How to deal with being a 31-year-old male virgin

[bguy]

On Saturday night, I met the woman I'd been communicating with for about two weeks. The evening was really nice, although a bit awkward due to first meeting nervousness. After we went back to her place she pretty much jumped me as she had predicted. Things moved really fast and she wanted me to put it in her. That's when she felt me and said 'Oh my god, you're huge' but also 'You're not hard,' because I was only half-erect at that time. She started to give me a blowjob and I just went completely limp. She asked if she was doing something wrong and I assured her she wasn't doing anything wrong, that it was just nervousness on my part. She did get a very satisfying orgasm and said she had never been as wet as she was that night. But she felt bad that I didn't receive any pleasure and I felt bad that I couldn't get it up. After I left the next morning, she continued to text and call me, worried about how I was doing, telling me how wonderful the evening was for her, hoping I wasn't upset.

I don't know if my problem was mental (all the baggage from my ex-wife, etc.) or physical (need to see a doctor?), but I suspect that part of the problem for me was that she was heavier than I expected, so I wasn't turned on by her naked body. I don't want to say that to her, of course, because I think it would be incredibly painful for her.

We have been in contact daily and she very much wants us to continue a sexual relationship. But I'm afraid that I simply won't be able to get it up with her and I'm going to hurt her feelings even more in that regard. On the other hand, I know it'll hurt her feelings if I break things off. The rollercoaster continues...

 

[dolfette]

if you get erect when you wank alone then it's not physical.

LOADS of guys get nervous the first time with a new partner. i've had experienced men unable to get erect, just through nerves, fear of failure, pressure to perform etc.

it happens! the more you fret, the more likely it is to happen.

she obviously really likes you, so relax, close your eyes, just think about the feelings and enjoy. it'll work out as soon as you start feeling comfortable.

you'll be fine :wink:

 

[luke nutley]

I'm sure no one here has any experience with this, but I don't really know where to turn and I could use some advice from people who know about sex and large penises (this is the place for that, right?)

I only dated one girl for about four years and saved my virginity for marriage. But after we got married she never had intercourse with me. I tried to be respectful of her feelings and didn't want to pressure her. She always told me she'd never been happier and I was the best thing to ever happen to her, so I didn't want to ruin things by being pushy or demanding.

After 7+ years, she cheated on me with her coworker (no intercourse with him either) and she walked out of the marriage when I discovered the infidelity. She could never really give me a single, straight answer why she wouldn't have intercourse, but one of the many reasons she gave me was that I was too big (which I didn't even really realize, due to my naivete).

Now I'm a 31-year-old virgin and afraid no woman will ever want me. Because it seems like women want someone confident and experienced, which I'm never going to be until I get some experience. Kind of like how when you're looking for a job, they all want you to have work history; but you can't get work history until you find a job. And I don't think there's internships for having sex.

I need all the advice I can get, because I don't want to be the 40-year-old virgin!

It's really fucked up that someone would marry someone and then not have sex with them.

I can't help but think she's either assexual or a lesbian (and only married you in order to make her parents happy or whatever).

I just can't imagine someone marrying and then not having sex for seven years.

That's fucked up.

If you want to get laid, go to a bar. Or, if you think you might embarrass yourself because you haven't done it before at your age, you could hire a hooker.

 

[Ed69]

On Saturday night, I met the woman I'd been communicating with for about two weeks. The evening was really nice, although a bit awkward due to first meeting nervousness. After we went back to her place she pretty much jumped me as she had predicted. Things moved really fast and she wanted me to put it in her. That's when she felt me and said 'Oh my god, you're huge' but also 'You're not hard,' because I was only half-erect at that time. She started to give me a blowjob and I just went completely limp. She asked if she was doing something wrong and I assured her she wasn't doing anything wrong, that it was just nervousness on my part. She did get a very satisfying orgasm and said she had never been as wet as she was that night. But she felt bad that I didn't receive any pleasure and I felt bad that I couldn't get it up. After I left the next morning, she continued to text and call me, worried about how I was doing, telling me how wonderful the evening was for her, hoping I wasn't upset.

