Anxiety about the new year.

When I was younger, I used to love celebrating the new year... but the past few years, I seem to be more anxious than excited about it. Almost nervous, in a way... and I'm not sure why. I'm going to be 26 in a few months. I don't feel like I'm that old. I feel like I'm about 5 years younger than that. In all honesty, it seems like lately, the new year is just a sign that time keeps going by, and I keep getting older. I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I'm 25 years old and I have a 6 year old son that's in the first grade. I love my son to death, and everyday I look forward to seeing his face and watching him learn and everything else that goes along with being a mom... but at the same time, I was nowhere near ready to have a child when I did. I had been out of high school for five months when I got pregnant. I had just started the fun, partying, no holds barred part of my life and then it came to an abrupt stop. I feel like that part of my life is unfinished. I missed being a young twenty-something with a shitty little apartment in party district of the city, working a job that paid just enough to make rent every month, and having that freedom. I completely fucking missed it. I want my chance so bad now. I don't know what's happened with me in the past year or two, but I've been REALLY wishing that I could've experienced that part of my life. Now I'm going to have to wait a LONG time to get that, and when I do, it won't be the same. I feel like it's not fair. What did I do to deserve this? My sons father isn't around, and he owes me around $15,000 in back child support. He hasn't given me or Skyler a single dime. I can't provide for my son the way he deserves. By the time I graduate college and get a job, he'll be at least 10 years old... maybe I'll be able to get an apartment at that time, if nothing else. When I got pregnant, I wanted so badly for his life to be normal. I wanted him to go to school with the same kids his whole life. I wanted him to live in a house with a fenced in back yard so he could have a dog. I just wanted him to have what I never had. I still haven't been able to give him that, and I feel like a failure as a mother. I've been selfish lately. I go out every chance I get, even though I know that my dad is probably tired of babysitting. It's almost like I don't care that much about other people right now. I want to go out. I want to sleep in. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I'm tired of having someone else to take care of. I'm tired of having someone to answer to. I'm tired of my life. I feel like a bad mom for even thinking these thoughts. As I type this, I look at my sons school picture sitting in a nice little frame on the table next to my bed... his bright blue eyes, his sweet innocent smile, his cute little cheeks... and I think... how could I ever put myself before him? How could I ever even have a passing thought that maybe my life would be better if he weren't in it? Shouldn't I be grateful to have such an amazing little person in my life? Shouldn't I love being a mother all the time? I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in a rut. I know I'm suffering from depression. I know that I'm not okay. I know that I need help. Someone posted a link on one of my blogs about mental healthcare options in Kansas City... I should probably check that out. I just needed to get all of this off my chest. I said a lot more than I had intended on saying... and I cried hysterically through all of it. :frown1:

Happy New Year.

Comments

I know how you feel, Meg. I feel much the same way. I've let my life go by too. I've worked it away. Now I just want what I can get out of the rest of it for ME. I also don't feel that I care much about others anymore. That bothers me, and causes a conflict. Sometimes I contemplate saying to hell with it all, and moving far away to start over. I have just felt sad, cold small, and lonely this evening. I have been sitting here crying too. Another year is gone, and I fear the new one will only be worse. They all seem to get worse. The older I get the worse everything gets. I hate being a 46 year old loser.

You've got most of your life ahead of you, Meg. It'll get better. I'm sure you're being a good mother to your son. You've got a lot on you, I can see why you need to take time for yourself. Don't feel guilty for that. You can drive yourself insane with guilt, and by doing too much. That's what I've done, I've burned myself out. You have time to straighten things out. I'm not sure I do...

Happy New Year, Meg!!!:smile:
 
First and foremost, you are NOT a bad mother - everything you say about your son tells me you are a brilliant mother doing the best you can - it's your situation that is difficult. The feelings of wanting to do your own thing mean just one thing - you are a human being, with wants and needs. Don't beat yourself up, Meg. You did the right thing by your son, you're doing the right thing by yourself and him by being in college now - your life WILL improve - because you're clever and bright and beautiful and you will make it happen. Certainly, get some help on the depression - it's a good idea, my only suggestion on that is that talking and finding new ways to see your situation and yourself will do a million times more for you than meds, if someone suggests meds straight away look elsewhere first. And I agree with Viking's sentiment there - taking time for yourself is not selfish - it is neccessary. Feeling guilty about is counterproductive.

Be happy Meg - you're going in the right direction.
 
Megs, though I never tell you, I cry over you lots of times. I cry that our "perfect system" has left you destitute and disenfranchised that pisses me off to no end. May Matt Blunt choke on his New Years dinner.

You are NOT a bad mother. Wealth does not matter in motherhood. I see the spoiled wealthy wives in my area, racing around in their Lexus', doing charity work, lunching at the country club, spending the day at Gene Juarez and where are their kids? If they aren't in boarding school, they are with a nanny 24 - 7. These are impoverished mothers.

Now you don't have anything to your name at this point, but you are richer than you know. Why? You have a child who will be able to look back on his life and say "We didn't have a lot when I was a child, but I had my mother and her love."

