I REFUSED sex with my wife last night..

[goodtoyou]

just to spite her!

Long story short-
Before we lived together- constantly had sex
after we moved in together - frequently had sex
after we were married - occasionally had sex
after we had a child - never have sex ( I'm talking 2 or 3 times a year)!

So it's been months since we actually had sex, and its always on her terms, never mind the fact I go to bed horny and frustrated most nights. Last night she starts cuddling up to me, eventually when I came back from the toilet she's lying on the bed totally naked.

Man, it took A LOT for me to say no, and she was so annoyed, but I thought it would be good for her to be horny, frustrated and unsatisfied for a change!

But, then so did I.

Am I being stupid? At the end of the day I could have had sex last night!

Whats your thoughts, anyone in a similar position?

 

[dad4you]

Marriage counseling, quick.

 

[Countryguy63]

Spite is not good :frown1:

However, if it was to try and get her to understand your frustration and feelings, GOOD LUCK :wink:

 

[babl]

Yes, you are being stupid because you're playing a game with your wife. Be mature and communicate with her about your feelings. Good communication and intimacy will lead to more sex.

 

[jkjk1977]

Hi, Had the same "problem" and resulted in a breakup, which resulted in kids going to me and going to their mother every few days. I recommend you to follow the advice from BABL if you want to save your marriage. Although I do understand that you wanted to let her experience what you had to go through already for years. Good luck.

 

[socalfreak]

Does not sound healthy/effective/beneficial/worthwhile/good AT ALL.
If you can't talk about this issue, you're doomed.
If you can't deal with the difference in sex drives, you're doomed.
If you think "punishing" your girl with this idiotic, grade-school tactic will work, you're doomed.
Smarten up.

 

[goodtoyou]

OK, so spite was maybe the wrong phrase to use.

I did it to make her understand how I feel.

Apart from the sex, we have a great relationship, we are close, just that one thing missing.

I have tried to to make her see several times, we have spoken about it, and she makes an effort for a little while, but then it all stops again!

The strange thing is, when we have sex, it's amazing, just not often enough for me.

 

[socalfreak]

Ok...
Two things:
1- are you SURE she is being satisfied with what you do? Is she getting what she needs/wants? Are you being selfish here?
2- sex drives can change in people. Age, health, having kids, etc can all play a part.
Instead of whining that things can't be your way, how about meeting her in the middle?

 

[goodtoyou]

Ok...
Two things:
1- are you SURE she is being satisfied with what you do? Is she getting what she needs/wants? Are you being selfish here?
2- sex drives can change in people. Age, health, having kids, etc can all play a part.
Instead of whining that things can't be your way, how about meeting her in the middle?

eh...no whining here, I think I have been VERY understanding. And yes I know sex drives change, which is why I'm being so Understanding.

And not to sound big headed, but YES, she is being satisfied. When we had regular sex she wouldn't always cum, but then sometimes I didn't either. But whenever we do have sex, she always comes first, and sometimes she is the one being selfish and just stops! (Again, not whining, just explaining).

 

[Enid]

Yes, you are being stupid because you're playing a game with your wife. Be mature and communicate with her about your feelings. Good communication and intimacy will lead to more sex.

This. Woman. Knows. Her. Shit.

Yes you are dumb I get it it sucks but just fucking talk to her. Otherwise I'm sorry your marriage is suffering.

 

[Stephenmass]

I'm quite sure he has talked with her about it. He even said so. He went on to say she would try for a very brief time and then more or less back to hardly any. I can certainly understand how he must feel. The sex is so very limited that it becomes not so much what was already communicated, but is she even interested.

How do you interest someone who simply isn't interested anymore? Talk is cheap.

 

[erratic]

Am I being stupid? At the end of the day I could have had sex last night!

Well, I don't think you were being wise (though I don't know your relationship as well as you do).

It sounds to me that what you want your wife to understand is how much you want to make love to her and how important it is for your well-being that you do. You had the chance to do so in a passive aggressive way, and you did. The problem is, being passive aggressive sometimes works in the short term, but in the long term it reliably destroys relationships.

If I were you, I would say something along the lines of "Honey, I'm sorry about the other night when you wanted to have sex. I feel rejected a lot by you and that hurts me. I was angry that night and wanted you to know how I feel. I did it the wrong way, and I'm trying to do it the right way now."

