A sexless, passionless, loveless marriage

My best friend has been married to an asexual man for 23 years. :eek: The first 23 years she thought she was the problem. :frown1: In the last three years they have sought counseling and he has had his testosterone, thyroid, and all sorts of things tested. All are normal. She estimates that in 23 years they have had sex maybe 10 or 11 times. I don't know how she stood it. He also has a tendency to not be able to keep a job. He was the first white man I ever met who lacked the "I have a wife and child gene I should work and take care of them." He has held one job for 3 consecutive years that is the longest he has held a job since she has known him. I would have had to leave him.

Their marriage therapist strongly recommended divorce. They both refused, not for religious reasons as he is agnostic and she was a non-practicing Catholic. They refused for financial reasons and I guess fear. They have been together since they were in their early 20's and are in a somewhat comfortable rut.:frown1::redface::mad:

So this marriage therapist who I swear is a quack and needs to be shot, told her to start dating! :wtf1: When that didn't work, because she refused. She couldn't reconcile her Catholic upbringing and the fact she is married with being told to date. The therapist signed them up for the local polyamory group. :yikes: So now she has a boyfriend whom she sees once a month for sex. Her bf is much older, married to a bi-woman, and oh yeah, he has 3 other girlfriends. :yikes: She says he makes her feel loved and cherished for the first time in her life. :eek: I have trouble with that, mainly because I doubt it seriously. Then again I also have trouble with the fact that since becoming involved in this polyamory group she has become an atheist. I think it's because in her heart she knows what she is doing is wrong for her. The only way she could justify having sex with a man other than her husband was to become an atheist.

To add insult to injury she has legal custody of her younger sisters 5 year old daughter and has since her birth. Her sister has been a heroin addict for at least 16 years. One reason she doesn't want a divorce is because she is afraid her husband would get legal custody. The other reason is that even thought he has a great paying job now; she has been the major bread-winner for the bulk of their marriage and she doesn't want to have to pay him alimony. He doesn't want to get divorced because he likes his life. He is fine living without ex. Plus she takes care of him. She cooks, cleans, pays all the bills; and when his dad died a year ago she was the one who drove an hour to south Jersey to console his mom, make the phone calls, and plan the memorial service. He'd be a fool to want to divorce her.

Comments

That last reason listed for not wanting a divorce, about the husband potentially getting custody, isn't well supported. Historically, at least as far as I know, the courts have consistently given custody to the mother. Add that the daughter is actually blood related to the wife, and that she is the "breadwinner" as you described, I highly doubt the husband would get even shared custody, much less full custody. This reason seems to be a rationalization, but what do I know?
 
Yet another small-minded, racist, judgmental rant against people who don't subscribe to your worldview...what a shock :rolleyes:

You've become so predictably one-dimensional, P. It's really sad.
 
[samsolo_26=QUOTE] That last reason listed for not wanting a divorce, about the husband potentially getting custody, isn't well supported. Historically, at least as far as I know, the courts have consistently given custody to the mother. Add that the daughter is actually blood related to the wife, and that she is the "breadwinner" as you described, I highly doubt the husband would get even shared custody, much less full custody. This reason seems to be a rationalization, but what do I know? [/quote]

You are correct, historically the mother gets custody of the child. This has changed a lot though in the last 15 years or so. There are a number of men on this site who have full custody of their children. :cool:

Okay, I should probably mention that I don't hate her husband. I have sympathy for him. I actually met him first and was friends with him before her. He's my ski buddy. So unlike most girlfriends I have a pretty good view of both sides of this situation.

He's, the better parent and she knows it. She has flown to Vancouver for the week, to see her then 29 year old lover and left him alone with the baby. He has the natural ability to provide the nurturing and emotional stability for a child which everyone assumes women have and men don't. Not every woman is cut out to be a mommy.
 
If he's a good caregiver, he is contributing to the family. Honestly, that's a good reason to stay married. Childcare is no substitute for a loving parent. My husband is a wonderful father-- the best I've ever seen. I'd be hard pressed to take my son away from him, ever.

Re: your friend's marriage: if it works for them, let them be. Sometimes couples come to non-traditional understandings. My husband and I have some (non-sexual) quirks that would be misery for some people. They work for us, so we don't question them anymore.
 
Marriages and partnerships are vital so long as the people involved are contented. Domestic happiness lasts much longer than sexual arousal, no matter how long you edge.

What works for one couldn't possibly last for another. We all have different goals out of life. Your friend seems to value her marriage on a level you don't understand, which at a certain point is no longer of your concern, nj.
 
This story is so sad and weird that I don't even know how to respond. I don't think there's anything that anyone can do for them. Life's too short and I guess she felt like she has to do what she has to do (find sex). I can't blame her for doing what she's doing.
 
Yeah, I know I'm adding to the voices that say they're right and you're wrong but I really believe that is true.

Your friend's religious feelings are not your concern - maybe this has tipped her from non-practising (agnostic?) to atheist, maybe it hasn't - that's her thing and you can't 'fix it' for her.

You don't think she should be seeking sexual and personal gratification outside of the marriage, that's none of your business. You say you don't think her feelings of being loved and cherished by her polyamourous boyfriend are real, that's your problem, not hers. Why wouldn't they be real? So he is a man who can give that attention to more than one woman and she is able to take it for what it is worth, and it seems to be worth quite a lot to her - Why do you want to belittle that? Why not be happy for her? You would not be happy in that situation - but you say yourself that you wouldn't be in that situation in the first place.

In short, it is not your place to judge these people. If this is working for them then be happy for them. Or at least STFU about it. People find their own paths and make their own mistakes. Sometimes what we think are mistakes turn out to be wonderful opportunities - sometimes what we think are perfect choices turn out to be disastrous mistakes. We don't all fit into narrow little boxes. People who spend their lives trying to live only by a predefined set of rules so often end up missing out on what life has to offer them, waiting for everything to be 'just so' - and then 'just so' never happens and what are you left with?
 
people who stay together for the kids , end up ruining the kids. no amount of alimony can be equal to your own and your kids mental health and happiness. hiding behind religion so as not to leave a "familiar rut" is a cowardly thing to do. if the man was unhappy, he would have left a long time ago so why is it the women have to hang on til the very end? she wouldn't lose her kids or adoptive children and needs to get going. sad.
 
I think that if they're happy and it works for them, then leave them be. My only concern is, I don't really think it makes them happy. Him maybe, but not her. Just leave them be. It's their life, and they're doing their best to keep their heads above water emotionally. It'll all work out for the best in the end, regardless of what that may be.
 
NJ - I meet up several times a year with an American lady who is in exactly the same boat as your friend.

I haven't managed to stop her being a Republican though.
OMG! You would dare sully that magnificent member by thrusting it in a Republican?:confused: Say it ain't so! :eek:
 
He gave up sex for money. They probably have no clue what they are missing. It's sad, but their choice. And the love and cherished part, yeah.... if you are gonna have good sex, I believe that part is essential for many people, and he does that for her.
 
If she were happy she wouldn't call me crying from the Costco twice a week. :frown1: That's why I guess it bothers me and I feel sucked into her drama. At this point, as a friend, all I feel that I can do is sit back and wait for it to fall apart as it inevitably will. Then I can be there to help her piece everything back together. :frown1:
 

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