I knew I was a sexual submissive from a very young age. When my friends and I were kids, we used to play pretend games where we would be captured as slaves, sometimes being auctioned to the highest bidder, and sometimes being kept locked away by our captors (who were always rich, good-looking, and interesting).
My young friends seemed to take it for granted that we would want to be rescued from these plights, and would try to work that into the story. I always found this a little bit disappointing -- I didn't want to be rescued. I wanted to stay a slave.
From the time I started fantasizing about sex, my fantasies had strong submissive tendencies. The idea of loving, consensual sex between a man and a woman, for some reason, just didn't really turn me on. When I started masturbating, I learned there were really only two things I could think about and get off -- the physical sensations themselves, or some kind of submissive fantasy.
Of course, from time to time I had “normal” sexual fantasies, and enjoyed them, but I did not focus on these during masturbation.
When I first became sexually active as a teenager, I was far too embarrassed about my tendencies to ever bring them up to a partner. Even when I met the man who was to become my first husband, I only hinted that I would like to be dominated. He tried to tie me up once, but then he didn't know what to do with me, and we didn't try it again.
During my fourteen-year marriage to that man, my internal awareness of my submissive orientation, and my fantasy life, became more intense and defined. I read some BDSM novels and was astounded to learn that in real life, some people truly did live in relationships as “masters” and “slaves,” and the novels I read made it all sound very workable. So I began to long in my heart for a relationship like that.
Just before my marriage finally ended, I found LPSG in the course of doing research for a novel I was writing. Here, I met ArtfulDominant (who was then called ArtfulWilly) and we gradually developed a friendship that matured into a strong sexual attraction. Then, we fell in love.
He had never read BDSM fiction, but had been looking at BDSM porn on the web, and was very turned on by the idea of women in bondage and being forced to have orgasms, etc.. He had never tried to act out his dominant feelings with a partner, but he definitely had them. And when I exposed him to some information on the master/slave lifestyle, he was willing to give it a go with me. When we moved in together in May 2007, it was as master and slave.
It took us a while to work out the details -- protocols and stuff that I wrote extensively about in my blogs, The Real HollyBlue and ConsensualSlave. I was convinced that if we could just get the lifestyle going in a way that worked for us, we would be living in the relationship of our dreams.
He was in charge of everything; I was allowed to have input in decisions but the final say was always his. He had free reign to tell me what to wear, and what to do with my time. Of course, he could order me to do anything sexual on the spot and I had to do it.
I could go on and on about how this developed over time, but the essence of it is that I began to feel stifled and confined. In theory, it sounds good to give up all control to someone else, and not have to worry about making decisions, but in reality it is just not all it is cracked up to be. I am an adult, and used to living as an adult and making my own decisions. Some of his restrictions began to grate, and I gradually began to realize that just living to please another person was not enough to give meaning and fulfillment to my life.
It was hard to let the dream go, because I had been so convinced it was the answer to most of my problems. But I learned the life lesson, once again, that a relationship, no matter how good, cannot be the source of ultimate fulfillment in a person's life. This is because the other person is human and will inevitably make mistakes or not turn out the way we expected them to be. This is not a problem, it is just the way they are, and the best course of action is just to accept them. But accepting ArtfulDominant the way he is meant letting go of the concept of him as the master of my life.
It has been about six or eight months (maybe longer?) since we dropped the master/slave protocols, and we do miss the intimacy some of our rituals provided. We haven't quite found a way to create that in our new dynamic. But I am sure we will find our way.
During the time we lived as master and slave, I wrote a lot of blog posts and things in support of that lifestyle. I so wanted it to be what I had dreamed of, and it was hard to let that go. I spent a long time not writing at all, because I didn't know what to say.
I guess all I can say now is that while the “lifestyle” may actually work for some people, it doesn't work for me, not outside of my fantasy world.
Sexually, we are still working out what belongs in our real life and what is best left to the realm of fantasy. I will probably write a separate blog post about that.
My young friends seemed to take it for granted that we would want to be rescued from these plights, and would try to work that into the story. I always found this a little bit disappointing -- I didn't want to be rescued. I wanted to stay a slave.
From the time I started fantasizing about sex, my fantasies had strong submissive tendencies. The idea of loving, consensual sex between a man and a woman, for some reason, just didn't really turn me on. When I started masturbating, I learned there were really only two things I could think about and get off -- the physical sensations themselves, or some kind of submissive fantasy.
Of course, from time to time I had “normal” sexual fantasies, and enjoyed them, but I did not focus on these during masturbation.
When I first became sexually active as a teenager, I was far too embarrassed about my tendencies to ever bring them up to a partner. Even when I met the man who was to become my first husband, I only hinted that I would like to be dominated. He tried to tie me up once, but then he didn't know what to do with me, and we didn't try it again.
During my fourteen-year marriage to that man, my internal awareness of my submissive orientation, and my fantasy life, became more intense and defined. I read some BDSM novels and was astounded to learn that in real life, some people truly did live in relationships as “masters” and “slaves,” and the novels I read made it all sound very workable. So I began to long in my heart for a relationship like that.
Just before my marriage finally ended, I found LPSG in the course of doing research for a novel I was writing. Here, I met ArtfulDominant (who was then called ArtfulWilly) and we gradually developed a friendship that matured into a strong sexual attraction. Then, we fell in love.
He had never read BDSM fiction, but had been looking at BDSM porn on the web, and was very turned on by the idea of women in bondage and being forced to have orgasms, etc.. He had never tried to act out his dominant feelings with a partner, but he definitely had them. And when I exposed him to some information on the master/slave lifestyle, he was willing to give it a go with me. When we moved in together in May 2007, it was as master and slave.
It took us a while to work out the details -- protocols and stuff that I wrote extensively about in my blogs, The Real HollyBlue and ConsensualSlave. I was convinced that if we could just get the lifestyle going in a way that worked for us, we would be living in the relationship of our dreams.
He was in charge of everything; I was allowed to have input in decisions but the final say was always his. He had free reign to tell me what to wear, and what to do with my time. Of course, he could order me to do anything sexual on the spot and I had to do it.
I could go on and on about how this developed over time, but the essence of it is that I began to feel stifled and confined. In theory, it sounds good to give up all control to someone else, and not have to worry about making decisions, but in reality it is just not all it is cracked up to be. I am an adult, and used to living as an adult and making my own decisions. Some of his restrictions began to grate, and I gradually began to realize that just living to please another person was not enough to give meaning and fulfillment to my life.
It was hard to let the dream go, because I had been so convinced it was the answer to most of my problems. But I learned the life lesson, once again, that a relationship, no matter how good, cannot be the source of ultimate fulfillment in a person's life. This is because the other person is human and will inevitably make mistakes or not turn out the way we expected them to be. This is not a problem, it is just the way they are, and the best course of action is just to accept them. But accepting ArtfulDominant the way he is meant letting go of the concept of him as the master of my life.
It has been about six or eight months (maybe longer?) since we dropped the master/slave protocols, and we do miss the intimacy some of our rituals provided. We haven't quite found a way to create that in our new dynamic. But I am sure we will find our way.
During the time we lived as master and slave, I wrote a lot of blog posts and things in support of that lifestyle. I so wanted it to be what I had dreamed of, and it was hard to let that go. I spent a long time not writing at all, because I didn't know what to say.
I guess all I can say now is that while the “lifestyle” may actually work for some people, it doesn't work for me, not outside of my fantasy world.
Sexually, we are still working out what belongs in our real life and what is best left to the realm of fantasy. I will probably write a separate blog post about that.
