You've turned it into a fetish, and considering your level of obsession and anxiety, it doesn't seem healthy. Somehow, it does seem like you have crossed the line between wanting to give your best to your partner, and undermining yourself through this obsession with pleasure she received with someone else. Did you know in surveys, most women report satisfaction with their partners? If she wasn't satisfied, she likely wouldn't have stayed. I wouldn't. I think you run the risk of your new fetish making you too goal-oriented, and of losing your spontaneity.
How did this come up? Why did she tell you about orgasms with her past lovers and the sizes of her past lovers' genitals? Did you ask?
I agree with what you've said, and have had great offline messages branching off this post that have helped a great deal. This is really constructive for me, so thanks. I posted elsewhere that this place has done wonders for my confidence on 3 levels: I now realize size issues aren't restricted to average/small guys; women aren't only interested in size; and the orgasms experienced by my partner with her ex are not commonplace.
It came up in the following way: I knew her ex well as we played on the same soccer team - known for being hung. When we first got together she mentioned that he had been too large for her at first & that she had been worried because she couldn't feel me at all during sex. Incredibly, this meant nothing to me at the time because I assumed in my youthful naivety that all female orgasms are like male orgasms - exactly the same. I wasn't in the least bothered for the first 10 years of our relationship. Then a woman I work with, self confessed SQ, said she was having the best sex of her life because the guy she was with was huge - new types of orgasms etc. Curiosity piqued, I asked my partner that evening & got this response: 'Yes, I agree, bigger is much better, you feel it more, more friction & fullness & the sensation against the back wall is incredible.' My partner is the most incredible woman but she is honest, straightforward & blunt, & if you ask her a question, she will answer it. I went into a tailspin, overcome by a horrible feeling of inadequacy I've never felt before. Made worse by the fact he dumped her but she went back to him just for the sex - and thats not the sort of person she is, she's very prideful & that illuminated a great deal for me. Immaturely, I stopped communicating with her, didn't want sex etc. I hid the reason because I didn't want to seem like a pathetic insecure worm who couldn't deal with the 'truth' as it is to her. I then became obsessed with replicating the orgasms she had with him, so asked for more detail & she told me about the different orgasm, comparison with clitoral etc etc. And then the ball crushing statement: 'Don't worry, he may have filled me physically, but you fill me emotionally.' Trust me, no guy EVER wants to hear that - but she finds the emotional far more important, so she didn't think that would sting.
Anyway that's got to the point where I eroticized it, feeling I wasn't measuring up if I didn't give her the orgasms he did. I mean, anybody can fulfil anybody else emotionally - friends, family etc - a guy wants to give his partner physical fulfilment otherwise whats the f*cking point of having a cock? So, yeah, I've gotten pretty screwed up over it. Since then, she has done a 360 degree turn: she now point blank refuses to discuss anything to do with size & says 'I was wrong, you're the best, I actually prefer clitoral etc'. That's my fault - as a previous poster noted, I've projected my insecurities onto her & now she's switched off. Danger sign, so I've backed off completely too, hence why I came here for an answer to my question. I accept everything you've said, but that's a good starting point, right? Acknowledging that the current line of thought & action is counter-productive & needs to be redressed? As an aside, my best friend is well hung & I tried to have this discussion with him over a beer to see if my partner was unusual. He was mortified & said: 'I give my girlfriend head until she writhes, then I make her cum with my dick. That's all I know.'
I hope that's answered your question AlteredEgo. I also hope you can see that theres no ulterior motive here, I'm being genuine.
