A Changing Sexual Orientation

The terms I’ve used to define my sexual orientation have changed substantially overtime—as has my understanding of my longings, attractions, and desires.


When I was in my early twenties, I identified as asexual. I found myself attracted to images online, but not flesh and blood human bodies. Mostly, I liked looking at pictures of enormously muscular and fantastically well-endowed men and imagining what I would feel like if I looked like them. I also enjoyed seeing pictures of oversized labia—but I was aware that they provided slightly less of a thrill for me than hyper-masculine bodies. Additionally, I very much enjoyed watching myself jackoff in the mirror—but I never fantasized about sexual acts with anyone else.


Just after my 25th birthday, I had a couple of friends plunge me into the world of dating. They set me up an online dating profile and encouraged me to try it. Over that first year of dating, I had my first kiss, my first fuck, and my first falling-in-love. I ended up going on 2-4 dates per week...probably about ninety-something first dates in total over the course of the year. I began dating both men and women—but that eventually boiled down to exclusively men.


I still felt so confused by my orientation. For a while I was identifying as bisexual, but I recognized that my longing for men was much stronger. To sort everything out, I resolved to write myself a long letter where I described all of my sexual longings from as far back as I could remember. Realizing that they were vastly pertaining to men, I began to identify as gay and came out publicly.


Since that time, I’ve had some fabulous relationships with other men—and ended up getting married to the most amazing human I’ve ever met. He is intelligent, kind, handsome AF, deeply insightful, loving, and radiates with spiritual energy. I love him with my whole heart.


The comfort he has given me has allowed me to reexamine some of my older desires and experiences that I have shoved to the side.


One such discovery, from the recent past, pertains to the realization that I am still attracted to women’s sexual organs. Even though it’s exceedingly rare that I meet a woman in real life who I feel compelled to fuck, the feeling occasionally arises. I still very much enjoy looking at big boobs and meaty labia in videos and pictures.


Two, the fantasies I had as a young man about growing hugely muscular and enormously well endowed are still present—even though I thought it was merely a surrogate for openly acknowledging my attraction to men. To watch myself masturbate in the mirror and imagine myself with fifty pounds more muscle or several inches more dick makes me enormously aroused. This growth fantasy is an enormous part of my orientation—and is something that feels independent of craving any external partner.


I now try to openly explore making my body bigger and more hung as a way to fulfill these longings. I have also explored a sexual relationship with a lady friends of ours, who my husband and I both love very much.


All this said, it leads me to currently identifying as omnisexual. Even though I am still predominantly attracted to men, calling myself “gay” no longer feels entirely encompassing of my full experience. I’m not sure auto-sexual is a term—but that one could potentially also apply.


My reason for sharing all of this is for one, particular reason: to encourage you to love yourself for where you are. Accept where you are. If your sexuality also does not fit into neat, easily checked boxes, you are not alone. We are all complex, layered, and ever-shifting. What might feel like a “true” label one week might not be, a week later.


Have compassion for yourself. Allow yourself to be wherever you are—and do not judge yourself too harshly for your desires. Be aware—be kind—be compassionate. Be respectful of all life. And allow yourself to be the human that you were made to be.


Namaste.

Comments

Sexual orientation seems to come easier for some people than others. I also believe there are many repressed folks out there who live as they perceive society and their family wants them to rather than whatever satisfies their soul. At age 18 I really hadn't given much thought to sexual orientation. Then, when I became a nude model at my college, I was suddenly sought after by both males and females and entered into several years of sexual exploration.

My dorm roommate situation did not work out and simultaneously I had a proposition by a guy I was extremely attracted to. He wanted me as his room mate and bed mate and would not charge me anything for food, rent, etc. in exchange for having sex with him whenever he wanted it and with whatever friends he brought home. I happily agreed and it gave me a chance to learn about myself.

