Desperate House... Person?
Posted 08-26-2011 at 01:58 AM by JustSomeZombie
Tags cockslol, curious, growth, relationship, weird
What I miss isn't a person. It isn't a place and it isn't a time. What I miss isn't really a feeling or an emotion... what I miss, and only realized I missed once I had a brief shot at reclaiming it, is a state of being.
I miss shopping for sheets and for kitchen items. I miss making comments about terrible movies, fashion trends and politics. I miss knowing that if I don't show up for something someone will care enough to try to find me. I miss speculation about a future, off-handed comments about family and friends, and being symbiotic as opposed to completely independent. I don't miss Justin.
I don't miss Joshlin or Mason. I certainly don't miss Branden as we knew each other for less than a month and what I know about him could fit on the back of a sugar packet. I don't miss my ex-boyfriends but in dating someone briefly I realized I miss playing that role in someones life... not necessarily because of any benefit they got from it, but because of my somewhat insane need to be someone's Bree (Desperate Housewives reference.)
This melancholy that has followed me around all weekend is intense but it's hardly new. For an entire year I just shut that part of my brain off and it was fine. But when I ventured out again I picked up right where I left off... I assumed that mantle and, in spite of not being wild about the person (he was hands down the worst conversationalist I've ever had any affiliation with), I was happy to play the part... delighted to do so even.
I've always wanted to be relevant and necessary. I find some gratification in the various positions I've had but in the end it has always boiled down to being those two things to one specific person, not just romantically, but in terms of friendships as well.
I don't think I've been either of those things to anyone in more than two years. It took me a long time and some trial and error to realize it... but the malaise I feel stems from the deepest, most private part of me yearning to have that and never truly being satisfied that I do.
So I decided to blog about it because this is where all my dirty laundry is supposed to go, right?
I miss shopping for sheets and for kitchen items. I miss making comments about terrible movies, fashion trends and politics. I miss knowing that if I don't show up for something someone will care enough to try to find me. I miss speculation about a future, off-handed comments about family and friends, and being symbiotic as opposed to completely independent. I don't miss Justin.
I don't miss Joshlin or Mason. I certainly don't miss Branden as we knew each other for less than a month and what I know about him could fit on the back of a sugar packet. I don't miss my ex-boyfriends but in dating someone briefly I realized I miss playing that role in someones life... not necessarily because of any benefit they got from it, but because of my somewhat insane need to be someone's Bree (Desperate Housewives reference.)
This melancholy that has followed me around all weekend is intense but it's hardly new. For an entire year I just shut that part of my brain off and it was fine. But when I ventured out again I picked up right where I left off... I assumed that mantle and, in spite of not being wild about the person (he was hands down the worst conversationalist I've ever had any affiliation with), I was happy to play the part... delighted to do so even.
I've always wanted to be relevant and necessary. I find some gratification in the various positions I've had but in the end it has always boiled down to being those two things to one specific person, not just romantically, but in terms of friendships as well.
I don't think I've been either of those things to anyone in more than two years. It took me a long time and some trial and error to realize it... but the malaise I feel stems from the deepest, most private part of me yearning to have that and never truly being satisfied that I do.
So I decided to blog about it because this is where all my dirty laundry is supposed to go, right?
Total Comments 2
Comments
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I think you can blog anything you want here, zombie...this is a safe place (or at least I think so.)
I think you ARE relevant... just because during this time in your life you don't have someone to share your thoughts with does NOT make you irrelevant.
You are not who you are because of an attachment to someone else. You are who you are regardless of attachments or associations. (But I understand that it is the SHARING that you are missing... maybe reworded a bit.)
If this is you in your avatar and a current pic, you appear to be young and have many years ahead of you... don't panic or fret... enjoy whatever the day brings you. You have a choice... you can be happy with what you have, or you can be sad at the loss. Choose well, sir, and enjoy your wonderful life.Posted 08-26-2011 at 09:59 AM by D_Kitten_Kaboodle
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"I miss knowing that if I don't show up for something someone will care enough to try to find me." That line is going to echo, and echo with me for days, I just know it.
Fantastic !
Fantastic photo's in your gallery too.
Regards, JoePosted 09-18-2011 at 03:03 PM by jojolongdong
