What can a gay young man do?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Catharsis, May 17, 2012.

  1. Catharsis

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    I want to get myself out there and explore my sexuality, but... I feel like my opportunities are restricted.

    I'm looking at nightlife, particularly aimed at the gay population. The closest (gay) bar or club is at least 20 miles away from me. I mean, I can travel, but it's just not convenient for me... Aside from the distance, the main problem for me is my age. I wouldn't be allowed in (most) bars, and my alternative is to go to an 18+ club. I want to go somewhere with a more chill atmosphere where I can sit and chat with someone, not dance. I'm sure I can still do that in a club, but I don't know... What do guys usually do at clubs?

    I should probably add in that I just want to intimately hang out with other gay guys without a need for it to go beyond that... Basically, I'm not really looking for a hookup (not that I'd deny it if an offer came from a guy who appears to be decent). But I still want to be intimate. Does that make sense? Or am I just weird? :redface:
     
  2. 7inchbliss

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    It makes sense to me to want to get out and explore and relate with others. I'd say since travelling is an open option even though its a good distance maybe try to spring for it every so often treat yourself to a little relaxation when you can. I'm sure plenty of others here may have more valuable info than I but I figured I'd throw my cents worth in.
     
  3. Water dragon

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    It makes a lot of sense.
    I am in the same problem.
    Living far from the city it is fairly difficult when all one wants to do is relax at the end of the week at the local pub like the rest of the population, have a good time, connect with similar minded people without the frustration of trying to dance or mix in an uncomfortable crowd with the potential to score by the end of the night.

    Not to mention catching a train late at night is no fun or having no one to travel with or no friend to hang in the clubs with is a pretty daunting ideal.

    My mates are fairly supportive of my sexuality so it kind of makes things easy but it is not the same as having a specific friend to connect on certain issues, who is willing to travel to a gay club or finding a potential relationship. Plus at a normal bar if I tried to pickup I would probably be criticised (to put it nicely) if I don’t make sure they aren’t straight.

    I am not ready to make an ad online or travel 3 hours to pay $50 entry at an overpriced club and end up with disappointment. – However I guess some risks are worth taking but the question is if there aren’t any other options?
    Which I still have yet to find an answer.

    One mate suggested I get Grindr to see if there are any locals around to chat with but due to limited money which also hinders me going far to travel; it would require me to buy a new phone for just one app.

    Being a minority we have to take further steps and be more creative to find a relationship or a place to connect which is suitable for our needs.
    It is increasingly difficult when I don’t have a mate at my side to gain the courage for the first time to approach a guy I like.

    This sounds like a horrible, self pitying rant but luckily there are online gay bloggers and video makers who share their own tales like ‘Davey Wavey’ or ‘Aussie space time traveller’ or Simon Amstell’s stand up ‘Do Nothing’ with their inspiring messages telling us how to look on the bright side or how confidence is an illusion or another method which can make life easier or bearable.

    On one note there are probably many guys at those night clubs or bars who want the same thing, not to dance but to just chat and feeling the connection of another human.

    So far I have yet to go to a gay bar or night club so I am probably a hypocrite with his own self fear and delusions but when I go to gay pride picnics, bush walks, local clubs or other such activities I end up seeing the other attendees aged 20 years older than me :disappointed:
    - Nothing wrong with being mature with experience but I want someone who can explore with me; though I do have a soft side for some older men, Steven Fry your mind is amazing!

    At university I have noticed a decent crowd so my next step is seeing if I can work towards meeting someone there.

    So I guess it’s all about location, luck and exploring outside our comfort zones to how far we are willing to find that man to connect with for whatever reason.

    So I say good luck mate and I hope something works out for all of us :rolleyes:
     
  4. wheel4

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    Yeah in Connecticut it is hard to find a place to socialize with other gay guys. I grew up there so I understand...
     
  5. D_Yuri_Nation

    D_Yuri_Nation New Member

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    There are probably coffee shops that you can go to. I just tried Googling for places in CT (no luck) but you could look in the gay neighborhood of the nearest large city.

    Another idea would be to join a non-skeevy dating site (like OkCupid or PlentyOfFish).
     
  6. Daisy

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    Cathy isnt there some kind of gay community you can get involved in, like a theater company? There has to be, every city has one..Im not a gay dude but Ive been to ALOT of gay bars and the kind of relationship you're seeking is not likely to be found there. Find a community or start here: Connecticut Events Meetup Groups - Connecticut Events Meetups
     
  7. AtomicMouse1950

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    Check an see if there isn't a gay outreach center near where you live. That's a great way to figure out what's out there for you to explore. Some of these centers also have discussion groups you can join.
     
  8. RalDudeHangin

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    Try a site like meetup.com. It's not a hookup site. Groups of different interests (music, cars, art, social, food lover, etc...) post to let people know they're out there. There are groups in different areas that are gay oriented and run the gamut of all different interests. For example, you might find a gay biking group or other social activiites.
     
  9. Catharsis

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    What? I'm just looking for a social hangout where I can talk with other guys and its not so faux pas to be touchy feely with him in public, lol. There's an LGBT center at my school but it's not active over the summer.
     
