At this point in my life
I've done so many things wrong
I don't know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me
I hope I won't let you down
If you give me a chance I'll try
It's all I've ever been able to offer. But sometimes I wonder if I lived up to my end of the deal. I want it so badly, but at the same time, I'm absolutely petrified of it. I always pick "flight" instead of "fight". That's not fair.
You see it's been a hard road
The road I'm traveling on
And if I take your hand
I might lead you down the path to ruin
I've had a hard life
I'm just saying it so you'll understand
That right now, right now
I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life
Nothing has ever come easy for me. I feel like I've had to fight for everything I have. Fight for my individuality, fight for my sanity, fight for my self-respect. I wish I hadn't been too young to fight for my innocence, otherwise I would have done that too. I always say that if it hadn't been for my mother, I'd be dead right now. It's still the truth today.
At this point in my life
Although I've mostly walked in the shadows
I'm still searching for the light
Won't you put your faith in me
We both know that's what matters
If you give me a chance I'll try
I feel like I've been flopping around my whole life, like a fish out of water... everytime I think I've found my place I learn that it isn't my place at all. The optimist in me keeps me going, but sometimes I don't know why. So many others would have given up by now. Who knows, maybe I have.
You see I've been climbing stairs
But mostly stumbling down
I've been reaching high
But always losing ground
You see I've conquered hills
But I still have mountains to climb
And right now right now
I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life
"God won't give you anything you can't handle." It's times like this where I have to remind myself of that. So many mountains in my way. But yes, I'm doing the best I can. I hope.
Before we take a step
Before we walk down that path
Before I make any promises
Before you have regrets
Before we talk commitment
Let me tell you of my past
All I've seen and all I've done
The things I'd like to forget
At this point in my life
I'd seen more in the first 15 years of my life than most people have seen by the time they're forty years of age. At least, that's what I've been told. When I was a kid, it made me feel important. Wise beyond my years. Like I was special in some way. I've learned to accept the fact that everything in life happens for a reason, but sometimes I can't help but wonder now what the fuck those reasons could possibly be in my life. I try not to harbor regret for events that were out of my control. Or even ones that were in my control, I suppose. I attempt not to dwell on the past. I try to move on and choose differently next time. But I've never learned coping skills. So "moving on" actually means "bottling up"... which means I'm not really moving on at all. I need to fix that.
At this point in my life
I'd like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it
I have these moments... the ones where my son and I are snuggled up in my bed having little conversations about life and friends and I realize how much I absolutely adore this little tiny person that's been put into my care... and for a fleeting moment, I think that love is all that matters. That is what's important. That's all I need. I'm not sure if that's true or not, but I know that I'm severely lacking in something. I think it's love, but of a different kind.
You see when I've touched the sky
The earth's gravity has pulled me down
But now I've reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine
If you can give it a try
Then I'll reach inside and find and give you
All the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life
At this point in my life
I try. I really do. I try to be kind and loving and open-minded and receptive and honest and caring and sympathetic. I try to be a good person. But sometimes I feel like I fail miserably. But when I fail, it's only to the ones closest to me. When someone asks me why I'm single, I always debate on how much truth I should give them. I normally just say, "It's by choice, I don't want to be in a relationship right now." But I'm not sure if that's technically the truth or not. More than anything, I think it's because I really don't NEED to be in a relationship right now, no matter how severely badly I want and desire one. I hurt so bad inside. I don't even know where to begin the healing process. I don't feel like I should put anyone through that.
I think I'm falling in love with someone. It scares the shit out of me. My "flight" instinct is trying to kick in. I should probably give in, I think it's for the best.
(Song: At This Point in my Life by Tracy Chapman)
I've done so many things wrong
I don't know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me
I hope I won't let you down
If you give me a chance I'll try
It's all I've ever been able to offer. But sometimes I wonder if I lived up to my end of the deal. I want it so badly, but at the same time, I'm absolutely petrified of it. I always pick "flight" instead of "fight". That's not fair.
You see it's been a hard road
The road I'm traveling on
And if I take your hand
I might lead you down the path to ruin
I've had a hard life
I'm just saying it so you'll understand
That right now, right now
I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life
Nothing has ever come easy for me. I feel like I've had to fight for everything I have. Fight for my individuality, fight for my sanity, fight for my self-respect. I wish I hadn't been too young to fight for my innocence, otherwise I would have done that too. I always say that if it hadn't been for my mother, I'd be dead right now. It's still the truth today.
At this point in my life
Although I've mostly walked in the shadows
I'm still searching for the light
Won't you put your faith in me
We both know that's what matters
If you give me a chance I'll try
I feel like I've been flopping around my whole life, like a fish out of water... everytime I think I've found my place I learn that it isn't my place at all. The optimist in me keeps me going, but sometimes I don't know why. So many others would have given up by now. Who knows, maybe I have.
You see I've been climbing stairs
But mostly stumbling down
I've been reaching high
But always losing ground
You see I've conquered hills
But I still have mountains to climb
And right now right now
I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life
"God won't give you anything you can't handle." It's times like this where I have to remind myself of that. So many mountains in my way. But yes, I'm doing the best I can. I hope.
Before we take a step
Before we walk down that path
Before I make any promises
Before you have regrets
Before we talk commitment
Let me tell you of my past
All I've seen and all I've done
The things I'd like to forget
At this point in my life
I'd seen more in the first 15 years of my life than most people have seen by the time they're forty years of age. At least, that's what I've been told. When I was a kid, it made me feel important. Wise beyond my years. Like I was special in some way. I've learned to accept the fact that everything in life happens for a reason, but sometimes I can't help but wonder now what the fuck those reasons could possibly be in my life. I try not to harbor regret for events that were out of my control. Or even ones that were in my control, I suppose. I attempt not to dwell on the past. I try to move on and choose differently next time. But I've never learned coping skills. So "moving on" actually means "bottling up"... which means I'm not really moving on at all. I need to fix that.
At this point in my life
I'd like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it
I have these moments... the ones where my son and I are snuggled up in my bed having little conversations about life and friends and I realize how much I absolutely adore this little tiny person that's been put into my care... and for a fleeting moment, I think that love is all that matters. That is what's important. That's all I need. I'm not sure if that's true or not, but I know that I'm severely lacking in something. I think it's love, but of a different kind.
You see when I've touched the sky
The earth's gravity has pulled me down
But now I've reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine
If you can give it a try
Then I'll reach inside and find and give you
All the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life
At this point in my life
I try. I really do. I try to be kind and loving and open-minded and receptive and honest and caring and sympathetic. I try to be a good person. But sometimes I feel like I fail miserably. But when I fail, it's only to the ones closest to me. When someone asks me why I'm single, I always debate on how much truth I should give them. I normally just say, "It's by choice, I don't want to be in a relationship right now." But I'm not sure if that's technically the truth or not. More than anything, I think it's because I really don't NEED to be in a relationship right now, no matter how severely badly I want and desire one. I hurt so bad inside. I don't even know where to begin the healing process. I don't feel like I should put anyone through that.
I think I'm falling in love with someone. It scares the shit out of me. My "flight" instinct is trying to kick in. I should probably give in, I think it's for the best.
(Song: At This Point in my Life by Tracy Chapman)