Don't EVER sell yourself short babe. You are doing the best you can and you are surviving. I know this sounds cliche, but times will get better. You are bettering yourself so you can get a real career and support you both. Just remember that the next time your little guy hugs you and says I love you mom. You are more successful than you know Megs and I love you with all my heart.
 
Meg,
You tell your story beautifully, sweetheart. I can feel your pain all the way over here. I think almost everyone could identify with your situation, whether they have gone through it or not. In fact, I find your story both poignant and heroic.

At your age, with your sudden responsibilities, and with the undeserved bad breaks from your son's father, you manage to be articulate, mature, and very determined to figure life out for you and your son. You have nothing but my complete admiration and respect.

I do want to affirm your feelings. As you read the rest of this, keep in mind that most all of our readers are agreeing that what you are describing does really suck at one level or another. Who in your situation would not feel the same thing? Your desire for that carefree, and self-absorbed life of the unencumbered twenty something is perfectly understandable. Its that magic moment in life where you are finally independent of your parents, you are resourceful enough to get by from day to day, but you are still yet unencumbered by responsibility, debt, and worrying about all your "stuff". Peoples' expectations on your in the short term are low and you are free to define your own "society".

There is something romantic about that first apartment with the broken down furniture and the kitchen faucet that leaks, and the bookshelf built from cinder blocks and boards. Then there is the ritual of sharing the apartment with the other self-absorbed roommate with whom you are constantly fighting (as if two self-absorbed people could possibly get along living in the same place). Then there is the menial job where you take a lot of crap but it does get you by, and you work all week waiting for the weekend where all the fruits of your labor and independence might pay off in a few days of fun.

I completely understand that and I will also say that there is no reason why you don't deserve that kind of life for a little while. But given all the understanding, I would like to say that there is nothing essentially important about that particular kind of twenty something life. It is a relatively new phenomenon, and one that is the result of a lot of affluence, a sense of entitlement, and a kind of parental overprotectiveness that is out of control. It is basically a prolonged adolescence when it is in its extreme.

I am not saying that it is any more irresponsible or pointless, or immoral than any other lifestyles for twentysomethings. All I am saying is that it is not essential and it is not even necessarily useful for your own character development. Before WWII, there really was no kind of youth culture, or young adult culture that was distinct from adult culture, except for those who could afford to go to college. Another thing to remember is that before WWII, most people at twenty were already working hard and raising a family.

Again, no value judgement implied, I am just pointing out that your situation is not unusual or unnatural except in the light of 21st century expectations in an age of abundance (for some, anyway).
All I am doing is pointing out that the carefree time is not some timeless rite of passage that one must go through for character refinement.

So as you embark on your life of what seems to be premature responsibility, you can lament what you are missing, but recommend that you don't give it much more value than the lamenting of missing your senior prom.

So given all that, all of these desires of yours for that carefree twentysomething life is not because you are a slacker, a bad mom, or an irresponsible person. It is because modern culture is broadcasting directly at you a strong and clear message about a particular kind of ideal that is not really important. The message is complete and overwhelming and it is saying that if you are not already out there having fun and participating in the bounty of this materialistic culture, you are already a failure.

This message overwhelms everything else, and it is very difficult to not succumb to it and lose the sense that there are hundreds of different lifestyles, modes of parenting, criteria for success, nontypical family structures, etc. that are equally valid and successful if not more so than the one that is reflected back to us by modern American society.

Your other concern is that your desire for carefree independence is totally at odds with your love for your child and your desire to be a good mother. The fact that you have conflicting desires is not some kind of indictment on your character. The part of you that is still a child just wants to have some fun before the hard work begins, and the part of you that is a responsible adult wants only the best for your own child and to be a really good mother. That you have these contradictory desires is just a product of the fact that life is complex.

So in summary, what I am trying to say is that all your feelings are understandable, and it is true that the carefree twentysomething lifestyle is great fun, but it really doesn't have any more value (and probably less value) than other ways one chooses or is forced to live during that part of life.


I apologize for the "lecture" quality of my response. Unfortunately, it is my writing style. If you and I were having a cup of coffee over this topic, I would be letting you do all the talking (believe it or not.)
 
Thanks for your support guys. I think I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not a horrible mom... I just feel like I could be so much more to him.

Viking - I hope you get better someday. I worry about you. You've spent so many years being down on yourself, that it's basically just become who you are. I'm not saying that you aren't beyond help, but it's going to take a lot. You're worth every bit of it, though.

ManlyBanisters - Don't worry, I have no intention of taking meds!! I know I can do this on my own.

Osiris - I love you too, sweetheart... and please don't cry over me. I'll be okay. It'll take time, but I'll be okay. Thank you for your support.

JustAsking - Thank you for taking the time to make such a long and well thought out post! I feel good just know that you took the time to do that for me. I know that I didn't miss out on anything superbly important... But I have never had a time in my life where I didn't have someone else to answer to, and that is what I miss more than anything.
 