I don't know if my problem was mental (all the baggage from my ex-wife, etc.) or physical (need to see a doctor?), but I suspect that part of the problem for me was that she was heavier than I expected, so I wasn't turned on by her naked body. I don't want to say that to her, of course, because I think it would be incredibly painful for her.

We have been in contact daily and she very much wants us to continue a sexual relationship. But I'm afraid that I simply won't be able to get it up with her and I'm going to hurt her feelings even more in that regard. On the other hand, I know it'll hurt her feelings if I break things off. The rollercoaster continues...

It sounds like a little of all three "Nerves,baggage and her body type."Nerves and baggage I know about,I was a 22 year old virgin.1)Having sex outside of marriage is a big nono in my family 2)It was my first time.But there was no way I was passing up the invitation to come to her bedroom!The first 2 tries failed I lost my erection.She said "It's ok just hold me."Later that night when I relaxed everything worked fine.:smile:I can't say anything about the body type issue.I like women of all shapes and sizes unless it's something extreme.

Good luck!Keep us updated.

P.S.We've been married 17 years since that night.So don't give up!

 

[niceguy0107312]

First post. I just wanted to affirm what the others said about being confident in yourself and your decisions. Don't let others define who or what you are. I'm really sorry to hear what happened with your first marriage -- I'm surprised you stuck it out that long.

I decided to save myself -- all of it -- for marriage, but it took me until I was 31 to find a wife. I've been married a couple decades now. Sex is awesome, it was well worth the wait, though I had a really hard time believing that when I was waiting. We have a very satisfying sex life, and still go at it once or twice a day after all these years. Most importantly, though, we're totally into each other, body and soul, with love, lust, and respect.

Hoping you find something exciting, fulfilling, and full of love.

 

[Mem]

A divorced virgin...you learn something new every day..good luck.

 

[2322]

No joke, this is where I'd go for the prostitute. Here's why:

• Professionals are expert at getting you to relax and enjoy the experience.
• There's no pressure to perform because she's there to focus on you and you alone.
• At 8x6 you're not too big for most women, but vagina size doesn't correlate to body type or size. Even if a woman is very wet, she may need time to accommodate you and a prostitute can teach you how to take things slowly.
• The pressure of being a virgin will be gone. It's one more issue out of your head.
• She can teach you things to do with your cock that will please women enormously.
• You will be able to control the experience after years of not being in control. You will be able to initiate sex and do what you want, how you want, and that should translate into confidence. Confidence is important in a bedroom. People like confident partners because they make exciting lovers.
• You can choose from a number of ladies based upon whatever criteria you decide. If a lady's appearance doesn't float your boat, you can choose one who does. I highly suggest discussing your particular issue with the madame so she can help guide you to the best lady for your needs.

Yes, I've been to Nevada and I actually like it. The ranches are nice and very welcoming. They put you right at ease. You can hang out for hours, have a drink at the bar, or get right down to business. The girls are all tested regularly for STDs though you will be expected to use a condom.

Give it some consideration. I think it might be helpful.

 

[Adam8613]

dude, go meet stacy out in LA right fuckin now! OR, get drunk and fuck whatever comes your way, blunt, yes, but hey!!!!!! sometimes i'm amazed by ppl. who see sex as something 'magical' (no offense).

 

[niceguy0107312]

dude, go meet stacy out in LA right fuckin now! OR, get drunk and fuck whatever comes your way, blunt, yes, but hey!!!!!! sometimes i'm amazed by ppl. who see sex as something 'magical' (no offense).

No offense taken, but it was kind of rude anyway. You shouldn't try to make him feel badly, either by trying to make him think your way, or by saying that he sees sex as something "magical."

To some of us, sex is a very personal expression of our deepest relational feelings, and not a sport. That was the primary reason why I said it was well worth the wait. If you disagree, then fine. But I have a better sex life than almost anyone I know, and none of the entanglements, regrets, or diseases that come with sportf**king.

But I wish you well.

