Would your father/brother/son's sexuality impact you?

[1T1U1F1F1Y]

Hi guys, this is a question predominantly for the gay and bi men of this forum but I guess it could apply to anyone if you tried hard enough. The question is: If you are a gay or bisexual man and you found out that your father, brother or other significant family member shared your sexuality would it make you feel more or less confident, ashamed, proud or any other connotation?

I'm gay and there was an instance where it seemed as if my older brother suggested he was bi. In a rather peculiar way; this knowledge made me feel that I had more of a connection to him and I felt more proud to have him as my brother over sharing something as simple as an appreciation for the same thing (men).

Has anyone else had this reaction or experience? What do you think you would do if this did occur?

Let me know. Thanks guys.

 

[1T1U1F1F1Y]

To put it more plainly for peope who wouldn't want to read all of that; would you find it offputting if a male family member (or close friend/acquaintance even) also had same-sex attraction or would you find it to be a reinforceing factor?

 

[1NiceRod]

Friendships (even with family members) are strengthened by common interests so I guess I would be a reinforcing factoe. On of my closer buddies from my earlier years was a cousin who also had bisexual interests. We both had different circles of friends. I wasn't friends with any of his buddies because I didn't share any of the common interests that made them friends.

 

[KennF]

I'm told that my dad had homosexual experiences back when he was in the Navy. However, he and I have never discussed them directly. It didn't change my opinion of him.

As for my brother? I would probably get really angry at him and want to knock him out flat. All of his arrogant and cruel comments out of ignorance are one thing, but to find that they were his form of denial would exacerbate my feelings.

It would never change the way I feel about myself, since at this point in time I am past caring about what others feel about my sexual orientation.

 

[keenobserver]

It would depend largely on what the relationship was / is before the issue of sexuality was revealed. My own brother is largely str8 - he would say 100% straight, but I think a part of him is at least bi-curious. It is not something we discuss, however. He has always been there for me and accepting of me as a gay man. Given we have mostly different interests in almost all other areas I don't think a common sexuality would change our relationship really at all. My father was a major asshole his entire life - if he were gay I think he would still be an asshole. On the issue of sexuality he never had an issue with mine, so I will give him that.

My cousins who are gay are no closer to me than my non gay cousins, although we are on the same page politically and socially.

I have to say, the question posed by the op has made me think about it more than I initially thought I would.

 

[223790]

I have suspected for many years now that my brother is at least bi, and may have been on the DL with a former buddy of his. I'm bi (never acted on it though), but my brother is adopted, so it's not like it runs in the family. My father (biological to me) is a total homophobe. My mom is more tolerant, but has told me she doesn't understand how guys can be attracted to each other. She flipped out and dismissed it completely when I wondered out loud once if my brother was on the DL. Is it any wonder I have kept my bi desires to myself all of my life, and was in denial about my bisexuality to myself for so long?

 

[1T1U1F1F1Y]

Thanks for the terrific and varied responses guys. It's great to already see some different perspectives. I guess the most appealing thing about the idea for me is that it was spiritually reassuring to see something "hidden in myself" reflected in a man I had some form of familial respect for.

 

[1T1U1F1F1Y]

In a way it would be discovering that you're father or brother or best male friend likes to belt out Vanessa Carlton 'A Thousand Miles' as loudly as you do. Being able to share an enjoyment in something considered 'lame, stupid, odd or just plain queer'. Reassurance in similarity for lack of a better description.

 

[keenobserver]

In a way it would be discovering that you're father or brother or best male friend likes to belt out Vanessa Carlton 'A Thousand Miles' as loudly as you do. Being able to share an enjoyment in something considered 'lame, stupid, odd or just plain queer'. Reassurance in similarity for lack of a better description.

You raise a really interesting point for me. I have always had a duality about my self and my sexuality. Except for a long period when I was in a relationship, my sexual experiences, gay friends and gay life always remained separate from my family and my work / school friends and associates. Part of it is age related and goes back to the need I had to be quiet about being gay for the period of my life up to age 23 or so. That seemed to set the pattern. My family was ultimately accepting once we got things sorted out and they got over the surprise of it all, but the pattern was really set. When I was in a long relationship they were okay with it, made him feel welcome and were honestly affectionate towards him - but beyond that it just always seemed to be two separate lives - even though the need to keep it that way was long gone.

 

[DavidXL]

I don't know if it would have made a difference with me. I recognized early on that I had same sex feelings in addition to opposite sex feelings. My opposite sex feelings were much stronger than my same sex feelings. I wanted the same sex feelings to go away, because I saw them as a nuisance, but I never felt ashamed or bad about them, even though in the world I lived in the 70s and 80s there was not a lot of support for what I felt, both within my family and outside it. My parents would not have been supportive at all, I am sad to say, if I had said I liked boys and girls. We weren't allowed to say anything racist or sexist or against anyone's religion, but homophobic comments were fair game.

I remember recognizing that what I viewed as my gay qualities made me a better, more rounded person that I might not have been if I had been 100% straight. I think I would have ended up in the mixed up place I'm in anyway no matter what (i.e., living an uncomplicated, primarily straight family man life until my 40s when I started to wonder what else might be out there, which is not an awesome position to be in when you're married and don't want to fuck up your life or those of the ones you love).

