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Penis Jokes

Here's one... feel free to add yours. Originally from Jackie Martling, former Howard Stern sidekick and stand up comedian. Two kids are playing doctor. Johnnie takes off his pants, and Mary looks down and says

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Old 06-19-2008   #1 (permalink)
Iscream is offline

Penis Jokes

Here's one... feel free to add yours.

Originally from Jackie Martling, former Howard Stern sidekick and stand up comedian.


Two kids are playing doctor. Johnnie takes off his pants, and Mary looks down and says "what's that???"

"I dunno" the he answers, "but I know my dad has one too, I will ask him."

That night dad is taking a shower, and the boy opens to curtain, points to dad's junk and says "Dad, what's that."

Dad answers "Son, that is a penis. In fact, that is a PERFECT penis."

The next day the Johnnie sees the girl again, and again they play doctor. His pants come off and Mary says "did you find out what that is?"

"That is a penis," Johnnie says. "In fact, if it was three inches shorter, it would be a perfect penis."
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Old 06-19-2008   #2 (permalink)
Iscream is offline


Another from Jackie Martling:

A guy goes to the doctor and says "d-d-d-d-doc-doc-doctor, I've developed this "t-t-t-terrible st-st-st-stutter."

The doc has the guy undress and examines him and finds his huge 12 inch penis. "This is a rare ailment, where the penis draws so much blood that it causes a blood shortage elsewhere in the body. The first symptoms appear in the voicebox."

"Wh wha what do I have to do?"

"The only cure is amputation."

"cu cu cut it off? The sta-sta-sta-stuttering is ki ki ki killing me, I guess I have nooo ch-ch-choice."

The doctor does the surgery, and sure enough the patient is speaking perfectly.

The patient returns for a follow up a month later, and says "doctor, while I appreciate the cure, I have not been laid in a month and I'm climbing the walls! I need you to put it back on for me, I will live with the stuttering."

The doc looks at him and says "Fu-Fu-Fu-Fuck off!"
Iscream is offline  
Old 06-19-2008   #3 (permalink)
iamanne is offline


What is smaller than a teeny-weeny ant?


An ant’s teeny weeny.

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes. Douglas Adams

Last edited by iamanne; 06-19-2008 at 09:42 AM.. Reason: font two small
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Old 06-19-2008   #4 (permalink)
Mr. Snakey is offline


Very funny. Thanx.
Mr. Snakey is offline  
Old 06-19-2008   #5 (permalink)
jason_els is offline


This belongs in the jokes and humor section.

jason_els is offline  
Old 06-19-2008   #6 (permalink)
Iscream is offline


Quote:
Originally Posted by jason_els View Post
This belongs in the jokes and humor section.
Gotta love the LPSG police... looking to reclassify posts. I wish I had that much time on my hands... BIG DEAL Jason... Does this hurt you???
Iscream is offline  
Old 06-19-2008   #7 (permalink)
Phil Ayesho is offline


What's the best thing that comes out of a penis?



The wrinkles.
Phil Ayesho is offline  
Old 06-19-2008   #8 (permalink)
B_jacknapier is offline
Banned


What do you call the useless piece of skin at the end of the penis?

The foreskin, but only in cases of men whose parents didn't have the decency to have it harmlessly removed in infancy, instead choosing to doom their son to a life of sexual rejection and poor hygiene.

Um... anyone interested in Call of Cthulhu larp?
B_jacknapier is offline  
Old 06-19-2008   #9 (permalink)
HazelGod is offline


Q: What's the best thing that ever came out of a penis?



A: The wrinkles.

The cake is a lie...
HazelGod is offline  
Old 06-19-2008   #10 (permalink)
Deno is offline


What't that useless piece of skin at the end of my dick,my boyfriend.

