First blog post, becoming sexual is tough :)
Posted 05-08-2012 at 12:02 AM by S_V_J
I got back from a therapy session a few hours ago. It was my last one with this lady as my therapist. She's moving from town, but recommended a few other places. That will be a weird thing, to start "all over" with someone else ... :)
If I still need it..! I feel the day is coming when I will open up to someone in real life, as I have in therapy. I am getting to know people, and I hope someone will be willing to listen to me. It is nice to say the words, not just type them down. But oh man, how typing has helped me so far!
I also broached the subject of my sexuality in therapy. I explained how I have always felt attracted to the female form in pictures and movies, how girls in porn always turned me on. But I never saw myself as asexual person back then. I never imagined anything happening for real, it was ... well, just porn! :)
I explained how I can sometimes feel like a gay guy, not because I have feelings for guys, but simply because I am 32, pathologically single and a virgin. Aren't those tell-tale signs of a closeted gay guy..?
She didn't answer that of course, she just asked if I would feel bad if that was the case, what my family might think and so on. I have never looked down on gay people, and I doubt my family would shun me in any way. It would be weird, that's for sure, but it would feel a bit weird bringing home a girl too :)
I am now starting to embrace my sexual side, starting to see myself as a sexual being. I am starting to desire sex, sex is becoming a reality, not just a fantasy. Thus, the question arose for the first time ...
... Well, I am becoming sexual, but what kind of sexual being am I becoming?
I have spent the day browsing gay communities, watching gay guys talking on youtube ... I don't know ... As I said in therapy, I can appreciate beauty in a man. I can feel myself wanting to look or behave like some other guy. Since I started improving my overall well-being, I pay more attention to my looks, my diet, my body, so of course I start paying attention ...
I also got an appointment to have my hormone levels checked, for real this time! It's a two day process, they check for a dozen hormones. Should clear up those doubts!
That's all for now. I feel like I am digging myself deeper and deeper the more I am trying to figure myself out ...
If I still need it..! I feel the day is coming when I will open up to someone in real life, as I have in therapy. I am getting to know people, and I hope someone will be willing to listen to me. It is nice to say the words, not just type them down. But oh man, how typing has helped me so far!
I also broached the subject of my sexuality in therapy. I explained how I have always felt attracted to the female form in pictures and movies, how girls in porn always turned me on. But I never saw myself as asexual person back then. I never imagined anything happening for real, it was ... well, just porn! :)
I explained how I can sometimes feel like a gay guy, not because I have feelings for guys, but simply because I am 32, pathologically single and a virgin. Aren't those tell-tale signs of a closeted gay guy..?
She didn't answer that of course, she just asked if I would feel bad if that was the case, what my family might think and so on. I have never looked down on gay people, and I doubt my family would shun me in any way. It would be weird, that's for sure, but it would feel a bit weird bringing home a girl too :)
I am now starting to embrace my sexual side, starting to see myself as a sexual being. I am starting to desire sex, sex is becoming a reality, not just a fantasy. Thus, the question arose for the first time ...
... Well, I am becoming sexual, but what kind of sexual being am I becoming?
I have spent the day browsing gay communities, watching gay guys talking on youtube ... I don't know ... As I said in therapy, I can appreciate beauty in a man. I can feel myself wanting to look or behave like some other guy. Since I started improving my overall well-being, I pay more attention to my looks, my diet, my body, so of course I start paying attention ...
I also got an appointment to have my hormone levels checked, for real this time! It's a two day process, they check for a dozen hormones. Should clear up those doubts!
That's all for now. I feel like I am digging myself deeper and deeper the more I am trying to figure myself out ...
Total Comments 5
Comments
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Congrats on the work. No need to worry which way the knife falls, like you said either is cool, or maybe even both! Glad to hear you say you're open and willing to accept physical love. It's a big hairy bear no matter what age, and I can only imagine the pressure you feel. Keep you head up - its a process not a destination.Posted 05-08-2012 at 08:08 AM by MuscleBoundMan
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Thanks for that comment :)
I feel I am open for experimenting, just try things on for size..!
It's such a new field for me, a whole new world. I agree it's about the journey, not the destination... Still, I find myself searching for "ultimate goals" every now and then :/
I have always thought I would reach some kind of destination, mind- and knowledgewise...
I guess I was wrong all these years! Thank god for that? :DPosted 05-08-2012 at 12:03 PM by S_V_J - I think we do hit points in life that are memorable. I just like to think that I am happy because I achieve everyday what I really want - which is doing with my life what I want to do. I know it sounds overly simple but I meet so many peeps that spend everyday working towards goals they think will make them happy (but they are miserable in the mean time), or they are constantly unhappy trying to make someone else happy, or they have let labels make them feel less than they should. I know from experience that it's hard to be alone, but there's freedom there and it can lead to a very good place.Posted 05-08-2012 at 01:36 PM by MuscleBoundMan
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Well Congrats! You ve step on the road a few months ago and you realized thet the road is the main thing. Absolutely fabuluous!
About sexuality: dont try to look at it as a scientific thing. Love comes naturally. Could you analize which flower do you like and why? Does it make a sense? Sometimes you just have to trust your instincts.
Do not rush things about love. First you need to have desire... and what are we desiring? What we can see every day but cant reach easily.
Good luck on your journey!
Crossing my fingers for you :)Posted 05-09-2012 at 02:58 AM by avg_shooter - Thanks, avg_shooter!
We all have our battles, I have to remind myself of that. Even though I imagine other people to have their shit together, to be confident, to enjoy themselves 110% of the time, it's just an expression of my own insecurities!
Everyone struggles with their own things. I am struggling with mine.
It could be that life would be plain boring without challenges? :)Posted 05-09-2012 at 07:07 PM by S_V_J
