‘Mom Always Liked You Best’

‘Mom Always Liked You Best’

By PAULA SPAN
The notion that parents cherish all their children equally — or at least say they do — is so entrenched in our culture that colleagues warned Karl Pillemer, a gerontologist at Cornell University embarking on the first of many studies of family favoritism, that his research would prove futile. No mother, they insisted, would admit to caring more for one son or daughter than another.

So much for that. His team’s interviewers, talking to mothers ages 65 to 75 in the Boston area about their adult offspring, found that most were perfectly willing to name favorites. “Most mothers have very distinct preferences,” Dr. Pillemer said. “There’s one to whom they feel most emotionally close, one with whom they have the most conflict. Parental favoritism is a fundamental part of the family landscape throughout life.”

In other words, he added, “the Smothers Brothers were right.” (Note to younger readers: On their hit comedy show in the 1960s, Tom Smothers used to complain to brother Dick that … well, read the headline above.)

Further studies revealed that middle-aged children often recognized that their parents felt closer to one child than another — but were off-base about who ranked highest. “They typically choose themselves,” Dr. Pillemer said, “and they’re typically wrong.”

One might file this under “Stuff I’d Just as Soon Not Know,” except that the care of the elderly falls mostly to their children and that one child usually shoulders the bulk of the responsibility. Mothers also express clear ideas about whom they want and expect to take on that role, it turns out, so their partiality has consequences.

Who’s the lucky child? She is the one the mother feels emotionally closest to and thinks is most similar, who shares her attitudes and values. And she is the one who has provided support and help for her mother in the past.

The choice of pronoun is deliberate: research has long confirmed that this job falls overwhelmingly to daughters. That reflects women’s traditional roles, but Dr. Pillemer pointed out that it also reflected similarity — a higher degree of closeness between mothers and daughters than between mothers and sons.

“If you expect you may be losing your autonomy, you want a child who shares your values,” he said. “If someone’s going to be making decisions for you and you know you’re going to be dependent on her, you want someone you feel close to.”

What does not seem to make much difference is whether a child has competing demands on her time — whether she can actually take on these tasks.

“Mom’s not thinking of things like: ‘Is my daughter married? Does she have children? Does she have problems that might prevent her being a good caregiver? Does she have the resources to be a good caregiver?’” Dr. Pillemer said. “Being married or being a parent didn’t matter at all. Being employed only mattered a little.” (Children did get a pass if they were geographically distant.) Nor do mothers put much weight on reciprocity — whether they had provided help to particular children in the past. Expectations about caregiving clearly represent an emotional decision, not a pragmatic one.

In fact, even a child who would appear patently unsuitable gets the nod if the mother always liked her best. To the investigators’ surprise, mothers were not dissuaded by a history of substance abuse or other mental health problems, or even by past trouble with the law. Susie, who did drugs and ended up in rehab for months, is picked if she and her mother are close; Billy, who has been Mr. Straightarrow but feels more distant with Mom, isn’t really in the running.

I confess that I had trouble envisioning a family conversation on this subject. In a society where most older people cannot even bear to sign an advance directive, are they really going to talk about which children they have quietly chosen as their future caregivers? Acknowledging preferences to a researcher who guarantees your anonymity might prove a lot easier than acknowledging them to your children.

Dr. Pillemer wasn’t so sure. He said families eventually talked about who was going to do what to take care of their parents. If Susie is planning to light out for the other coast to start a new life as a ceramicist and won’t be on call, it is better to know that sooner rather than later.

Comments

Sweetie,

In your case it looks like you hit the jackpot! My brother does what he can but you can imagine the good stuff (dealing with bodily issues etc) fall to me. His girlfriend actually blurted out to my bedridden mother one evening in a fit of pique on the phone that my mother was the reason they had not gotten married! :eek: Though I think my brother is actually a more loving offspring I am basically the chosen one in terms of how it affects my life. I feel like I am on lockdown. I also think he is the favorite. In the black community it has saying "Mothers raise their daughters and love their sons" Luckily my brother is one that got raising along the way. Or maybe it is him. If anyone should be the favorite I would say it should be him because he is a gem and deserves to be with a gem.
 
I am from family of four..one oldest sister...i am middle of 3 boys......yeah.....i was NOT the fav...in my family everyone still knows it and treats me exactly same 50 yrs later...mother still living, she is not coming to live at my house!!!
 
I wasn't the fav either. I've only recently begun to see how much that designation affected me over the years. Frankly, it rankles.
 
Further studies revealed that middle-aged children often recognized that their parents felt closer to one child than another — but were off-base about who ranked highest. “They typically choose themselves,” Dr. Pillemer said, “and they’re typically wrong.”

My middle oldest sister (the lesbian one) was the YES beyotch to my mom. I don't know about who was the favorite in my sibs...but I know that it wasn't me. I was actually the black sheep that wanted success on my own terms not by my mom's.



 
invisibleman;bt19493 said:
Further studies revealed that middle-aged children often recognized that their parents felt closer to one child than another — but were off-base about who ranked highest. “They typically choose themselves,” Dr. Pillemer said, “and they’re typically wrong.”

My middle oldest sister (the lesbian one) was the YES beyotch to my mom. I don't know about who was the favorite in my sibs...but I know that it wasn't me. I was actually the black sheep that wanted success on my own terms not by my mom's.
OMG! What is wrong with you?!? Black men are NEVER supposed to disrespect or go against the will of their mommas. :eek: I bet she has written you out of the will already, :frown1: that's a shame. :irked: So me marrying you in name only so I can get her good silver is a moot point now. :mad:
 
invisibleman;bt19493 said:
Further studies revealed that middle-aged children often recognized that their parents felt closer to one child than another — but were off-base about who ranked highest. “They typically choose themselves,” Dr. Pillemer said, “and they’re typically wrong.”

My middle oldest sister (the lesbian one) was the YES beyotch to my mom. I don't know about who was the favorite in my sibs...but I know that it wasn't me. I was actually the black sheep that wanted success on my own terms not by my mom's.

I love it. What is a "Yes" Beotch? I , you are definitely an original! LOL!
 

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