I REFUSED sex with my wife last night..

[flyboy]

Wow it's posts like this that just confirm to me I have an awesome marriage!!! I'm living the dream!!!

 

[deleted716371]

Well unless you've been married and had kids I would say people really don't get it. It's REALLY easy to shag like rabbits when you're in a relationship but family dynamics change everything. I have no advice because honestly it is what it is. Procreation tends to kill a couple's sex life no mater how much you think you're going to do things differently and not be like "those people". Parenting is hard. Period. Especially if you're the one providing full time care. She is not withholding sex from you. She's fucking tired!

Your method of dealing with it could be better. Try some understanding first. Stop assuming she's doing something to you. Try thinking about what it takes to care for other people all day long and then being expected to shift into sex mode.

If men understood this advice and acted on it, there would be alot more sex in the suburbs. :smile:

 

[mydeepsix]

Earlier today, I ran across this:

A Psychology Study Says 36 Questions Can Make People Fall In Love With Each Other | Pink is the New Blog

I spend an hour asking my wife these....at first she was dismissive, but I kept on, really trying to listen and not allow any of my feelings to show. Only hers.

I was surprised we made it through all 37. I learned a few things I hadn't known before.

 

[Betty_Cocker]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply.

To answer a few of your questions-

Our marriage is in no way in trouble, we communicate (a lot), we are still affectionate, we cuddle, kiss etc, we still love each other, and tell each other that, we are best friends. It is just this one gap that most of the time, I can deal with(thanks to this site, of course), just sometimes it bothers me.

We have spoken about it over the years, I have brought it up several times, in several different ways. Each time, she has had no real answer, except that there is no reason behind it. When we do have sex, she's always like 'we should do that more often'....then 3 months later-still nothing!

We have a 3 year old child, and again during pregnancy and for the first year after, I was VERY understanding, we were both tired. She works part time, I work full time, and I still look after our child 2 of the days she works, before coming to work myself. I do everything in the house the 3 days she works. Yes she does do all the washing & ironing, but she has 4 days off!! Plus on the days she has to get up for work, I'm the one who gets up with our child during the night for whatever reason.

I could be wrong, but I doubt there are many women who are the controller in their relationship when it comes to sex, and they can sometimes abuse the power.

I shouldn't have used the word spiteful, and I wasn't trying to play games, just trying to help her understand what it feels like to be sexually frustrated, and not just just because she says so!

To add further frustration, she thinks that I should be wanking...at all. I said that I could probably go 3 days without a release, if we didn't have sex withing the 3 days, I would have to!

So, again I thank you for reading!

I see such a parallel here with my relationship. Except my husband is your wife. (no small children at home.) We also have talked, and when we have sex it's awesome and yes "we should do this more often" ...

I'm not sure what it is either. (My husband buys me toys to use to keep me happy these days. It helps, but not the same thing. And he doesn't masturbate. Just a very low sex drive. Other things on his mind? Possibly.)

Did you explain to your wife after you "declined" sex that the way she felt is very much how you feel at times? You guys are young. Hopefully, talking will help you reach a happy medium.

And I do not know your wife, but pretty sure she's tired at the end of a day with small children, a home and (work??). Even with a helpful husband who pitches in, there's still a thousand things going on in her head of "things to do tomorrow."

 

[Stephenmass]

Lack of sex is the symptom, not the problem. Fix your marriage (it sounds like communication issues). Remember, too that having kids is a physical ordeal for a woman; her whole body changes, including her female parts and weight of course, but also her brain and hormones and self-image. Aside from counseling, I recommend upping the non-sexual intimacy: give her massages, a passionate kiss when you come home or go to work, send her flowers for no reason. Woo her all over again, without pressure. And let her know that you are ready, willing and able when she is. And when she presents herself naked on a bed, instead of planning your next marital-political move, make love to her like you've never done before.

Mikey will you marry me? :smile:

 

[EquusAZ]

Again, as I've stated on here before, marriage is NOT about sex. It's about commitment, and being together for the sake of being together.

I've been with my husband for 8 years, 16 as friends. IN this time, the last 5 have been sex-less, as will the next 5, 10, 20, 30, 50 years. Why? Medical issues. I'm not with him because of sex, I'm with him because of companionship.

If you are using sex as a weapon, I would seriously think about the strategy I had in this relationship and WHY I was in this relationship. If it's to "have a sexy partner"....wrong answer.

