A woman at work

There's this woman at work.

No, I'm not having an affair. Nor am I contemplating an affair.

However, we have developed an intimacy that seems entirely work-related. It's weird and hard for me to understand sometimes.

She started working for us about a year and a half ago. Several years earlier, she had worked for a much larger, more prestigious 'division' of our organization. I did not know her then, although I frequently saw her at large meetings. When I met her at the new job, I recognized her. When I had seen her in the previous years, I didn't think I liked her. She was noticeable, physically speaking, and seemed to have an attitude. She worked for organization's VIPs, and there was a smidgen of arrogance in her ways. "She's stuck-up," I told myself every time I saw her.

However, we got to know each other and occasionally worked together. I found her to be pleasant company. Shortly after she started working for us, she asked if I knew a girl friend of hers, someone I had known years earlier. I guiltily stroked my ego--I must have made a good impression if they're talking about me favorably like that.

Her family background is similar to mine, she is married with three children, as am I. We have a lot in common. We're nearly the same age--although she just had a birthday and was pleased to learn that I'm a year older.

About a year ago, I was promoted to be the 'boss' of our division. She was at the same time promoted to fill the position I had held. We began working together closely on an almost daily basis. The relationship was rocky to start with. She seemed to retain some of the arrogance, and regarded our group as a backwater, an outpost. She had a tendency to be a snit. I told her point blank that I needed her to be on my team. At times I grew so frustrated with her that an inner voice would say, "Just fire her! Make her go away! You have the power to do that!" The voice scared me, because that's not the person I am at all.

She became more of a team player. She began to believe both in our division and, I think, in my nascent leadership abilities. She continued to be critical on occasion, but learned to be constructive.

She is good counsel. I rely on her advice quite a bit. In return, I do my best to support her in her regular, day-to-day functions.

Sometimes I get confused by her. Last summer, she had one of her daughters with her at work for part of the morning. She invited me to join them for breakfast, which is not the kind of thing I would normally have expected from a coworker. It was at once relaxed and natural, and yet I felt conspicuous, as if we were a family, or playing at family.

And sometimes we'll wander to Starbucks where we have quiet, supportive discussions about work, office politics, etc. They're intimate conversations, frankly. The time it happened a couple weeks ago, when it was time to go back to the office we left the table almost like we had been on a first date and were tentatively agreeing to see each other again, as if we were setting up the second date.

Yesterday we were once again sitting at a Starbucks table, discussing good news (for once) and several times she reached out and touched my arm, which is something she's never done before.

There's a fitness center here at work, and we run into each other there once in a while. She invited me to go with her on Monday. That was a first.

This morning we were talking about dealing with sick children, and she told a story about it, and added with frustration, "Of course, (husband) was completely unavailable at the time."

We were at a meeting on Tuesday, and she started to tease me a little with an inside joke, and we had to explain what it was about.

She's started to point out attractive women to me. "Her outfit was really cute. Did you notice? Her boots went with her dress perfectly."
"Uh, no, not really. I didn't pay attention."
"There she is again. She's cute, isn't she?"

Or "You don't know Mary from the Mail Room? I gotta tell you, she's a hottie. I'll have to introduce you."

What's she look like? She is slender in a "mom" sort of way. Not in great shape, but healthy. Long, wavy, dark hair. Very blue eyes. Fair skin. Generally speaking, an overall look I would go for, but I never really thought of her that way. Until over the past few months, when sometimes she's striking.

Now here's complicated part. I've never, in my whole life, felt an emotionally intimate connection though sex. I guess you could say, despite 15+ years of marriage, I'm not sure I've ever Made Love. I love sex. I love my wife. But never surmounted the level to intimacy. For the first time in my life, I'm getting a sense that a guy might want to have sex with someone based on psychological intimacy alone. If she and I were single, I don't think I'd want to have sex with her because she's physically attractive (I honestly DON'T find her sexy) but because ...maybe I want to experience the emotional connection? Sex for intimacy not physical pleasure? Sex that is a union, not based on orgasm?

Whereas, with my wife--it's as if SHE'S the 'mistress,' the fun sex on the side. And I realized that she's always been that person to me. She was, quite naturally, that woman when she was single before we started dating, she was (with all due respect--this is my wife I'm talking about after all) a "sure thing." She's queen of the quickie. She's a quick b.j. at a house party. She's a fun romp on a Sunday afternoon. I love her with all my life, but when I'm with her, it's fun sex and I almost feel like I'm cheating on the woman from work. :eek:

It's so confusing sometimes. But good to get it off my chest.

Comments

Careful, careful! In my opinion, emotional intimacy with someone other than the wife (i.e. me) is far worse than any physical indiscretion. Sex washes off, for the most part, while emotions dig deep roots.

Still, this is quite a learning experience for you. If it's something you've never had with a woman before, then a whole new world could be opening up to you. A really good relationship has all the elements you describe - fun sex, day to day stuff AND emotional intimacy. Obviously something inside you is changing and you should examine it.

Just be really careful.
 
