First time experience nerves

[stud2020]

First off, I appreciate any help and suggestions in advance regarding the issue I'm having.

I have been with plenty of women but for years I have fantasized about being with another man. A couple of months ago I decided to post an ad on Craigslist. I stated I was new to this and was looking for someone with experience. After weeding through the bad replies I received, I came across one that stood out. He was an older man, about 21 years older than me. We emailed back and forth for a few days until I finally decided I was ready to try this. I did all the necessary prep work and headed toward his house. At the last second, I backed out because I was so nervous to go through with it. This same thing has happened 2 more times since then. I know deep down I want to try this but how can I get passed all the nervous feelings and thoughts? How can I just say fuck it, and go for it. Please help.

 

[Decatur]

I would not plan to meet anyone with the intent to have sex. Since this would be your first experience, this puts enormous pressure on you. Meet for coffee and see if you are interested enough to take it further. If you get to know and trust someone you will be more relaxed.

 

[stud2020]

To be honest, I am not interested in meeting up for coffee. Why do you think the nerves would go away if I trusted this person? I know if I meetup I would want it to happen for sure.

 

[Decatur]

If you are comfortable with someone, you will be more relaxed.

 

[archetypal_mystic]

Ok, so I am going to suggest a more controlled first time event - a scheduled erotic massage. Go back to craigslist or a local paper, and find a therapist. Your brain needs time to wire itself to new experiences, and if you can let yourself relax and be touched during the massage, it will go a long way towards eliminating the jitters in other more heightened experiences. Do not beat yourself up over this...just give yourself permission to explore at a rate that you can process, without retreating into fear.

 

[kurt bishop]

My thoughts are this... They are based my personal expierences and I offer them only to help you.

Your pushing your own personal limits here. It's been my expierence what ever it is I'm more afraid of the results then the deed I want to expierence.

I don't think your afraid of the guy touching you or the possibility of sex. It could be your fear is more directed to "will I enjoy the expierence"? will the expierence be as nice as my fantasy", "What if someone finds out I have done this? ....... "What if I like this, And then what"?

If some of this or all of this is in the back of your mind then please read my suggestions. If none of this even crossed your mind - then call me crazy and jump to the next posting.

My advise would be to bring yourself to the realization of the fear- 1) your not going to let anything happen you don't want to happen. If it goes somewhere you are not comfortable with then remember you control the situation and stop it what ever is happening a simple " no thank you " will work.
2) as the encounter progresses remember this is what you want to happen and enjoy it. 3). No matter what happens the only one who will know if it was a good or bad experience is you. You are the one to decide who else's will know. 4) I assure you once you commit to being in control of the situation all the rest will come natural. In every relationship with anyone sexual or the clerk at the McDonald's counter your comfortable because it's gorillas and your in control.
5). When it's over you control what happened next weather you go again or later choose to enjoy another - different - homoerotic situation.
Good luck.

For me It's like the First time I went to an adult bookstore at 16. I knew, I mean I knew I wanted I go but chickend out. It was mostly because I was affraid of what I would feel while or after going.

KB

 

[kurt bishop]

Sorry I was editing this for corrections and I went past the time limit and cannot fix the errors. Gorillas should not be in there! It should read because our comfortable and in control.

Sorry I'm not good at posting from my phone! Ugh so embarrassing !!!

 

[KennF]

Well, I'm going to apprach this from my personal perspective. I often experience nerves in social encounters. I've learned that the nerves are actually just your mind's way of saying that you are in a new situation and don't know what the expectations are. Since it is unknown, we prepare ourselves for fight-or-flight. And that's what scares us away.

However, if you have decided that you want and are ready for a new experience, and have set it up, then you need to short circuit this response. I personally re-interpret it.