 

[mariorossi]

On Saturday night, I met the woman I'd been communicating with for about two weeks. The evening was really nice, although a bit awkward due to first meeting nervousness. After we went back to her place she pretty much jumped me as she had predicted. Things moved really fast and she wanted me to put it in her. That's when she felt me and said 'Oh my god, you're huge' but also 'You're not hard,' because I was only half-erect at that time. She started to give me a blowjob and I just went completely limp. She asked if she was doing something wrong and I assured her she wasn't doing anything wrong, that it was just nervousness on my part. She did get a very satisfying orgasm and said she had never been as wet as she was that night. But she felt bad that I didn't receive any pleasure and I felt bad that I couldn't get it up. After I left the next morning, she continued to text and call me, worried about how I was doing, telling me how wonderful the evening was for her, hoping I wasn't upset.

I don't know if my problem was mental (all the baggage from my ex-wife, etc.) or physical (need to see a doctor?), but I suspect that part of the problem for me was that she was heavier than I expected, so I wasn't turned on by her naked body. I don't want to say that to her, of course, because I think it would be incredibly painful for her.

We have been in contact daily and she very much wants us to continue a sexual relationship. But I'm afraid that I simply won't be able to get it up with her and I'm going to hurt her feelings even more in that regard. On the other hand, I know it'll hurt her feelings if I break things off. The rollercoaster continues...

I think you must get used to phisical contacts, i read your experiences. So go on and date someone else, or the same girl, just keep on trying and you will see, everything will go well.
And, last but not least, you have a beautiful and large cock, you cannot keep it for yourself!

 

[bguy]

I'm ending things with the woman I met with. She's been lashing out at me about how I don't seem as into her as she is into me and giving me guilt trips about not texting/writing/calling multiple times a day. There are a lot of reasons, but the reality was that the chemistry we had over the phone didn't really translate (for me) in real life. And her actions since then are not helping.

The one night we shared really hasn't helped me in regards to confidence. I'm now even more concerned that I will be able to perform when that day comes.

 

[D_Ivana Dickenside]

dude, go meet stacy out in LA right fuckin now! OR, get drunk and fuck whatever comes your way, blunt, yes, but hey!!!!!! sometimes i'm amazed by ppl. who see sex as something 'magical' (no offense).

^ OMG, LOL. i can't stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!! :rofl:

 

[D_Sumefielde Sumesausage]

I agree. Get laid. It will feel like a cold that cleared up.

 

[Jovial]

I'm ending things with the woman I met with. She's been lashing out at me about how I don't seem as into her as she is into me and giving me guilt trips about not texting/writing/calling multiple times a day. There are a lot of reasons, but the reality was that the chemistry we had over the phone didn't really translate (for me) in real life. And her actions since then are not helping.

The one night we shared really hasn't helped me in regards to confidence. I'm now even more concerned that I will be able to perform when that day comes.

The not wanting to reciprocate with the texting/calling is a sign that you are just not into her. You took a shot getting to know her and it seems it didn't work out. Don't feel bad about it.

 

[bc_chica]

I agree wholeheartedly! I know I'm not a rich super-hunk, but I'm a kindhearted, caring and patient (obviously!) guy and I figure some women out there must want that. Just wish I could figure out where they're hiding.

They're hiding in BC!!!!

 

[bguy]

They're hiding in BC!!!!

Tell them to stop hiding up there, bc_chica! :biggrin1:

 

[TallPLA]

Long-time lurker, first-time poster here.

I’m 33 and still a virgin. Do I care? Eh, depends on the day you ask me. To me, it’s more about finding a connection with someone and then allowing that connection to manifest itself physically. There are days I wish it was the other way around because I would fit in much more easily, but it’s not how I am wired. So be it. Guess what? No one has ever died of horniness.

Granted, there are a littany of reasons that I could list for my choice (strict Catholic upbringing, sexual confusion, etc.) but at the end of the day it comes down to one thing: fear. We all have our struggles, and I’m doing what I can do to overcome mine.

In our sexually saturated society, intercourse is made out to be the end all and be all. It’s how we’re supposed to feel value. That feeling only seems to come from being with someone we love. I’ve rarely heard of anyone regretting that they waited too long, but I’ve heard of plenty of people express regrets over starting too early.

Do I prefer my situation was different? Absolutely, but it will happen when it happens. In the meantime, I will do what I can to do to work on myself and by default that would attract the right person(s). With hard work and a little luck, my confidence will allow me to start putting myself out there and developing this long dormant part of my life.

