How are you dealing with Erectile Dysfunction?

Betty_Cocker

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I need to talk to some guys about a male (well and female) issue. ED.

It is my issue because it is affecting my lack of affection from my husband.
He has been to the doctor. The doctor has put him on both Cialis and Viagra (at different times) with no positive effects. We've known for years that his body does not react to medication like most folks. (I think he's Superman and now we've found his Kryptonite.)

For the last several months it appears his ED has continually gotten worse. He never really actually opened up to me and talked to me about it until this past weekend.

We are having some alone time and I pretty much just told him that I needed and missed sex with him. I felt that I was not attractive anymore as it seemed that I could do nothing short of walking around outside naked to get a reaction from him. (I truly did think it was my fault!)

He assured me he "wanted me" but that his plumbing wasn't working right and that it has now gotten so bad that he is literally afraid of approaching me. He is scared and embarrassed that "it won't work" and I will be disappointed in him.

I think the problem is now not only physical, but also emotiona and mental.

Any ideas how I can help this man I love? I did tell him that now that I understand the problem better, I will be more patient and will not anticipate or expect penetration. I suggested that he start using my toys but I'm not sure about that. Will that make him feel worse, you think?

Anything will help guys. Thanks!
 

23skadoo

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did he have this problem before you played around with others? do you think it could be that he doesnt think he can satisfy you? i do think its emotional/mental over physical...but im not a doctor...but i did stay at a holiday inn last night...
 

Betty_Cocker

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hahah 23...

no the issue is more recent (in fact AFTER I've stopped seeing others.) That was part of the discussion b/c I felt like it might have been an issue.

He assured me it wasn't. In fact he said it actually made him feel better b/c he wasn't under such pressure to perform. The whole thing about casual encounters is to add spice to the relationship and it worked well. Even during those times he seemed not to have a problem. So I'm thinking, based on his answers, that had nothing to do with what's going on now. But it is a good thought.

Holiday Inn, you say?? :tongue:
 

D_Snotty_Spooger

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Heck Betty, this is an age-old problem that you should never blame your sexy self over - and there are seldom any immediately effective remedies, especially if meds have no impact.

Think of it as nature's way of preventing overpopulation, or unwarranted accidents. would love to say 'lol', but it's not very funny and you do have my sympathies x
 

Betty_Cocker

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Thanks, Sensi,
I understand a lot more of how he feels now since "the Talk" but seriously, I blamed myself for a long time. I mean.... after 35 yrs with the same girl.... I figured it was just kinda like ... "chocolate cake every night for dessert" Lovely at first, but then it gets old!

But it's not like that at all, and I'm glad we talked.
Thanks for your support.

I really wonder what goes on in the minds of men who have to deal with this.
 

headhunter317

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How is his health?? I had similiar problems.....20 years of little to no interest. I also had a lady that ridiculed me because of my inability that only made prolems worse. Dumped her ass by the way BUT it still affected me. A couple years ago I went to the doc and found out I was really messed up. Meds I had been taking for YEARS had a part in causing the problem, discovered I had diabetes and also low T. I now take meds for all and am horny all the time, met a wonderful person who is loving and I do get erections again!!! Take Viagra and cialis and life is again great!
 

pwiggin

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I had an issue a few years ago. I had put on a good bit of weight after a knee injury and erections became fewer, lower quality.

I went on a diet and, when I had recovered enough, began exercising again. Did wonders :)
 
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Betty_Cocker

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How is his health?? I had similiar problems.....20 years of little to no interest. I also had a lady that ridiculed me because of my inability that only made prolems worse. Dumped her ass by the way BUT it still affected me. A couple years ago I went to the doc and found out I was really messed up. Meds I had been taking for YEARS had a part in causing the problem, discovered I had diabetes and also low T. I now take meds for all and am horny all the time, met a wonderful person who is loving and I do get erections again!!! Take Viagra and cialis and life is again great!

Thank you for this! It might shed some light.

I have never ever ridiculed him. At times in mid sex it would "die" and I would be obviously frustrated (again, thinking he just wasn't into me). I know now that it didn't help things. I'm not about name-calling or anything so it was more of a "sigh" turn over and go to sleep thing.

But he has had some health issues where he is on "meds for life"... so tht could have something to do with it. He has a physical every year and is in overall good physical shape.

I will ask him to check with his doctor about his meds. I do wish the Viagra or Cialis would work tho!
 

twoton

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Depression or anxiety? Could be one of those things where the more you try the harder it gets to succeed.
 

someperson

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Thanks, Sensi,
I understand a lot more of how he feels now since "the Talk" but seriously, I blamed myself for a long time. I mean.... after 35 yrs with the same girl.... I figured it was just kinda like ... "chocolate cake every night for dessert" Lovely at first, but then it gets old!

But it's not like that at all, and I'm glad we talked.
Thanks for your support.

I really wonder what goes on in the minds of men who have to deal with this.

anxiety or depressed. possibly highly stressed out as well. Yes i do have to deal with it.
 

RalDudeHangin

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ED affected me for awhile. It was a perfect storm of job stress, moving, health issues (related to the work stress and subsequent lack of sleep), and some anxiety about my relationship at the time. Part of it is age (I'm in my late 30s). I can still get rock hard but I find it's not as eager as when I was 18.

After a year, I went to the doctor. Physically, everything was mostly OK except for being worn down by stress. As an interim solution the doctor did prescribe Viagra and Cialis. They'll only help if your brain is in it so my results on them were so so.