Of course your sex life has dwindled; you've been together for a long time now, you're parents. It sucks, but that happens to couples. But I trust it'll be better for the both of you if you feel you're working together on the problem rather than each on your own - and that work is long-term work since you're in a long-term relationship. One or two conversations won't fix a chronic issue. You have to stay in touch about it. After all, sex and excitement aside, we all want to know that (rather than playing gotcha or being passive aggressive) someone's there for us, in our corner, even when things may not be getting better any time soon, right?

 

[554279]

Not shagging the wife if it's offered! What the hell were you thinking?

 

[Enid]

I'm quite sure he has talked with her about it. He even said so. He went on to say she would try for a very brief time and then more or less back to hardly any. I can certainly understand how he must feel. The sex is so very limited that it becomes not so much what was already communicated, but is she even interested.

How do you interest someone who simply isn't interested anymore? Talk is cheap.

Yeah. You're right. It seems to me like the marriage is over because it is like a dead bedrooms situation. Ugh. I'm sorry OP I do hope you can work through this.

 

[Daisy]

Well unless you've been married and had kids I would say people really don't get it. It's REALLY easy to shag like rabbits when you're in a relationship but family dynamics change everything. I have no advice because honestly it is what it is. Procreation tends to kill a couple's sex life no mater how much you think you're going to do things differently and not be like "those people". Parenting is hard. Period. Especially if you're the one providing full time care. She is not withholding sex from you. She's fucking tired!

Your method of dealing with it could be better. Try some understanding first. Stop assuming she's doing something to you. Try thinking about what it takes to care for other people all day long and then being expected to shift into sex mode.

 

[Lord_of_Goon]

Well unless you've been married and had kids I would say people really don't get it. It's REALLY easy to shag like rabbits when you're in a relationship but family dynamics change everything. I have no advice because honestly it is what it is. Procreation tends to kill a couple's sex life no mater how much you think you're going to do things differently and not be like "those people". Parenting is hard. Period. Especially if you're the one providing full time care. She is not withholding sex from you. She's fucking tired!

Your method of dealing with it could be better. Try some understanding first. Stop assuming she's doing something to you. Try thinking about what it takes to care for other people all day long and then being expected to shift into sex mode.

Preached.

 

[EllieP]

Why don't people talk to each other any more?

When my husband and I were married (second time for both of us) we were adults, and part of our vows were that we would remain adults. It was as if we were married to each other for years when we finally committed to one another.

If there is one thing I've learned in 42 years about men: subtlety does not work. I have to actually open my mouth and say exactly what I mean. Hints, body language, exasperated sighs either do not breach the dense wall or they are ineffective.

Plain, unambiguous speech seems to get the job done.

And the same goes for me, but I've learned to interpret some things. I now know that a G string is not an item of apparel but is the fourth string on his guitars. I know a hot pot is not something on the stove but has something to do with his electronic equipment.

And in the bedroom we have to be equally unambiguous. Touch me there. Neither of us are afraid to say that. And neither of us are afraid to say I can't do that, or I'm too tired, or it hurts, or it's not going to work. I know what "no teeth" means, but I cannot always comply.

Apologies are part of it, too. It's real life.

But above all: NO GAMES! Games are for kids. They have no place in adult life either in politics or intimacy.

Sit down. Talk. Get a third party to interpret if you need, and it sounds like you need.

This is not going to go away, but it will fester if you continue.

 

[mikeyinbrooklyn]

Lack of sex is the symptom, not the problem. Fix your marriage (it sounds like communication issues). Remember, too that having kids is a physical ordeal for a woman; her whole body changes, including her female parts and weight of course, but also her brain and hormones and self-image. Aside from counseling, I recommend upping the non-sexual intimacy: give her massages, a passionate kiss when you come home or go to work, send her flowers for no reason. Woo her all over again, without pressure. And let her know that you are ready, willing and able when she is. And when she presents herself naked on a bed, instead of planning your next marital-political move, make love to her like you've never done before.

 

[babl]

She is not withholding sex from you. She's fucking tired!

This is a good point.


OP - I suggest communicating with her about the issue, and if that's already been tried, consider seeking out a third party (ie therapist.) I know marriage counseling sounds scary, but it's not the be-all end-all. Think of it as preventative therapy - you take your car in for maintenance so it doesn't break down later down the road. If it's an issue you can't work out on your own, a therapist will help you understand the problem. Be proactive to solve these issues before they damage the relationship further.

 

[Zyzyz]

Yes, you are being stupid because you're playing a game with your wife. Be mature and communicate with her about your feelings. Good communication and intimacy will lead to more sex.

^This^