!"

Oops, I think someone else suggested that one. Probably not good if you're allergic.


Good suggestion. Again, only works if you are wired to enjoy exercising. This one has helped me. It might help you too. It would not hurt a thing to try. But you have to try it for more than just a week. You have to hire a trainer (or use the ones your gym provides) and get a regimen going. Try it for 2 months. If you don't feel better emotionally after that then I'll eat a stuffed animal.

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Old 04-23-2007   #6 (permalink)
madame_zora is offline

This won't add meaning to your life, but it is a fun waste of time:

Fractals gallery:
fractalus gallery

We are in such similar situations as you know. I don't have any answers either, but I do know that I feel better having just come back from my Louisiana/Texas tour than I did before I left. Would I rather have had someone to come home to? Obviously, but it didn't happen, and it won't unless I decide to open myself up for that again, and right now I know I'm just not in that place.

It's not that we want to brood, it's just that that's how we really feel. If it didn't hurt, we'd have been over it by now, but it DOES hurt, and sometimes that's just how life is.

I trust that I will not always feel like I do now. I've had happiness in my life before, so I know I'm capable. Right now, and perhaps for a good while, I am going to have to find meaning and satisfaction from things like music, art, friendships (yeah, even online ones- you really do have some friends here, like me) and whatever activities you find interesting. Volunteer work for causes or political campaigns sounds like it's really asking too much of a depressed person (we have a great deal of difficulty keeping committments and schedules), but IF you can make yourself do it (even half-assed) it would give you a chance to look at some different faces and perhaps even occupy your mind for a while on something other than what you've lost.

When something as powerful as a love dies, we do need to grieve. We don't need to kill ourselves in the process. I get all my answers from AA meetings I used to attend, but their answer to everything seemed to be to do something to get OUT of your own head, and preferably something that will make you feel better about they way you've spent your time. If no one's said it today, I love you, pal!

find music at www.pandora.com
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Old 04-23-2007   #7 (permalink)
Hatched69 is offline

No "kick in the ass" needed. You sound like you're kicking yourself enough. Take a vacation. Take a short (2-3 day) cruise. Or get some cheap plane tic's, book a nice hotel and get away from the grind for a weekend. Everyone needs a break!! You'll feel refreshed and perhaps have a better outlook on things when you get back. Just treat yourself to a nice getaway (which it sounds like you haven't done for some time) and relax!
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Old 04-23-2007   #8 (permalink)

David, have you checked with your employer's employee assistance program? It will save you a lot of money over private counseling.

I have been in your shoes before. I remember writing down the names of all the people I could turn to for company or conversation or a movie and dinner. There were quite a few when I listed them. But not a significant other among them.

The desire to be paired up is very normal and healthy. There's nothing the matter with wanting that.

Get well soon. Oh, and Happy Birthday. Mine is the Fourth, less than two weeks. You are a year older than me.

Last edited by B_dxjnorto; 04-23-2007 at 03:40 PM.. Reason: added birthday best wishes
Old 04-23-2007   #9 (permalink)
biguy2738 is offline

Hi David.
At the risk of sounding cheesy and using cliches that will make you want to hurl I hope that my words may resonate within your being and bring you comfort and hope.
I believe that depression is an invitation that we receive during the dark, lonely times of our lives. Your spirit is inviting you to pause and allow you to feel the hurt and pain...and to grow. Allow your emotions to talk to you. Your anger will express the depth of your pain. Your pain will express the depth of your loss. Your loss will express the depth of your love. Your love will express the depth of your character. Your character will remind you of your immense value, as a unique and not to be repeated gift to humanity.
You are invited to pause and take stock of your life... To look at where you are and where you would like to be... along the way have you lived life to the full? Have you left an indelible mark on the lives of those around you? Have you been a gift to yourself?
Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to heal. Above all else, allow yourself to live.
The time has come for you to accept the invitation for pause, to stop navel gazing, to take your heart out of cold storage and to come out of this as person with greater strength and character.
This is your moment to tell yourself that indeed, you have journeyed in the valley of emotional death, but have survived. Love is like a rose, but true love is found through many, many thorns.
Wishing you strength and support during this difficult time.
Be gentle with yourself.
Sorry for the mouthful.
Oh yes, if all else fails, let me know and I'll help you hide the body. (joke)
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Old 04-23-2007   #10 (permalink)
rob_just_rob is offline

Originally Posted by dxjnorto View Post
David, have you checked with your employer's employee assistance program? It will save you a lot of money over private counseling.
Good advice. That helped me a few years back, when I really needed it.

