When I was younger, I used to love celebrating the new year... but the past few years, I seem to be more anxious than excited about it. Almost nervous, in a way... and I'm not sure why. I'm going to be 26 in a few months. I don't feel like I'm that old. I feel like I'm about 5 years younger than that. In all honesty, it seems like lately, the new year is just a sign that time keeps going by, and I keep getting older. I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I'm 25 years old and I have a 6 year old son that's in the first grade. I love my son to death, and everyday I look forward to seeing his face and watching him learn and everything else that goes along with being a mom... but at the same time, I was nowhere near ready to have a child when I did. I had been out of high school for five months when I got pregnant. I had just started the fun, partying, no holds barred part of my life and then it came to an abrupt stop. I feel like that part of my life is unfinished. I missed being a young twenty-something with a shitty little apartment in party district of the city, working a job that paid just enough to make rent every month, and having that freedom. I completely fucking missed it. I want my chance so bad now. I don't know what's happened with me in the past year or two, but I've been REALLY wishing that I could've experienced that part of my life. Now I'm going to have to wait a LONG time to get that, and when I do, it won't be the same. I feel like it's not fair. What did I do to deserve this? My sons father isn't around, and he owes me around $15,000 in back child support. He hasn't given me or Skyler a single dime. I can't provide for my son the way he deserves. By the time I graduate college and get a job, he'll be at least 10 years old... maybe I'll be able to get an apartment at that time, if nothing else. When I got pregnant, I wanted so badly for his life to be normal. I wanted him to go to school with the same kids his whole life. I wanted him to live in a house with a fenced in back yard so he could have a dog. I just wanted him to have what I never had. I still haven't been able to give him that, and I feel like a failure as a mother. I've been selfish lately. I go out every chance I get, even though I know that my dad is probably tired of babysitting. It's almost like I don't care that much about other people right now. I want to go out. I want to sleep in. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I'm tired of having someone else to take care of. I'm tired of having someone to answer to. I'm tired of my life. I feel like a bad mom for even thinking these thoughts. As I type this, I look at my sons school picture sitting in a nice little frame on the table next to my bed... his bright blue eyes, his sweet innocent smile, his cute little cheeks... and I think... how could I ever put myself before him? How could I ever even have a passing thought that maybe my life would be better if he weren't in it? Shouldn't I be grateful to have such an amazing little person in my life? Shouldn't I love being a mother all the time? I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in a rut. I know I'm suffering from depression. I know that I'm not okay. I know that I need help. Someone posted a link on one of my blogs about mental healthcare options in Kansas City... I should probably check that out. I just needed to get all of this off my chest. I said a lot more than I had intended on saying... and I cried hysterically through all of it. :frown1:
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.