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Why can't I be gay?

Posted 2 Days Ago at 05:18 PM by uncontrolled

I discovered porn at 11, but didn't start noticing girls until I was 22. Curious about my own body, I gravitated to gay porn as a kid, figuring the best way to see if I was "normal" was to compare myself to the guys in porn (really, really dumb idea). Or so I told myself. Growing up in a conservative, religious (Mormon) family, being gay or bisexual was simply not an option. The fact of the matter is, I liked what I saw, enjoyed watching these men at play. I also had crushes on girls at school. I figured those crushes were my "normal" side, while the porn was some kind of spiritual disease that needed curing.

The age when I started noticing girls (22), was also the age when I got back from my time as a Mormon missionary (read: the age when everyone expected me to get married). I did my best to date and make things work with nice, Mormon girls, but failed miserably. Imagine a newborn puppy in a dog-fighting ring. Those Mormon bitches tore me apart. Brutally. Meanwhile, that "spiritual disease" continued to mature. I started chatting with gay/bi guys. Chatting became camming, and camming became meeting up and messing around. As a devout Mormon, I felt disgusting and hell-bound for my "perverse" behavior, but that guilt and shame just made me look for ways to escape the pain... by having more sex.

In time, I left the Mormon church and came to terms with my bisexuality. I liked girls, but couldn't make things work with them. I also liked some guys, and I could make things happen with them (as some guys in the chat room here will attest ;) ). I figured I'd probably never marry, but if I kept things discrete, I could have a fulfilling sex life without losing my friends and family. It wasn't the Mormon dream I was raised with, but it had its benefits (oh, the blow jobs...).

And then I saw this video.

These women are so. fucking. beautiful. Especially the one who shows up 2:27-3:00 and 5:27 to the end. I hate mushy, romantic tripe, but... my soul unburdened the first time I saw her smile. I didn't know I was carrying that need around. No man had awakened it, or ever could. And it scares me. What do I do? I need so much to be that guy in the bandanna, but I have no idea how to make that happen. I was contentedly resigned to a discrete bi/gay life, but now I've found a deeper feeling, and I know that life will never satisfy me.

Is this a sexual awakening? at 27? I thought I was past this kind of teenage crap, yet here I am, bewailing my fate to random internet strangers like an emo goth kid: "Why does god hate me??!?"

Where's the "grow up, already" button?

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  1. Old Comment
    Quote:
    You can never make an informed decision when there is fear in the decision making process.
    That. Yes. Makes so much sense. Gonna use that one.
    permalink
    Posted 1 Day Ago at 11:47 PM by uncontrolled uncontrolled is offline
 

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