Interesting fact -
**When you are scared, your heart starts to race; your blood vessels expand; your digestion shuts down as energy is needed for your muscles; your eyes dilate; your hearing becomes acute; and you sweat to cool your skin down.
**When you are excited and having fun, your heart starts to race; your blood vessels expand; your digestion shuts down as energy is used for your muscles; your eyes dilate; your hearing becomes acute; and you sweat to cool your skin down.

Amazing how both physical sensations are the same.

So, next time you feel them, after having prepped yourself for something you want, say to yourself, "Thank you body. You're telling me that I'm excited and ready for action. That is exactly what I want this time."

 

[622675]

Based on your thread introduction it is your plan to be the bottom in this new experience. Since you have been a member of LPSG for several years, I must also assume that you have had time to work through a number of fantasies and “assume” that bottoming would be your great thrill.

Knowing no more than what you have revealed, I would really like to back you away from your current plans. Here is why.

1. If you are actually interested (turned on) by the m/m thing, then your path will cause you to miss a mountain of great experiences that lead up anal sex. Your experience may be the equivalent waking up with a very bad hangover and not remembering the great time that got you there. If that is all you have to make judgments on then you will do neither the event or your need for self discovery any favors.

2. You need to court the situation. In your relationships with women, did you just pick them off of Craigslist , then show up wearing a condom and your eyes closed. I doubt it. Most likely you got to know the individual and they got to know you.

3. There is a lot to know about having sex with another guy. Anal sex is likely the most intimate experience, especially when you are the bottom. According to your notes above, you haven’t been down the m/m road before, and you are now ready to learn more about yourself. You will go a long way toward discovering what your feelings are by progressively exploring another mans sexual parts and emotions. You need to experience another guy’s naked body, give him a hand job, suck his dick, and have him do the same to you.

4. It is not a safe world out there and you need to make smart decisions. You need to own this thing. Its like learning to cook or drive a car; you get there by a process called successive approximation. If you skip the learning process, you can’t evaluate your experiences. At your age and with your interest you have lots of guys to learn from. Take it slow and make the most of that opportunity.

 

[KennF]

“assume” that bottoming would be your great thrill.

See... I didn't read it that he was bottoming. I presumed that the "prep" work was things like leaving contact information, showering, having condoms, etc...

I think you are projecting.

I finally decided I was ready to try this

I accept this at face value.

There are lots of ways to approach a desire. Plunging in and just trying, as we all know, comes with the risk of a bad encounter. But, if all he is looking for is the experience and not a LTR then I see nothing wrong with him trying it however he feels comfortable.

I know deep down I want to try this but how can I get passed all the nervous feelings and thoughts?

I'd suggest learning that your reaction is normal. Everyone gets anxious and nervous. It is up to you to decide what the feeling is, and if you've made your decision, then I suggest you trust yourself.

There is nothing more painful than regretting not going for something and wondering what might have been.

 

[622675]

There is nothing more painful than regretting not going for something and wondering what might have been.

It is likely that you have me regarding my “assumptions”. Perhaps the OP will expand on what he meant by “prep”.

On the other hand, I wonder if your comment would not also fall in to the category of projection. It has a great emotional tug, and I have used it on many occasions. However, I would argue from my pragmatic experiences that it is often not always the best strategy to follow.

I am reminded of that house I almost bought and five years later was so glad I didn’t. And there was that money manager I did trust and barley escaped before he crashed my account. And I will never forget rewiring the A/C before I noticed I had not turned off the breaker panel.

We both want the best experience for the OP and I agree that at some point he just needs to take the plunge. But my recommendation is that he should start at the shallow end of the pool. If he enjoys getting wet, then joy and not fear of the unknown can become the source of his anxieties.

 

[KennF]

@levi101 Agreed.

I would point out that the money manager, house, and A/C were not on the same level as the OP's decision. I gather from his post that he has toyed with this idea and attempted to go through with it more than once.

I agree that jumping in the deep end has its pros and cons. I, also, see the other side. Trying to add caution to the mix could easily make it impossible to overcome the fear. And, that would be regretable.