  10. D_Yuri_Nation

    D_Yuri_Nation New Member

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    I think that AtomicMouse is referring to general gay outreach centers, like Triangle Community Center in Norwalk.

    There are places like these in many large and medium cities. I don't know where you are, but I would expect them to exist in New Haven and Hartford (and maybe Bridgeport and New London too).
     
  11. Catharsis

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    I meant that in response to the relationship thing that Seaside brought up, lol. Although the LGBT center at my school holds weekly meetings for young gay, bisexual and bi-curious men, but I think it deals more with coming out and accepting your sexuality. I could probably attend these meetings to support and be supported... It's been on my mind and I think I will try it out for next semester.

    I -do- think those communities that AtomicMouse mentioned (such as the one you brought up in your post) would be a good place for me to start... But Hartford is the closest "big city" near me and that's about 20 miles away. Let's just say that if I were to drive from where I live to any city along the coast (which is where all the other major cities in CT are located), then I might as well drive to Boston. :p Or even to Providence...
     
  12. martin60018

    martin60018 New Member

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    being from an older generation, 18 was perfectly legal to go to bars, buy alcohol, cigarettes. So I cant relate much, but you belong to the internet generation.There must be other young guys out there for you to meet up with.
    arent there gay coffee houses nearby? you need to network with some old queens, they can host you and friends when you have no where to go.
    I find this question distrubing when our govt. limits what we can do and where we can go for entertainment, but is perfectly fine with giving an 18 y/o a gun and send him off to war to kill people.
     
  13. erratic

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    Respectfully speaking, I'm afraid that you're not leaving yourself a lot of options. As you are unfortunately aware of, one of the things that sucks about being queer in a not-so-populated area is that there aren't a hell of a lot of other queer people to hang out with. You may have to travel if you want in-person LGBTQ companionship. Otherwise, you may want to consider dating locally. You may not find your soulmate, but you would stand a decent chance of finding your way into whatever nearby unofficial LGBT groups of friends there are.

    As always, when people don't live in gay centres, I recommend the internet for finding people.
     
  14. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    IMHO, no one has to connect to a particular community. The means by which one can come to enjoy m2m intimacy is the same as it was thousands of years ago: guys find outher guys to be friendly with. Most of thes freindships never develop into sexual realtionships but it is the ones that develop that true bonding that may at some time include sex. ''

    Inmy experience, when two guys become so close that each knows that the other has the hots for him, sex will come naturally and it will be gtreat sex , I think, because it has become a wqy of confirming the bond that already exists between two guys.

    I hope you will be patient, but also alert to the opportunities for such friendships that come into your life. I still stand in awe of the intimacy Ihave known and the beauty and the mystery of it all .

    The guyy you have been greeting every day may be looking for what you also want.
     
  15. D_Yuri_Nation

    D_Yuri_Nation New Member

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    I don't want to put any words in Catharsis's mouth, but I think he wants to know where his can make the initial connections.

    You're definitely right that guys need to be patient and let things develop naturally. But when a dude lives outside of a city/metro area, it is easy to feel like he is all alone (especially before he turns 21).

    To analogize: in a way, relationships can be like plants. They grow best when they are given time to blossom naturally. But in order to grow, one must first have a seed. And I think that Catharsis is asking about where he can locate other seedlings - so that they can grow (physically and emotionally) together.
     
  16. Catharsis

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    haha, I guess that's one way of putting it.

    I think I basically want to flirt with other guys and gain some experience. Immerse myself with a variety of gay guys and see what catches my interest - find out what I like and potentially don't like in other guys. Build myself and learn more about myself.

    I'm not really looking for sex (necessarily) or even a relationship - yet - but it is something I would like to accomplish, one day. As for sex, well, if I get together with another guy, I'd much rather cuddle than fuck. ;)
     
  17. D_Yuri_Nation

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    Your best bet is to find an online dating site (not hookup site - I suggest OkCupid or PlentyOfFish).

    Make it clear that you're looking for friends first, and then maybe possibly take it from there.

    Connect with a few guys. If you choose to meet any of them (after you have been talking for a while), make sure to do it in a public place like a gay-friendly coffee shop. Look for a rainbow flag sticker somewhere on the store's window/door.

    You will certainly make some mistakes (we all do). Maybe one of the guys flakes out on your first meeting. Maybe you will get emotionally attached to some guy who does not feel the same about you. Maybe you will get physically involved with a closet case, and his mother walks in on you two fooling around. These things happen. Learn from the mistakes and move on - do not get bogged down with regret.

    IMHO the important thing is that you're exploring yourself sexually, and you're strengthening yourself emotionally.

    Some people may object that following my advice will turn you into a slut. I disagree. But if anyone would give different advice - I would be glad to see him comment.
     
  18. erratic

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    ^^^ Do as Coxey says. It is only through experience that you will find out what you're interested in.
     
  19. Mushrhoom

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    Yes. Agreed - you're mature enough at 18 to make a decision that could cost you your life, but not mature enough to drink a beer.

    This kind of hypocrisy is bullshit.
     
  20. Britannic

    Britannic New Member

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    In addition to dating sites, you could look online to see if there are any gay social group that meet near you that are closer that have events and activities where you can meet people to make friends and such.