I caught my wife having sex with another man

[deleted356736]

There is a difference between love and the desire to posess someone. As Sexplease wrote, monogamy rarely works, at best two-thirds of the time and probably about half. As someone who has been in a similar situation to your wife, it IS possible to love two people at the same time, and sex with one person doesn't affect your love or feelings of sexual desire towards the other at all. Which is how I came to understand the first line of this paragraph.

Monogamy is only about determing that a woman's child is that of her husband anyway.

Consider all aspects of your relationship, including sex, before you make up your mind. I recommend disregarding the 'get rid of her' comments as being overly negative. and coming from perspectives that don't appreciate that both love and sexual desire is something bigger and more complex than one person for life.

 

[Drifterwood]

Hi

I would believe her that it was "just" sex. Had it been more than that then she would have left you five years ago.

How you deal with your partner having just sex with someone else is for you to deal with, both as an individual and then as a couple. I don't know if you had agreed boundaries or simply expectations that this should not happen, but now is the time to establish those boundaries within your expectations of each other.

If you don't want to do this then you should end it, but if you do, then you effectively have a new start.

 

[L_Lynn]

That is a difficult situation and not something anyone else can help you decide on; I wouldn't venture any advice.

I was in a similar situation and I tried to forgive. We went to counseling, read books, etc. Bottom line though, for me, was that after a year and a half, I just couldn't see him the same way anymore and ended the relationship.

 

[B_MatureHungDad]

I say forgive but you should have a chance to get even

 

[D_Rawkesbye Deadheade]

If you can live with it and if things get better for both of you then great.

I don't think I can live with it though if I were to be in your position regardless of the better sex. I personally can't get past dishonesty.

 

[Wish-4-8]

Just think about this.
The only reason she fess up was because she got caught in the act, red handed. It seems that she could have lived her whole life without you ever knowing and be OK with that. No guilt, no concious about the vows you exchanged. Its not like she was confessing to you about it in hopes to change.

To her, its almost an inconvinience that she got caught. It makes the cheating a little trickier.

Yeah, she loves you. Except for the part that she has to give up a bit of herself for her husband she chose to marry, you know, for better or for WORSE.

If you are OK with that, then more power to you. Forgive her and see what other surprises she has in store for you. (can you say paternity tests)

 

[dolfette]

but...sometimes people take risks because they want to get caught. a twisted way of coming clean.

 

[D_Rawkesbye Deadheade]

but...sometimes people tale risks because they want to get caught. a twisted way of coming clean.

Interesting point of view.

 

[poomoz]

Do what feels right for you, only you can tell.

It may well be that your wife is relieved that the secret is out. That may explain why sex is better than ever now?

 

[dolfette]

Do what feels right for you, only you can tell.

It may well be that your wife is relieved that the secret is out. That may explain why sex is better than ever now?

a weight off her shoulders.
...or hips.

 

[Wish-4-8]

but...sometimes people take risks because they want to get caught. a twisted way of coming clean.

Yes, that is true. Especially the twisted part. And she could have still lied about the 5 years. But 5 years to get caught? That takes planning.

 

[voidout]

don't listen to us.
don't stay or go just because people say you should or can't forgive.
you know her and, know when things are working and you know when things aren't.
some people can fix it. some can't. there's no universal solution.
do what feels right for you.

exactly.

 

[allmale]

Shurik, I'm sorry this has happened to you and your marriage. I had two questions that came to mind when I read your post. First, who else did she screw in the town you live in? Second, who else did your "friend" screw, how many others?
It's very difficult to ever get over something like this, I don't think one really does to be perfectly honest. But, you can repair the relationship, if you want to, enough to where the marriage can at least sustain (esp. if kids are involved).
My advice is don't do a "revenge" fuck. Don't lower yourself to base standards. You are better than that. I learned the hard way that two wrongs don't make a right, if fact it just makes things worse.....a lot worse....I think to the point that it could completely break up a relationship. This was a lesson I learned the hard way, like I did with "open" realtionships then having to go the Dr. to get an STD cleared up.
I'd advise marriage couseling for now AFTER you've had some time to think and get back in touch with your own and your spouses feelings.

 

[SR_Les Intercourse]

nope

 

[deleted356736]

Just think about this.
The only reason she fess up was because she got caught in the act, red handed. It seems that she could have lived her whole life without you ever knowing and be OK with that. No guilt, no concious about the vows you exchanged. Its not like she was confessing to you about it in hopes to change.

To her, its almost an inconvinience that she got caught. It makes the cheating a little trickier.

Yeah, she loves you. Except for the part that she has to give up a bit of herself for her husband she chose to marry, you know, for better or for WORSE.

If you are OK with that, then more power to you. Forgive her and see what other surprises she has in store for you. (can you say paternity tests)

I did this with another woman over a fair period of time and the sex we shared, and eventually the love I felt for that woman, had no adverse impact on my marriage at all. My wife guessed something was happening with someone, so when I decided to improve my home sex life from rather average to something better, she went along with it quite willingly. Since then, my married sex has been fantastic.

I truly doubt that unless one has been in this situation, one can understand how it isn't quite so simple. Yes you can have sex with someone else, and it doesn't affect any other relationships in your life. Yes you can even fall in love with someone else, and still not affect anything. Yes, your married sex can often become better, because it feels like a tension is being released. It feels like you are releasing a deeply-seated desire to have sex with another person, and then you become grounded for quite some time.

 

[MercyfulFate]

My girlfriend cheated on me and I cheated on her in revenge. It still sucks to think about, but we love each other enough that we got past it.

If your pride won't allow you to move past it, then it might never get fixed. However if your love transcends that, you have a shot. Seems "duh" I know, but what the heck.

 

[Wish-4-8]

I did this with another woman over a fair period of time and the sex we shared, and eventually the love I felt for that woman, had no adverse impact on my marriage at all. My wife guessed something was happening with someone, so when I decided to improve my home sex life from rather average to something better, she went along with it quite willingly. Since then, my married sex has been fantastic.

I truly doubt that unless one has been in this situation, one can understand how it isn't quite so simple. Yes you can have sex with someone else, and it doesn't affect any other relationships in your life. Yes you can even fall in love with someone else, and still not affect anything. Yes, your married sex can often become better, because it feels like a tension is being released. It feels like you are releasing a deeply-seated desire to have sex with another person, and then you become grounded for quite some time.

Like I said, if everyone is OK with it, then more power to them. :wink:

 

[Not_Punny]

Maybe you dig the humiliation??

(Doesn't mean that's ALL you dig sexually, but maybe there's something to consider here. Some people really get off on this.)

 

[voidout]

Maybe you dig the humiliation??

(Doesn't mean that's ALL you dig sexually, but maybe there's something to consider here. Some people really get off on this.)

good point to consider.

 

[siempie]

Let me first state that I love my girlfriend very much.

I myself am having enough trouble accepting the fact my girlfriend had partners before me. I have crazy images in my head all the time.

If this would happen to me it would be completely impossible for me to ever have an emotional connection ever again with her. I would fall out of love.

I don't see this as something that could be fixxed, neither would fucking some other woman get me my feelings for her back.

She broke the bond of trust and me as a very jealous guy could never look at her without seeing her getting fucked by this other guy. It would kill me.

I would get pissed and have a big ol fight and leave her ass.

It's your decision and if you still have feelings you should consider staying if you think you can rekindle the flame. If you are like me, don't stay for the good times you had. Think about yourself. But only if you are sure you can't forgive her.

If you have kids and decide to stay for that reason, you earn a freaking medal in my book.

Good luck