 

[augusttaylor]

I know this is going to get bad responses but...why not go to an adult theatre? There you can sit by yourself and watch..if someone catches your eye and you want to take it further you can do that in a controlled setting..I really enjoy a theatre experience..it is like a buffet where you can pick and choose what and who you want to play with..just my opinion of course

 

[KennF]

I know this is going to get bad responses

Not sure why you'd assume it was going to get bad responses. I would encourage someone to go to a bath house or sex club, before going to a public establishment. There is always an added risk when trying to have sex in public.

 

[622675]

All,

It appears our OP has more history than we were made aware of in this thread.

http://www.lpsg.com/threads/need-advice-regarding-first-time-encounter.407213/
http://www.lpsg.com/threads/anal-penetration-and-anal-orgasm.353864/

That said, perhaps others who read the discussion might find it useful.

 

[KennF]

All,

It appears our OP has more history than we were made aware of in this thread.

Well then, while both of our advice is and was sound, I see that his first time experience was more than two years ago.

@levi101 did you ever see 50 First Dates? Maybe the OP has the same condition and for him every encounter is a first time. (*chuckle*).

 

[stud2020]

First off, I want to thank you guys for the most beneficial advice I have received. As you can see from my past threads which started with curiosity and slowly worked up to an aggressive/impatient approach of wanting to give this a shot. The nervous feelings I have are overwhelming to the point that I still back out before even getting in the car. How can I basically say "fuck it" and follow through with an encounter. Is Craigslist even a good idea?

 

[notN2pussy]

Have had more good than bad from CL, some long time friends now!

 

[Brian S]

I agree that meeting a person beforehand might be better. Rather than just showing up to hookup. Everyone's different, but hell I would be a little nervous going to meet for a hookup, and I'm gay as fuck.

That said, I'm not entirely sure what it is you want to actually do. If you are looking to bottom, I would personally hold off and start with something smaller. Go to his house and hang out naked with some porn on. Or seek to play with his dick and get a blowjob. Start small. Hell, I didn't even bottom the first time I had a gay encounter. Just go into it with the intentions of fooling around a little, you may blossom from there at the time, or you might have a good time leaving it at that and can be more prepared to push the envelope on a second round.

 

[KennF]

@stud2020 How's it going?

I see you're still dealing with your inner voices stopping you. There are a couple of things you can do.

First, decide if this is what you really want. I gather from your posts you've made that decision, but it is always nice to reassert your decision to yourself.

Second, you either need to physically or psychologically overcome your 'backing out'. Repeatedly backing out at the last moment is usually a fear response, second guessing yourself and doubting the wisdom of the action, or afraid of the consequences afterwards. From a psych perspective, it is our way of confirming that a situation is new and has some unpredictability to it.

There was an interesting article I read years ago, I cannot remember where I read it, but the physical reactions to fear (sweating, heart pounding, dilating eyes, shallow breathing, slowing digestion, increased muscle tension) are the same as anxious anticipation (sweating, heart pounding, dilating eyes, shallow breathing, slowing digestion, increased muscle tension). So, something we fear reacts the same as something we really looking forward to.

If you can convince yourself of that, then next time you are about to turn the engine on and leave, simply acknowledge the physical reactions and say to yourself, "Yeah, I really do want this, otherwise, I wouldn't be reacting to it like this.", "This isn't fear since I'm not in physical danger, so then it must be anticipation of something I want. I can do this."

You're other option is to switch the approach to physically overcome. Instead of going to their place, invite them to yours, or get a hotel/motel room, with you arriving first. Make it more difficult than just "turn and walk away". Then when the hurdle appears and you want to leave, you have more invested in making it happen than in leaving. Or, tell a friend that you trust that you've set this up, and ask them to question you about it later for all the details. Then if you back out, you've got to explain that to them and deal with those issues.

Just how I deal with things. Hope it helps.