I want my foreskin back. God damn parents. Why couldn't they cheap out on just that issue.
Deno is offline  
Old 06-20-2008   #11 (permalink)
Iscream is offline


A man strikes up a conversation with a mohel. (A mohel is a Jewish scholar who is trained to perform circumcisions, the ritual in which a Jewish male is initiated into the religion by surgical removal of the foreskin of his penis at the age of eight days.)

Man: What do you do with the foreskins?

Mohel: I put them to good use.

Man: How?

Mohel: I sew them together and sell them as wallets.

Man: It must take an awful lot of foreskins to make one wallet. Is it really
worth the effort?

Mohel: Oh, but these aren't just ordinary wallets. When you rub one, it turns into a suitcase!
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Old 06-20-2008   #12 (permalink)
MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK is offline


So, a young boy is showering with his mother for the 1st time. He notices his mother's vagina and askes, "Mommy, what's that?" The mother says,"That's my garage"
So sometime later, the boy is shwering with his father for the 1st time, when he notices his penis and askes, "Daddy, what's that?" The father says, "That's my flashlight, son." The Boy quickly says,"Well, can you stick your flashlight into Mommy's garage so I can find my red wagon?"

Ya ain't seen an attitude like a North jerseyan attitude. Hey,hetero 5'10", 185 lbs, brown/black hair, hazel green eyes, 10.5X7.5, looking for that very special romance.

I'm not interested in getting PM's from complete strangers, nor do I wish any solicitations about cock size, getting together. etc. So trust me when I tell you that you will be deleted from my message banks and put on ignore.

If I don't know you, you aren't getting a friendship request approved.
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Old 06-20-2008   #13 (permalink)
MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK is offline


A man is invloved in a motorcycle accident that horribly disfigures him in his privates. Despite seeing doctor after doctor there seems to be no help. Then a plastic surgeon offers a new kind of surgical procedure that takes grafts from baby elephant trunks to restore his cock. The man agrees to it. The surgery goes well and he recuperates fine. Months later, he's sitting at the dinner table with his family. When all of a sudden, his penis darts up onto the table, grabs a dinner roll and slips back underneath. His wife, shocked by this exclaims, "I hope we won't have that again anytime soon!"


The man, who has an uncomfortable look on his face says, "Me too- I don't think I could take another roll up my ass!"

Ya ain't seen an attitude like a North jerseyan attitude. Hey,hetero 5'10", 185 lbs, brown/black hair, hazel green eyes, 10.5X7.5, looking for that very special romance.

I'm not interested in getting PM's from complete strangers, nor do I wish any solicitations about cock size, getting together. etc. So trust me when I tell you that you will be deleted from my message banks and put on ignore.

If I don't know you, you aren't getting a friendship request approved.
MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK is offline  
Old 06-20-2008   #14 (permalink)
ManlyBanisters is offline


^ ^

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phil Ayesho View Post
What's the best thing that comes out of a penis?
The wrinkles.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HazelGod View Post
Q: What's the best thing that ever came out of a penis?
A: The wrinkles.
Deja-lu?

Three guys die and go to hell. When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

"Oh shit! How?!", they ask.

Being an allegorical sort of a fellow the devil decides he will ask each man what his father did for a living and the remove the penis in a related manner.

So he calls over the first guy, "My father was a lumberjack..." "OK, I'll cut it off with a saw" *screeching ensues*

The second guy says, "My father was a blacksmith..." "OK, I'm going to burn it off" *wailing ensues*

As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.

"Why are you smiling, you sorry piece of shit!"

"My father made lollipops."

I don't need to fight to prove I'm right.
I don't need to be forgiven.
ManlyBanisters is offline  
Old 06-20-2008   #15 (permalink)
HazelGod is offline


Quote:
Originally Posted by ManlyBanisters View Post
Deja-lu?


I didn't even notice that last night. Whether because I didn't read through the thread before posting or because our favorite wine bar does half-price champagne on Thursdays, I'm not sure.

Doesn't really matter, though...I said it first.

The cake is a lie...
HazelGod is offline  

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