About a Boy (cont)

Similar things happened to Tom over the next six years - constant haphazard placements with strangers and consistent sexual abuse. One other attempt at anal penetration was made when Tom was around fourteen. It failed but Tom developed his own method for deterring future attempts. He would force himself not to have bowel motions, holding on until there would generally be a hard mass of faeces in his rectum. Only many years later did Tom finally give his bowels permission to act normally. The interference continued, with innumerable faceless men forcing their attentions upon the boy. Gordon and Bill were not unaware of these activities. They actively encouraged them and Bill sometimes participated too.

Please do not judge this boy harshly. Don't ask why he didn't resist. Don't ask why he didn't tell someone or seek help. You see, Tom loved his father with all his heart. He was the only constant Tom had in a horrendously nightmarish world. Tom's natural instinct was to please Gordon in any way he could. That was his conditioning. His very existence seemed to depend upon pleasing people, especially his father. And, when he failed to please, he paid a very high price and would be obliged to attend school with bruises, cracked ribs and welts that clothing could not always hide. Tom, out of loyalty and a constant need to avoid incurring his father's wrath, helped other people - teachers, school-friends and the mothers of school-friends - to believe a myth; that Tom was a clumsy kid who fell out of trees or crashed his bike regularly.

This was an era in which people mostly minded their own business. Even had Tom wanted to tell someone - a teacher for example - about his home life, he did not have the words to describe what was happening to him and he even came to assume that other boys probably endured the same things at their parents' hands. Either that or he doubted anyone would believe him anyway. He was always well-dressed. He got to travel a lot. He got to attend expensive schools and see plenty of live theatre and opera. No expense was spared on these expensive trappings. The word paedophile had yet to enter the vocabulary of the general populace.

Had anyone ever asked Tom if he was happy - and no-one did - he would have said "Yes". And in a way he was. He loved school and, even though he attended a great many different schools in different towns, different states and different countries, he performed at an exceptional level academically. He also excelled at athletics, singing, reading and writing. You see, school was the one place where Tom felt free to enjoy life and he attended classes, ran in races and sang in the choir with genuine joy in the experience. And his thirst for knowledge was insatiable. So insatiable that it was inevitable that he would one day realise that his home life was not normal and that there were words to describe his father's sexual orientation and terms to describe what was still happening to him.

By the time he was sixteen, Tom's father was dying of emphysema and Bill had become so neurotic and impaired that his wrath was no longer a fearful thing. On what he believed to be his deathbed, Gordon told Tom that he did have a mother - that he had always had a mother and that she lived in England with his two half-siblings. As a nice additional touch, he also told Tom that his mother was a slut. Add these revelations to everything else in his life and it is unsurprising that Tom was filled with anger and grief.

Gordon survived for another five years. Because he loved him, Tom maintained a fragile connection to his father. Money was no problem and Tom had a place of his own during his final year of High School. Attempts to contact his mother and siblings ultimately came to nought. She wrote saying she couldn't even bear to think about her life with Gordon and that she saw no point in disturbing the status quo. In her defence, Tom made no attempt to tell her what a hell his childhood had been. He was willing to leave her believing he'd been well-cared for by his father.

At age twenty-one, Tom closed a door in his mind to all that had gone before. His father was dead. A financial settlement was made with the bereaved partner - poor, sad Uncle Bill. Tom was alone in the world. He travelled for a while and actually had some adventures and some fun. It was inevitable that he would struggle for a time to determine his own sexuality, but he went on to complete his university studies, marry and have a family. He has never undergone any therapy focused on his childhood. He chose never to speak of it and told his wife only that his early life had been loveless and unhappy. He fought all the demons in his mind alone. I would not recommend such self-help for anyone else, but it worked for Tom.

How do know so much about this guy? Well, I know it all because I am Tom. The early life I've described here was mine. One thing I always yearned for was to be hugged or cuddled. It never happened as a child so I grew up determined to be the best father and the most compassionate man I could possibly be. I know how to be a Dad because I know exactly what I longed for as a child - security, love, laughter, self-worth and nurture. I don't know whether I made the grade fully as a husband. I think so. I hope so. But, in that regard, I had no prior example of motherhood or wifelinesss to learn from. I've just done the best I could and I have known moments of great happiness in my life. No-one can ask for more than that.

Comments

<<<QUOTE: One thing I always yearned for was to be hugged or cuddled. It never happened as a child so I grew up determined to be the best father and the most compassionate man I could possibly be. I know how to be a Dad because I know exactly what I longed for as a child - security, love, laughter, self-worth and nurture. I don't know whether I made the grade fully as a husband.>>>

Ian my husband is also determined to be the best father.

I personally know just from what I have read from any of you posts on LPSG that you achieved both being a wonderful Husband and a remarkable Dad. I believe it takes nothing to be a father that's just plain passing on DNA. But to be a Dad it takes a truly compassionate and caring person who loves his children more then he loves himself. A Dad 24/7 helps his children achieve more everyday in their lives. Dads also let their children know every day when they go to bed that they are LOVED.

You not only loved your children's Mom and took care of her before she passed on from a terrible illness, but you made sure they survived her passing and flourished into becoming confident caring adults. Even your two youngest seem to be more mature then most adults I know today.

I am so sorry your childhood was full of abuse, no one should have to experience anything of that nature ever for any reason. To have survived without any type of help is just mind blowing. You were a great Husband, you are and always will be a great Dad and Grandfather.

I hope you now have family, co-workers, close friends that let you know how great you are every single day!
................................ Ian you are Fantastic!
 
What a lovely, yet sad story. It's sad to know that there are such mean, selfish, and abusive adults in the world that would do such things to children that my mind can't even comprehend it.

Bravo for writing this. I'm sure it is a large weight off your shoulders just to be able to put this in writing.
 
It seems to be the season for delving deep. You have done it-- you have become a good man and a father with happy and well-loved children. Happy Father's Day.
 
The anger I felt as I read this narrative was suddenly swamped in a sense of shock and awe and sorrow and joy. I am overcome with amazement. Amazement and gladness to learn what Tom survived, how Tom survived, and that he avoided the massive damage that might be expected from the circumstances of his youth.

Bravo, Comically. Bravo. I can say no more that that I am awed and humbled by your story, and by your selfless telling of it. You have an inner strength and maturity that have shown through all your writing here. To find this history is the basis of your strength is to have cause to believe that adversity breeds character.

Bravo, Comically. Bravo. You have not only survived, but you have extended the strength you have gained to your children who benefit daily from having you as a parent, as a father, and a the role model of a true man. Will they ever understand the basis of their good fortune?

Thank you, sincerely, for being open, for sharing your life with us. Thank you.
 
holy christ.

i am thrilled you were graced with the ability to provide for your children what you clearly were not. god bless you (and i think he has) for taking what was intended to be destructive to you and turning that into what could be and in fact is, POSITIVE for your children!

IMO - you are blessed to have the mother of your children, to trust her, to have her trust and believe in you.

i wish my reply could be better worded and better put, save the sexual abuse, your story is mine. long ago i realized and decided what i lacked in a father i would be ten fold and then some. sadly i have not yet found the woman that will be entirely herself at rest with me as i would be with her.

THANK YOU for sharing story. you are an encouragement to all who have been in such circumstance.

it is a happy thought to imagine you hugging and kissing your children and smiling and encouraging them and knowing they may come to you for a hug or to ask about something or just speak what happened about their day.

your children are truly fortunate indeed.
and if i may say so - you are also. IMO -
despite the horrors you endured, you are
given a double measure of stength to have
come out the other side to be an advocate,
to be for justice and truth.
 

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