It was only after I started to make changes at work, exercising again to reduce/manage stress and started sleeping that better things finally turned around. Plus, working out again helps keep testosterone flowing which helps increase drive. Being a couch potato (not by choice... tough to do a lot working 12+ hour days) didn't help.

That all said, the first few times was frustrating. It should always just work, right? After beating myself up, the best thing that helped was my girlfriend being understanding and not making a huge fuss over it. It would happen and I would be that much more reluctant the next time. It was cyclical and fed on itself. I would make an effort to take care of her ;) even tho I wasn't going to finish which I'm sure helped the situation overall. She was awesome and understanding. Handjobs and oral always helped and she was always willing.

If he doesn't vocalize it, I'm sure he really REALLY appreciates your support and positive attitude.

My only other thought.... is he able to masturbate? If he can get hard and get off by himself, that at least helps determine it's not all physical and there's something psychological going on... not necessarily towards the relationship, but maybe it's because being by himself, the worry of not performing isn't as great. Either way, it still might provide some clues. Unfortunately, the reasons are not always obvious. Stupid psyche . . .
 
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Lng_1

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All the advice seems appropriate, so I might add very little--- I'd find out his number one, most erotic and best fantasy and act upon it-- if it is a "double-team" of you with him and me... even better! hehehehehe... Seriously, my take is there is a whole mess of issues brewing that make this more than just a physical problem. But, having both of you knowing and recognizing the problem is a great first step. It takes some of the pressure off him and puts you back in the right frame of mind (i.e. you are one sexy, hot mama!) So, my guess is that with work and medication (there are some trial medications I've heard when cialis or viagra have failed) things will only improve!
 

Oliver_Clothesoff

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Something I read about a long time ago was "the postage stamp test". As you probably know, men get nocturnal erections when they're asleep. Before he goes to bed the guy puts a ring of postage stamps around his penis. If the stamps are separated the next morning it means he is getting hard at night and that the ED is mental. But, in your case, I suppose you could just look every now and then in the middle of the night and see if you notice anything.
 

Betty_Cocker

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That's a good suggestion Oliver. We might try that.

I know that lately (well for some time now) I have had insomnia so I'm awake at night. I roll over to snuggle him and he's soft. So ... IDK that could be a clue. He "thinks" its mental but perhaps it isn't.

And I'm thinking either he has a shitty doc (who hasn't even asked the right questions) or either he's just not telling me everything... could be the latter.
 

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was it his suggestion or your suggestion to sleep with other people. but it seems like your more concerned about "is it you" than his problem. If he suggested it than it might be his issue. If you suggested it; then think about it like this"how would you feel if a guy asked to sleep with other women?". Suddenly it would be an issue of "am I good enough".
 
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Betty_Cocker

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Dragon, I totally get what you are saying. We've been together all of our life and I never had another lover besides him (same for him). He has always had the fantasy of me with another guy (more well endowed.) It has always been a really great fantasy ... and I've always kept it as just that. A fantasy.

It was his idea to move it from fantasy to reality. I laughed him off... Wasn't sure it was a good idea. Not for the issue that I might "love" someone else... that has never ever been a problem with me. He knows where my heart is. He's super confident and trusting.. super secure in our relationship as am I.

I've often wondered if this desire of his didn't backfire on him a bit? I think that is entirely possible. I still love having sex with him ... he is still the best (no, not the biggest, but the best means... I can get emotionally into it with him... he can control my mind. Others? just physical nothing more.)

But I've found that if I am working on meeting someone else, this gets him very excited. So possibly it is just that he is cucked, plain and simply. And after all these years, I am just now finding out how cucked he is. (not sure if I am happy about it since now he cannot get it up without a tease...)

For the record. I would never suggest that someone follow through on their fantasies and make them a reality. Even if the love is still there... things change... and you have no control of that change.
 

dragon_9

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Dragon, I totally get what you are saying. We've been together all of our life and I never had another lover besides him (same for him). He has always had the fantasy of me with another guy (more well endowed.) It has always been a really great fantasy ... and I've always kept it as just that. A fantasy.

It was his idea to move it from fantasy to reality. I laughed him off... Wasn't sure it was a good idea. Not for the issue that I might "love" someone else... that has never ever been a problem with me. He knows where my heart is. He's super confident and trusting.. super secure in our relationship as am I.

I've often wondered if this desire of his didn't backfire on him a bit? I think that is entirely possible. I still love having sex with him ... he is still the best (no, not the biggest, but the best means... I can get emotionally into it with him... he can control my mind. Others? just physical nothing more.)

But I've found that if I am working on meeting someone else, this gets him very excited. So possibly it is just that he is cucked, plain and simply. And after all these years, I am just now finding out how cucked he is. (not sure if I am happy about it since now he cannot get it up without a tease...)

For the record. I would never suggest that someone follow through on their fantasies and make them a reality. Even if the love is still there... things change... and you have no control of that change.


you right sometimes it's better to simply fantasize. kinda like meeting your idol in person. it could be a let down.:confused:
 

Vernus

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Hello! I do not know if I'll talk can help her
I have ED caused by blockage of the arteries of the penis and viagra is not effective for erection. I make use of self-injection trimix with medical supervision and periodic examinations and I have an erection for one to two hours and can be applied to every forty-eight hours, and a maximum of three times a week.