My advice is - change things. As much as you can stand. Paint one of your rooms, preferably an outlandish colour. Buy some new clothes. Talk to a friend with eclectic musical/artistic/theatrical tastes, and watch/listen to some new movies or music that he or she recommends. Buy a cookbook and have some friends over for dinner, or even just change your own diet, for fun and variety.

If you work out, change up your routine. If you don't work out, start (this really helped me - natural endorphins or some such...).

There is nothing more dreadful than the sameness of everyday life when depressed. At least, that's how it was for me.

Remember, you can change things, you're in control. Good luck.

You're sitting on a gold mine, Trebek
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Old 04-23-2007   #11 (permalink)
biguy2738 is offline

If I haven't sent you running into traffic, and need a platform to vent even if you aren't looking for any input or comments.. i'm here. Don't hesitate to PM me.

Last edited by biguy2738; 04-23-2007 at 04:36 PM.. Reason: Accidental duplication
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Old 04-23-2007   #12 (permalink)
HazelGod is offline

Originally Posted by dxjnorto View Post
David, have you checked with your employer's employee assistance program? It will save you a lot of money over private counseling.
An excellent suggestion. I know my EAP will provide up to 8 free counseling sessions with anyone on their list of providers.

I also second Freddie's idea of getting out and moving around at least once per day. Exercising the body truly does wonders for the mind as well.
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Old 04-23-2007   #13 (permalink)
Ethyl is offline

I noticed you live in a suburb of Seattle. How long have you lived there? Do you think it's possible that the long, rainy season exacerbates your ongoing depression? That's something you might want to discuss with a counselor. I have difficulty living in areas where the weather is bleak for weeks on end. Other than that, know that we're here for you when you need us.

"There are two ways to reach me: by way of kisses or by way of the imagination. But there is a hierarchy: the kisses alone don't work.

~ Anais Nin

If you wish to be friended, please offer the courtesy of a message first.
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Old 04-23-2007   #14 (permalink)
earllogjam is offline

Zen Meditation. It is the hardest thing in the world to sit quietly for 30 minutes and have no thoughts come into your head. Tried it on an airplane flight over to the Far East for 30 minutes as I was bored out of my head, as a dare from a friend. Very challenging but it gave me incredible peace of mind and clarity like hitting the reset button on your computer. It takes a lot of practice to get to the point where I can keep a clear mind for a full 30 minutes - usually only lasts about 5 minutes in spurts. I've discovered doing this that you really do have control over your emotions and not the other way around. You sit back like an observer and look at what your mind is doing and realize how ridiculous a lot of it is. You can control how you feel every minute of your life if you want to and that you choose to feel bad by listening to your mind's jibber jabber.

I got to the point once at a bad break up that this focus and quiet time was my only solace from deep heartache and self loathing. In the quiet I was able to put things in perspective and realized that I was not the cause of the break up and that sometimes shit happens and that how I react to that is my choice so I gathered myself and went on. There is no other choice really. The only choice is to be good and kind to yourself or self destruction. You choose. Reading your posts you are a great guy so I hope you choose being good to yourself - god knows we need more folks like you. You just don't realize how strong you are untill you go through one of these dips, but you'll come through for the better. No one ever dies of a broken heart. Just feels like it.

Cut that anniversary calendar day out with some scissors and take a match to in and burn it, burn it all, everything that reminds you of him and bury the ashes. Do symbolically in the real world what you need to understand in your head.

Last edited by earllogjam; 04-23-2007 at 05:40 PM..
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Old 04-23-2007   #15 (permalink)
LeeEJ is offline

*gives David a swift kick in the ass*

Hey, just going with your request...
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ass, kick

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