I found I was much more attracted to men, even though I enjoyed sexually relationships with many women. After college I ended up having two live-in relationships with wonderful men and decided that absolutely I was gay. Then one day my now wife came along. I pretty much hate the term soul mate, but it does describe our attraction. I was ending my relationship with my last male lover and we moved in together and got married not long afterwards.

I told my wife at the time we were talking about getting married that I was not sure I could promise to give up M2M sex. Amazingly she told me to do what I needed to do, but she never wanted to see me do anything or hear about it and said I needed to do it safely. I remained 100% faithful until a couple years ago. Then, one day my long time best friend, who had always been straight, asked to begin a sexual relationship with me when his wife shut him out. We have been fuck buddies ever since.

I wish our society would differentiate between love and sex. I view sex as an enjoyable form of exercise and entertainment and find it can be amazing outside the boundaries of love. And sex can certainly be an amazing aspect of a love relationship, but for my wife and I love encompasses so much more. I would love it if it was considered normal to invite a couple to dinner and afterwards have sex with them or instead of telling my wife I am going to the gym to workout, I am going to a buddy's house to fuck.

I hope you don't mind me telling so much about myself on your post. It's just that your words resonate with my personal thoughts and experiences. I am happy for you that you are with the man of your dreams and that he and you are in agreement on accepting someone else in to fulfill something he can not provide for you. It's not a competition, but rather it should be about allowing our partners to fill gaps in their needs and desires to feel whole.
 
@hugehungyogi thank you for sharing! I'd like to offer you one observer's perspective, for whatever it's worth, but offered with compassion. I was in my 50s before anyone told me I was attractive, it's not like i changed physically, i just never got the compliments. that was also the time in my life that i finally acted on the sexuality i knew was there all along. i do believe our experiences shape us in one way or another, so i would not be concerned about attraction to men vs women as a unilateral decision. But i would say .. please take it from one observer, you are incredibly good looking, you are tall, you are well built, and as everyone else here has commented, you have an enormous, huge, magnificent, awesome penis which i trust works just fine. i am glad you are married to a man, whom i trust appreciates everything attractive and masculine about you. if you really want to build your physique, i say go for it, because i have always felt like i lacked whatever it takes inside to do that. if you succeed, even modestly, you will feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment and know that YOU did it, because it is the one thing men can do for themselves.. we can't change a lot of things about us but we can build our frames..and with your height and looks any results are sure to be jaw dropping. you will be the man you so admire. just don't let it go to yer head.

that said, i do not think you need to think that your penis needs to grow more with the rest of you. Accept yourself as you are, knowing that you are already a monument of masculinity in that department. it's the one part of you that can't really be changed that much and you already have so much more than almost all of the human race. don't be goaded by the lures of media on the internet... you are already one in a million... probably one in several million or tens of millions ... if your husband doesn't tell you then let the rest of us, or let any woman who says 'that's enough, i can't take any more of you!'

looking forward to seeing what you do with yourself..we'll be cheering for you... but in that one respect, leave well enough alone, except when he comes out to play then enjoy him for all he is! please.
 
This is very interesting. I identify with much of what you say. Throughout my teenage years, and well into my twenties, I enjoyed jerking off in a mirror, turning myself on and, at the same time, gaining some sort of validation/reassurance from performing and posing for myself. This happened in secret while I was in sexual relationships with other people, male and female. It was a ritual I reserved just for myself. I sometimes thought myself 'perverted' for doing so but I have since come to realise that it is not uncommon for guys, straight and gay, to mirror-wank. There are accounts of it here in the thread 'Are You Turned On By Your Own Cock?' (lol) Perhaps many of us have an auto-erotic aspect to us.

Although I no longer masturbate in the mirror I do take pics on my phone and post them on here, which I see as a manifestation of the same auto erotic impulse but with a vast, albeit anonymous, audience. It is no longer a private ritual but I am still in control of it.