With my own sons, they know we have gay friends, that some boys want to marry boys and some girls want to marry girls, and that no matter what, all of that is OK with us and they can always come to me with anything. They even asked a whole lot of questions about Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner, and I told them that was OK with us, too. I don't think my sons are gay or transsexuals, but they know early on that it would be perfectly fine with us if they were, which is an open level of comfort and potential support I definitely did not have.

 

[1T1U1F1F1Y]

I don't know if it would have made a difference with me. I recognized early on that I had same sex feelings in addition to opposite sex feelings. My opposite sex feelings were much stronger than my same sex feelings.

Do you understand how potentially reassuring it could be to one of your sons (who happened to be gay) and know that you not only can talk to you about it but you can know that his feelings are not only natural but daddy has them as well. I imagine it would make him feel more supported in an unintentional way.

 

[1T1U1F1F1Y]

but beyond that it just always seemed to be two separate lives - even though the need to keep it that way was long gone.

What could you do to embrace yourself either more? There's no need to keep your sexuality as dual/segregated aspect of your life. I must say I face a similar problem. I have absolutely no shame over my homosexuality; my only problem is that a lot of the time I don't know where to "put it" most of the time when it comes to real life, conversation or relationship building.

 

[1T1U1F1F1Y]

Is it any wonder I have kept my bi desires to myself all of my life, and was in denial about my bisexuality to myself for so long?

Do you think if you and your brother shared bisexuality would it make your bond any stronger? Are you working through that denial? Men are beautiful and attractive (most of them) and I hate the idea of anyone not feeling allowed to embrace that notion.

 

[DavidXL]

Do you understand how potentially reassuring it could be to one of your sons (who happened to be gay) and know that you not only can talk to you about it but you can know that his feelings are not only natural but daddy has them as well. I imagine it would make him feel more supported in an unintentional way.

Yes, I imagine it could. Maybe someday if the context is right. I try to be the best role model I can be to them. To be fully honest about my feelings, I would also have to confess to behavior that is not my finest (not the feelings, but the exploration of them), and don't see how that is healthy for them to know. The best I can do right now is to let them know they are loved and supported unconditionally and that all of it is A-OK with me and their mother now matter what they think or feel or do.

 

[bi_todd]

I had an older brother who committed suicide at age 18 shortly after graduating from high school. At the root of his anguish was a homosexual relationship that had gone bad. In spite of his attraction to this guy, he denied being gay and also had a steady girlfriend at the time. Who can say for sure, but I prefer to think of him as being bisexual like myself.

I regret that we were not particularly close as siblings. If he were still alive today, I've wondered if our common orientation would make us closer as brothers, or would our sexuality be a taboo topic that is never discussed (as in some families).

 

[223790]

Do you think if you and your brother shared bisexuality would it make your bond any stronger? Are you working through that denial? Men are beautiful and attractive (most of them) and I hate the idea of anyone not feeling allowed to embrace that notion.

I don't think it would as my brother is very homophobic, so even if he was on the DL, he wouldn't admit it. That buddy of his is long gone now. He was a total psycho, so the entire family is relieved.

As for me, I have finally come to terms with and accepted that I'm bi. I don't know if I will ever act on it because I'm married. I love my wife. She is my best friend, and I would never want to hurt her.

 

[ronin001]

I had an older brother who committed suicide at age 18 shortly after graduating from high school.

Sorry to hear of your loss. With so much of LPSG being about sex , perving and fantasy; I often forget that behind the Avatar pictures and screen names here are real people .

 

[1T1U1F1F1Y]

I had an older brother who committed suicide at age 18 shortly after graduating from high school. At the root of his anguish was a homosexual relationship that had gone bad. In spite of his attraction to this guy, he denied being gay and also had a steady girlfriend at the time.

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. Do you think if he had found reassurance in his sexuality (I'm presuming that was the SOLE factor or at least a major part of his suicide) in the men around him could it have made for a different outcome?

 

[bi_todd]

Do you think if he had found reassurance in his sexuality (I'm presuming that was the SOLE factor or at least a major part of his suicide) in the men around him could it have made for a different outcome?

It is very hard to speculate about things which happened so long ago.

I don't believe my brother's sexuality was the central issue in his suicide. He was just feeling despondent over a failed relationship. His life was also in a state of flux after graduating from high school with no plans for college or other real opportunities on the horizon.

My brother was somewhat estranged from our father (divorced parents), but he had a good relationship with our step-father.

 

[keenobserver]

What could you do to embrace yourself either more? There's no need to keep your sexuality as dual/segregated aspect of your life. I must say I face a similar problem. I have absolutely no shame over my homosexuality; my only problem is that a lot of the time I don't know where to "put it" most of the time when it comes to real life, conversation or relationship building.

I don't think the duality exists out of need - I think it is more out of habit. I would not as a conversation discuss my pick-ups in a gay venue with my brother simply because it would be of no interest to him. I would if I was dating mention it and refer to a man I was seeing in a relationship - but that was never been an issue, and it is really more "relationship" than "gay". I agree with your point that there is not need to keep it segregated / dual, but there is no need to blend it either. I would not ask my brother for sexual pointers nor would I offer explicit ponters of a sexual nature to him. We have exchanged relationship insights over the years, but they are not really sexuality based.

Still - an interesting thread.