Your post intrigued me. I must say I am still very confused by some of the choices you’ve made. You chose to stay in a sexless marriage for eight years and you say you did that out of love for her. That’s not love. When your life choice is so detrimental to your own self-esteem, something else is going on. Your failed foray with a recent hook-up would suggest as much, too. Sometimes, our body is trying to tell us something that our brain refuses to acknowledge. There seems to be a lot of baggage for you to unpack before you’re home. It might do you some good to talk to someone with some expertise.

Don’t feel that you’re some freak because you are a virgin of an advanced age. There may be many reasons for your choice, some you may be not aware of yet. I applaud the fellow posters who haven’t jumped on the he’s-an-older-virgin-so-he-must-be-gay bandwagon. That’s so annoying and simplistic. We all have our own reasons and who knows if that happens to be one of them for you. If your posts are truly indicative of whom you are and those are your pictures in your profile (I take everything on the internet with a grain of salt) you are a kind, thoughtful, good-looking guy blessed with what many would consider to be the right equipment. Hopefully you’ll be able to work through some issues and be able to fully embrace all the gifts you have to offer, and find a relationship where you’ll both bring out the best in each other. For you, it’ll be worth the wait. Take care and God bless.

 

[CALAMBO]

maybe i should read all of the posts completely before commenting...but here it goes...HORSE SHIT...GO GET LAID...life is short...you are not going to be a happy fulfilled man until you get past this problem...dude you are a good looking stud...go get fucked...i am not trying to be rude...just reality based fellow dude

 

[bguy]

Thanks for your lengthy, well-written post. I appreciate it. I did, however, want to rebut one point:

You chose to stay in a sexless marriage for eight years and you say you did that out of love for her.

Actually, I didn't say that.

I was a very naive person then and didn't know how best to deal with the situation. Conflict avoider? Yeah. It bothers me greatly now to know that my inaction was part of the problem. I generally was quite happy, though, and I did love her. And it bothers me now to know that I settled for so little.

When your life choice is so detrimental to your own self-esteem, something else is going on. Your failed foray with a recent hook-up would suggest as much, too. Sometimes, our body is trying to tell us something that our brain refuses to acknowledge.

But that means sometimes it's not. Well, if it's trying to tell me something, I wish I knew what that was.

It might do you some good to talk to someone with some expertise.

Wish I could. I have no idea who would have expertise with this and doubt I could afford to pay them.

I now think the thread title is slightly off because the problem I'm having is more about being a 31-year-old FORMERLY MARRIED virgin.

My confidence level has risen greatly since I first began this thread, because I do feel desired. But the couple of failed sexual encounters definitely hasn't. I'm still not sure if it's a physical or mental issue.

 

[TallPLA]

Barring your marriage, was there something that happened in your past that causes you to have a low opinion of yourself? Again, you avoided confronting your wife on this issue, so do you think maybe you weren't worthy of happiness or something? And if so, why? Your virginity is not the problem, it's symptomatic of something else going on. Like a previous poster said, don't think of yourself as a 31 year old virgin, but as a man who happens to be a virgin. You're not that different than everyone else. You're still looking to find value in yourself, just like everyone else.

I'm glad you're starting think more highly of yourself, and I guess I confused love with happiness, that you said you did this to keep your wife happy. Hopefully, now you'll start to think of your own happiness. And yeah, I have no idea what your performance anxiety means, either, but I'm not a trained professional.

As far as talking to someone, any therapist should be qualified. Don't know what your job situation is like, but sometimes your work offers an Employee Assistance Program or therapy that would be covered by health insurance. A lot of therapists work for a reduced rate for those that can't afford it, too.

I don't think going out and getting laid by the first person that says yes is going to be the right choice for you. If you just really want to get it over with, have your doctor prescribe some Viagra so there will be no doubt that you'll stay hard, but that, in the long run, won't solve anything.

You seem like a good guy, and hopefully you'll develop the confidence to see how much you have to offer, and not allow yourself to be taken advantage of.

No need to reply (you can if you want), just something to think about.