Membership of LPSG has also taught me that male sexuality has many shades and subtle variations to it that almost defy categorisation so, yes, we must accept ourselves for who we are and enjoy the pleasures that brings us.

I am glad you have found fulfilment with your partner.
 
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An absolutely fantastic post! For me I identify as gay even though I'm pretty much in the middle bi. I enjoy sex with both sexes, however, for relationships I tend to stick to men, and am married to an amazing husband, partner, and best friend ever. So yeah, I get entirely where you are coming from. I was also a bit of a late bloomer (21) and kinda dove in head first and made up for lost time. Sexual orientation is pretty fluid in most people, and a lot of time I feel that its external expectations and pressure that make us go one way or the other. There is a lot of stigma out there for us bi guys. Gay men tend to treat me as being gay, just not honest with myself about it, and straight people tend to think I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too.

Again - wonderful post!
 
@Thom Hewson I always so appreciate your engagement on my posts and material.

I wanted to follow up on one point you made, just because it brought up some emotions for me. I am actually going to create a YouTube video about it for next week.

When you talked about me trying to build up my body, you discussed how making modest gains will provide a lot of self satisfaction. I am a big believer that it’s not the results, but it’s the efforts we put in that should provide the lasting joy and happiness.

I want to share a bit about my journey.

My parents got me my first personal trainer when I was only 14 years old. Over the subsequent fifteen years, I would go on to have five other trainers pushing me to grow. I worked with dietitians, coaches, and supplement experts. I would workout twice a day, six days a week.

I put in the effort. I put in far more effort than I should have ever needed to attain a cover model worthy physique. But no matter what I tried, nothing would work. I just wouldn’t put on weight. Fifteen years of striving as hard as I could, and I basically had nothing to show for it. Results were in no way commensurate with my efforts.

In my later twenties, I ended up getting into acupuncture and Chinese medicine. For the first time, I had someone helping me address underlying issues—my body just doesn’t absorb food. A healthy digestion system should require 24 hours to fully break down and expel food that is ingested. At that time, my body passed whatever I ate straight through within four hours. No matter how much or how well I ate, my body couldn’t use it.

It’s the reason I stayed so thin. Why, at 6’1”...I was at 140 lbs for a long time.

Chinese medicine has made a big difference for me—I now digest better and am able to keep on weight.

But that desire for looking for results and putting my self-wroth there took me to a not so good place. When I was in my late 20’s, I experimented with SARMS for eight months—and saw for the first time what it felt like to put on muscle easily. It was awesome. But that is not how I choose to live my life. I want whatever I achieve to happen without detrimental consequences. I want to do it sustainably—not using chemicals that will hurt my heart/liver/testes.

Long story short—I have learned that self value comes from STRIVING — not results. It doesn’t matter how big I get. The joy comes from trying. If I based my worth on the external, on how I looked, I would be depressed and suicidal (been there—don’t want to go back). Instead, I find the joy in the process. In seeing a little bit of improvement every day.

I know you didn’t mean anything by it—but suggesting that the results are what would make me happy...that’s just not true. I’ve had to learn that the process, the striving is what gives me joy. Results are temporary. But what the lessons that I learn through the “doing” lasts forever.

I hope that makes sense. I’ve spent too long hating myself for not getting results even though I put in the YEARS of requisite effort.
 
I love your post and your journey is a great read. Sexuality is a spectrum after all and no one's sexuality is stagnant. It is fluid and I'm glad that you have accepted yourself. Hugs and love from me!
 
I am gay but I too have explored women n I actually would love to experience more sexual pleasures with women. Yes I know that makes me bi technology but I still don’t want a romantic relationship with a woman. It would be ideal to be with another man like you n even myself and explore women more together
 
Hey,,interesting perspective,,,but do you still have this sexual relationship with this female friend of yours?
Does your husband know about it or you both have have the sexual relationship with this female friend of yours?
Seems really interesting to know more,,thank you
 

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