So second part: Just because you have kids, a debilitating disease, amputation, doesn't mean you can't have a satisfying relationship:

You need to really look into why you are in this in the first place. And even IF sex is the reason, you need to re-evaluate why you are STILL in this relationship. When my husband was diagnosed as he was at year 4 of our relationship, and we both knew sex would probably be a near impossibility, he gave me an out. I refused. Why? I loved him. I couldn't be without him by my side. He is my Husband. Better or for worse, sickness AND in health. Notice the And there? That much I remembered and when I responded "if sex is the only reason I'm here, then I'm here for the wrong reasons...." was my response.

In time he gave me permission to "play" but I rarely act on it (it's been well over a year now).

Talk, be friends, something drew you together at one point besides sex. Time can dull passions, but, you can always rekindle a flame. Find out what kindled your flames!

Remember that!

 

[lillywhite]

I absolutely agree that you did the right thing.. Be strong and turn her down again.. Eventually she'll be attacking you like the old days.. Just try this plan.. Bang her hard next time and turn her down again after that.. Just act like your tired or something and wait for the next time.. She'll eventually hit on you and then give it to her hard!

Don't believe these people on here.. They're pussies or women who have no clue.. For instance, there's no way in hell a woman is so damn tired that she'll only have sex 2 or 3 times a year like you stated.. Bull shit!.. Men work hard in life and we still get it on.. She just wants to be the one calling the shots or she might feel a lack of love..

If you want to try to win her heart in order to warm her up, then you can always resort to the Hallmark cards, See's candy or flowers for the house.. They're actually cheap and easy to give and for some reason the women love them all.. I do it all the time and I score big points..

But be tough and turn her down on occasion.. Let her know that you're calling the shots too.. She'll feel like she's lost her attractiveness and will eventually try to get sexy and win you over again.. It's very powerful for women to try and seduce their man..

Good luck!

Women do not want quick fixes like cards, candy or flowers! This is why we have a honey do list. I have had 1 for ten years. It is typed, dated, and has listed in order of needs. What we want is a man to show us we are appreciated and loved. I cook, clean ect...as well as work fulltime. I would still love to feel he is putting the same effort in.

 

[SillyGayBoy]

Revenge declining sex is horrid. Don't do it again.

 

[Dollydud]

Come on it's so simple .


You break it you buy it.

Time is money.

Once you have kids your onboard until their 18, stop being a punk, jack off. Go make kids family life environment happy for everybody .

Make more money. She's probably asked to marry into a "partnership".... that means she's working too. No traditional roles and needs want aren't going to be satisfied nor are you entitled to them. You willingly set up a and entered into a legal contract. Until you agreeded upon something and put it in writing, they don't owe you sex.

However, ironically the law doesn't penalized for lack of sex. They will however royally hold you accountable if you break your contract with infidelity.


Basically if you had had enough money when you married you'd have a wife, not a partner. If you had enough money to keep everyone happy they'd be motivated and happy.
Also if you had enough money and no kids you'd have a easier divorce and yes, Time is opportunity, missed and utilized... your going to have to pay for the wasted time if you now want out 20+ years after the fact.

The law cares about the kids well being and the adults supporting each other and the children financially . They don't want to support anyone, adult or child . Just because you care about sex, doesn't mean the systems or society has.

Marriage is a legal contract.

You have to pay to play.

And pay to keep a wife happy.

 

[Dollydud]

If men understood this advice and acted on it, there would be alot more sex in the suburbs. :smile:

Here I'll help. They'll understand this:make more money so your wife and get break. Make more monkey so she can go shop For cute outfits and go to the beauty salon . Pay for your kids to do extra educational enrichment classes and sport and buy a nice healthy dinner for everyone and on your way home from work. Oh and tell her the vacation / family outing budget so she can have fun planning these fun family vacations and outings .
Got it now ?

Want more sex?... Make more money .

 

[Geoffrey2_0]

The only time I ever refused sex with my wife was when she was exhausted but determined to have sex with me for me (because for some reason she loves me )--I made up an excuse she believed so she wouldn't think it her fault, and we had an early, restful, good nights sleep . . .

 

[Grit]

Wow it's posts like this that just confirm to me I have an awesome marriage!!! I'm living the dream!!!

Same here... Can't imagine being married without the sex. Before the kids came it was 3 to 4 times a day (when home all day) now with them its maybe twice a day.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Marriage counseling, quick.

That's spelled " Marriage Cancelling" dude.