Bad Kids Come From Bad Parents?

Parents Behaving Badly
By NANCY GIBBS - Sunday, Feb. 13, 2005

If you could walk past the teachers' lounge and listen in, what sorts of stories would you hear? An Iowa high school counselor gets a call from a parent protesting the C her child received on an assignment. "The parent argued every point in the essay," recalls the counselor, who soon realized why the mother was so upset about the grade. "It became apparent that she'd written it."

A sixth-grade teacher in California tells a girl in her class that she needs to work on her reading at home, not just in school. "Her mom came in the next day," the teacher says, "and started yelling at me that I had emotionally upset her child."

A science teacher in Baltimore, Md., was offering lessons in anatomy when one of the boys in class declared, "There's one less rib in a man than in a woman." The teacher pulled out two skeletons--one male, the other female--and asked the student to count the ribs in each. "The next day," the teacher recalls, "the boy claimed he told his priest what happened and his priest said I was a heretic."

A teacher at a Tennessee elementary school slips on her kid gloves each morning as she contends with parents who insist, in writing, that their children are never to be reprimanded or even corrected. When she started teaching 31 years ago, she says, "I could make objective observations about my kids without parents getting offended. But now we handle parents a lot more delicately. We handle children a lot more delicately. They feel good about themselves for no reason. We've given them this cotton-candy sense of self with no basis in reality. We don't emphasize what's best for the greater good of society or even the classroom."

When our children are born, we study their every eyelash and marvel at the perfection of their toes, and in no time become experts in all that they do. But then the day comes when we are expected to hand them over to a stranger standing at the head of a room full of bright colors and small chairs. Well aware of the difference a great teacher can make--and the damage a bad teacher can do--parents turn over their kids and hope. Please handle with care. Please don't let my children get lost. They're breakable. And precious. Oh, but push them hard and don't let up, and make sure they get into Harvard.

But if parents are searching for the perfect teacher, teachers are looking for the ideal parent, a partner but not a pest, engaged but not obsessed, with a sense of perspective and patience. And somehow just at the moment when the experts all say the parent-teacher alliance is more important than ever, it is also becoming harder to manage. At a time when competition is rising and resources are strained, when battles over testing and accountability force schools to adjust their priorities, when cell phones and e-mail speed up the information flow and all kinds of private ghosts and public quarrels creep into the parent-teacher conference, it's harder for both sides to step back and breathe deeply and look at the goals they share.

Ask teachers about the best part of their job, and most will say how much they love working with kids. Ask them about the most demanding part, and they will say dealing with parents. In fact, a new study finds that of all the challenges they face, new teachers rank handling parents at the top. According to preliminary results from the MetLife Survey of the American Teacher, made available exclusively to TIME, parent management was a bigger struggle than finding enough funding or maintaining discipline or enduring the toils of testing. It's one reason, say the Consortium for Policy Research in Education and the Center for the Study of Teaching and Policy, that 40% to 50% of new teachers leave the profession within five years. Even master teachers who love their work, says Harvard education professor Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot, call this "the most treacherous part of their jobs."

"Everyone says the parent-teacher conference should be pleasant, civilized, a kind of dialogue where parents and teachers build alliances," Lawrence-Lightfoot observes. "But what most teachers feel, and certainly what all parents feel, is anxiety, panic and vulnerability." While teachers worry most about the parents they never see, the ones who show up faithfully pose a whole different set of challenges. Leaving aside the monster parents who seem to have been born to torment the teacher, even "good" parents can have bad days when their virtues exceed their boundaries: the eager parent who pushes too hard, the protective parent who defends the cheater, the homework helper who takes over, the tireless advocate who loses sight of the fact that there are other kids in the class too.

"I could summarize in one sentence what teachers hate about parents," says the head of a private school. "We hate it when parents undermine the education and growth of their children. That's it, plain and simple." A taxonomy of parents behaving badly:

•THE HOVERING PARENT
It was a beautiful late morning last May when Richard Hawley, headmaster at University School in Cleveland, Ohio, saw the flock of mothers entering the building, eager and beaming. "I ask what brings them to our halls," he recalls. "They tell me that this is the last day the seniors will be eating lunch together at school and they have come to watch. To watch their boys eat lunch? I ask. Yes, they tell me emphatically. At that moment, a group of lounging seniors spot their mothers coming their way. One of them approaches his mother, his hands forming an approximation of a crucifix. 'No,' he says firmly to his mother. 'You can't do this. You've got to go home.' As his mother draws near, he hisses in embarrassment, 'Mother, you have no life!' His mother's smile broadens. 'You are my life, dear.'"

Parents are passionate, protective creatures when it comes to their children, as nature designed them to be. Teachers strive to be dispassionate, objective professionals, as their training requires them to be. Throw in all the suspicions born of class and race and personal experience, a culture that praises teachers freely but pays them poorly, a generation taught to question authority and a political climate that argues for holding schools ever more accountable for how kids perform, and it is a miracle that parents and teachers get along as well as they do. "There's more parent involvement that's good--and bad," notes Kirk Daddow, a 38-year veteran who teaches Advanced Placement history in Ames, Iowa. "The good kind is the 'Make yourself known to the teacher; ask what you could do.' The bad kind is the 'Wait until something happens, then complain about it and try to get a grade changed.'" Overall, he figures, "we're seeing more of the bad."