This situation sounds like it has to potential to turn real messy in a soap opera-kind of way. I'd advise against getting too comfortable and to tread lightly. Like LaFemme says: be really careful.

Perhaps this co-worker has some issues at home with the husband, or has a similar confusion regarding her marriage as you have? Regardless, watch yourself, man.
 
Do you think you are in love with this woman? It certainly sounds like it.

What I am going to write here counts in no way as an advice to what you should do, I'm just sharing a story I know, and I hope it helps you.

It really reminds me of the situation my father was in about 8 years ago. He met a woman through work and it clicked on a personal level, and emotional level. Being the honest, naïve, good hearted man my father is, he introduced her to our family, invited her over for dinner etc... Of course this was very very rough for my mother. Honestly I liked this woman at first, until I caught on and knew what was going on, of course.

In hindsight I know that my parents never were a good fit, I think even that they might have been unhappy for a good amount of years. My father always stayed honest with my mother, which actually made it more difficult for her. Hearing about her, also when he first cheated on her, he confessed right away. (Later I found out that my mother had already cheated on my father a few years earlier.)

Now they are divorced for 7 or 8 years. My mother is very happily married. And my father lives together with this woman, also very happy. Their new relationships have helped them grow as people. They certainly have become "better people". To be honest, I'm glad they aren't together any more.

But there was a very dark time, for them and for my sisters, me and my brother. Right after they divorced, up until maybe 6 months ago. They fought each other really hard in court. They even fought dirty, as if their (almost?) 20 years of marriage counted for nothing. And it is impossible to not involve your children in this kind of fight.

I am sure that the way it is now, is better than when they were married. But was it worth it? I don't know yet, only time will tell...
 
Thank you for the comments.
LaFemme--oh my goodness, yes. Careful, cautious, cognizant, clearheaded...It sounds obvious, but to tell you the truth when you're in the midst of it it's not. In other situations, where had been an attractive woman involved, it was always easy: Keep your hands to yourself and look the other way.

Zorgolio--I don't quite get her relationship with her husband. I have no reason to doubt that it's long term solid, but every so often she takes a jab at him.

VerpaIngens--I'm sorry you had to go through it. It's something I'm not going to put my kids through, regardless of how things are going in my own personal life. Do I love this woman? No. No I don't.

But for the first time I'm going to have to Be Careful.
 
Somewhere along the way in this relationship, you are going to have to draw a line in the sand and say.... "this part of me is sacred to my wife and family... you cannot enter." It will be up to you to make that distinction.

I once worked for a man who was very similar to you. Your story started off very familiar. There were times our strong personalities and opinions created tension. But out of it grew a deep respect for each other and a dependency that we knew we could work together to build the company. I was never attracted to him in any sexual way. I do not know if he was ever attracted to me or not (I never considered it and knew that was totally inappropriate. I do not flatter myself to think that because a man smiles at me it means anything.) I do know that several times he told me that "hiring you was one of the best decisions I ever made." That was a boost to my ego, yes... it made me work that much harder. I was a professional. Being a professional means, to me, that there is certain conduct that is not acceptable in the workplace.

(The invitation to breakfast, IMO, should have been graciuosly declined. When she mentions other ladies in the workplace that are "hot", you should tell her that is inappropriate conversation. Jabs at her husband should be met with "I'm sorry to hear about your problems at home, but really, we need to discuss *this* right now. It appears that you have let her invade your personal space at work. This is the DANGER ZONE. This is the line in the sand that I made reference to earlier.)

My supervisor and I worked very close together on confidential information that only the two of us were privy to in the business. That in itself will create emotional ties to co-workers. We ended up being extremely good friends. And, yes, at times when we would talk about something, I might touch his elbow or pat his shoulder. (I am a touchy-feely kind of person. Just because a person touches your hand, arm, elbow does not mean they want to have sex with you.) We no longer work together, but because we built a good strong working "friendly, but professional" relationship, we have been able to maintan a lasting friendship beyond the work.

I hope you can control the direction of this relationship. It sounds like it is on the fast track. If you don't put some brakes on soon, you may lose control.
 
Betty_Cocker;bt111214 said:
I hope you can control the direction of this relationship. It sounds like it is on the fast track. If you don't put some brakes on soon, you may lose control.

Thanks. I'm trying to figure out if it's just a flimsy attraction that's taking a long time to pass.
 
Dude just found your blog but your headed for an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR which will lead to sexual as you alreadybstated your wanting to experience for the mental part of it. STOP IT TRANSFER HER AWAY FROM YOUR DIVISION BEFORE YOU LOOSE EVERYTHING YOU HAVE WORKED FOR. WIFE AND KIDS HOUSE CAR DOG CAT $$$$ EVERYTHING
 
Just came back to your very first blog about Marjorie. I'm guessing you can admit to yourself that this is definitively not a "flimsy attraction" but a real case of "emotional investment" bordering on an emotional affair. (Which doesn't have to include sex. ..or even thoughts of sex. But I'm guessing you've been there and had those thoughts. )
 

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