And who would have thought that such a sophisticated, intense, thoughtful, supportive and intelligent dialogue could be found on a site dedicated to large penises...
 
Meg...

I read your entry yesterday but refrained from responding to it immediately because I needed to give it some thought, now I've returned and found that quite a bit of what I was planning to say has already been said, which is wonderful, so please bear with me if I end up saying things that have already been said.

I can relate with what you have said and how you are feeling right now. I grew up in an impoverished home and I know how I've always promised myself that my child(ren) would have I better life than I did. Since the wifey had a miscarriage, we haven't been afforded the privilege of having children so much of what I have to share with you has little to do with what you should be doing etc. (after all, what do I know about raising children?) and everything to do with what I have experienced and seen around me.

Meg, the story of my childhood is an old story so I am loathe to talk about it again, but there are a few valid points that need raising. We were poor, as in P-O-O-R. Mom had six kids to raise on her own with no child support (or state benefits)...and she had little work experience because at that time most woman were "barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen"...argh. My father rejected me and my Mom beat me up. I grew up without any sense of love and belonging. Let me tell you that when you grow up without the things that you need, you quickly learn just how important they are.
A sense of being loved and belonging is what Skyler needs above all else, I can assure you of that. Sure, it would have been nice if there was a bit of money for the latest toys or having a pair of soccer boots during the time when I wanted to play soccer at school, and it got to me back then. However, looking back, all of that was secondary. Not having those things didn't kill me, but not feeling as if I was loved and valued certainly did, at least on an emotional level.

Last year's journey and most especially Mom's failing health coupled with the passing of my father was a time of deep reflection for me. Looking back, I am able to identify that even though I didn't feel loved, I have no doubt in my mind that Mom most definitely did love me. After all, she did not abandon me, I was not put up for adoption and above all else, she worked her fingers literally to the point of bleeding in order to provide a roof over my head and have food on the table when I needed to eat. Actions always speak louder than words...and love is not a commodity to be bought. The biggest lesson that I learnt from her (and I hope that you will be able to draw upon it) is the fact that regardless of how broke she was and how our clothes fell apart or how her friends gave us hand me downs and left over food, she held her head up high, looked people in the eye and held onto her sense of pride...in the sense of not allowing our circumstances to infringe upon her identity.

She was able to identify that she may not have gotten everything right, but she WAS DOING HER BEST and refused to allow anyone to tell her otherwise. Her being able to tell people who tried to throw their wealth in her face that "we may not have much, but look at what we have accomplished" enabled us to be able to look back at our journey with pride and talk about our poverty without a sense of shame.

I look at my siblings who haven't dealt with those demons. They put material belongings, wealth and comfortable living above all else. Their children do not have parents because they are always at the office, so they need to rely on au pairs to find a sense of love. They each have their own PC's with internet access, Playstation, televisions & DVD players...and the list continues, but they truly have nothing...and to make it worse, they are deeply aware of it. Given the option of all of these gadgets or spending time with little old me, well, they literally beg to spend time with us...and all that they have is a simple meal, a game of monopoly and an abundance of hugs with the reminder that they are my princesses and I love them to distraction. Their parents are rotters and I am the first to admit it!

On the other end of the coin, I have a friend who found herself in a similar situation to yours...she fell pregnant fairly soon after leaving school, her boyfriend disappeared into thin air and she was faced with the task of raising a child on her own without having the wisdom and experience of a mother to draw upon. Needless to say that she hasn't had much to offer her son financially. She may have been short in money, but she has been long in love, and it has paid off in SPADES.

Her son is now eleven and he has done nothing but blow me away throughout his childhood. He'd ask to look around in the toystore and I'd cringe at the thought of what would happen when he found a toy that he wanted, yet his reaction would always be the same: "Mom, I know that we don't have money, but when we do, won't you please buy this for me?" and then we'd leave. He loves her to bits, he works hard at school "so that one day he can take care of her" and he is an absolute delight to be around. She hasn't found a guy willing to accept her with a child, but she is content with the life that she is living and the way that her life is filled with her love for her son and his love for her. Where she had initially considered having an abortion, she now professes that he is the best thing that ever happened to her. Where she wasn't able to go out to nightclubs etc, she now has the freedom to do so. She's been able to work herself up to living comfortably. Above all else, she has a life and a home filled with a super abundance of love. Though there hasn't been money, her child his thriving and above all else, he is happy. There are few people in my life that I am able to respect as much as her because though her life went so terribly wrong, she got everything so incredibly right.

While you are able to offer Skyler your love, security and give him a sense of belonging, you are everything but a bad mother. In fact, you are the complete opposite of that! Just because you may not have the money or you may long to have a life and possibly even wish that you hadn't fallen pregnant, you are not being a bad mother, you are just being a woman feeling the same thing as so many other women who have found themselves in your position. So hold your head high and be proud of who you are and what you are striving to achieve, for in it, Skyler will grow to look at you with respect and pride in the same way as I am able to look toward a mother who once abused me.

Love ya my sweety pie!
 

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