Long gone are the days when the school was a fortress, opened a couple of times a year for parents' night and graduation but generally off limits to parents unless their kids got into trouble. Now you can't walk into schools, public or private, without tripping over parents in the halls. They volunteer as library aides and reading coaches and Mentor Moms, supplement the physical-education offerings with yoga and kickboxing, sponsor faculty-appreciation lunches and fund-raising barbecues, supervise field trips and road games and father-daughter service projects. Even the heads of boarding schools report that some parents are moving to live closer to their child's school so that they can be on hand and go to all the games. As budgets shrink and educational demands grow, that extra army of helpers can be a godsend to strapped schools.

But parents, it turns out, have a learning curve of their own. Parents who are a welcome presence in elementary school as library helpers need to learn a different role for junior high and another for high school as their children's needs evolve. Teachers talk about "helicopter parents," who hover over the school at all times, waiting to drop in at the least sign of trouble. Given these unsettled times, if parents feel less in control of their own lives, they try to control what they can, which means everything from swooping down at the first bad grade to demanding a good 12 inches of squishy rubber under the jungle gym so that anyone who falls will bounce right back. "The parents are not the bad guys," says Nancy McGill, a teacher in Johnston, Iowa, who learned a lot about handling parents from being one herself. "They're mama grizzly bears. They're going to defend that cub no matter what, and they don't always think rationally. If I can remember that, it defuses the situation. It's not about me. It's not about attacking our system. It's about a parent trying to do the best for their child. That helps keep the personal junk out of the way. I don't get so emotional."

Remainder of article.

Comments

I hate the way parents coddle their children. Kids today are narcissistic. From a psychology standpoint, narcissism is defined as "A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem." That basically means that these kids have good self esteems and they have no idea why. They have no basis for their self esteem. They don't feel good because they've accomplished anything. So then they get out into the real world, and it totally hits them hard and they usually end up dealing with depression, etc, because they realize that they actually have to do something with themselves. Blah.
 
Excuse me? I would hardly say we are bad parents and we have a bad teen. It isn't always the fault of the parents, it's sometimes the kids around them not having parents who give a damn or feel "love" is expressed by money and objects.

My 16 year old was a good kid. He started lying to his mother and I about a year ago and we laid down the law. He sneaks out, does stuff he shouldn't, but it is partially because he runs with these kids that are bad. I got my revenge. I found my 16 year old had a case of beer in his room hidden. I went out to the side yard and found yet more spent beer cans near our fire pit. I waited for them to go outside one evening, peeked from the window in the den, saw beer and called the sheriff on all of them. They spent the night at juvenile hall.

The sad part? We got our kid, another couple who is pretty much on the same page as us picked up their son at the same time. The deputies asked if we were taking the other boys as they could not reach parents to take them. As much as I hated emphasizing the lack of parents I their lives, I said I can't take responsibility for them.

This blog hit a little close to home right now NJ.
 
I'm sorry if I struck a nerve. This article was not aimed at you or your stepson Osiris. :redface: As you can see it's an old article. It just struck a nerve with me because of a friend whose son is now in college. (how he made it I'll never know) She is a loving, doting, hovering, helicopter mommy. In H.S., when he got picked up, with friends for shoplifting at the mall, she yelled a little; but was basically unconcerned (because boys will be boys) and at least they were stealing books from Barnes & Noble rather than hubcaps off of cars. WTF?!:eek::mad: I am his godmother. When I found out the next day I drove to north Jersey and read his skinny white ass up one side and down the other. I laid it out straight and told him how the next time; and there better not be a next time, his butt would end up in jail and as cute as he was he would be somebodys bitch before the sun set. That got his attention. I scared the shit out of him, by the time I was done his 15 year old eyes were welling up with tears and his nose was red and running; even his 6'3" dad looked a little afraid of me. :biggrin1:

He's in college now, he chose a major his freshman year. He's not perfect. He's a manwhore; but he knows to use condoms always, he drinks a little more than I would like, but he doesn't do drugs, he works p/t, maintains a B+ average and often babysits his 4.5 year old sister.

Osiris, your son sounds like he is having a really, difficult time with growing pains and what not. The thing is it's not your fault. I have no doubt that you and your wife have done the very best you can and then some. What children do and how they turn out, often has nothing to do with their upbringing.
 
No worries NJ. I know it wasn't directed at me, we are just at that raw nerve phase. Everyone in Woodinville where we live knows the real deal, but when the law picks him up, we have to go into Seattle to County and they don't know. Then starts the gauntlet of proving you are a fit parent and fielding the barrage of lawyers, police, and judges all saying the same thing...

"You've got a bad one there. Are you sure you don't want the system to deal with him?"

My stepson most of the time has a good heart and will give the shirt off his back to someone in need. He's a smart kid, he's just making some horrid choices.
 
He's just at that age... identity crisis and all that fun stuff. Trying to figure out who he is and where he fits in. I went through that as well. In fact, there's a part of me that's still going through that.
 
It may not be a definite that bad kids come from bad parents but having bad parents doesn't help. Working in retail has brought my into contact with families of cavemen. The kids act exactly as obnoxiously as the parents as they walk around my department ruining all the organization and cleanliness me and my co-workers work so hard for. A good kid can come from a bad parent but it's becoming more and more rare.
 

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