I looked in the mirror today. I usually hate looking in the mirror, but today I did and I wasn't exactly happy with what I saw, but I wasn't repulsed.
I am too fat, and my dick isn't as big as I would like, but today when I looked in the mirror I felt okay about myself.
I am usually pretty hard on myself about my body and have a lot of trouble opening up to women, due to issues with my body. This is a big problem for me. My shame has made sex nearly impossible. I've had sex before, but never enjoyable sex and I still haven't had sex with my girlfriend. Whenever I am with her, in a no clothes capacity at least, I just feel very awkward and uncomfortable.
At first I thought I was gay, but I've tested out that theory and it doesn't fly. I really just have issues with my body and a very negative self image. At the point where I am right now, I feel so ashamed of who I am that I can't share myself like that.
I don't know how to improve my self image. I think it's impossible. I've had low self esteem since I was a small child. I remember in elementary school a teacher one time asked me to name a positive trait that I had and I couldn't do it. I couldn't think of a single positive thing about myself. I think low self esteem is just part of my personality. Maybe there is no way to fix it.
But as low as my self esteem is, and has been, right now at this moment I feel okay with myself. I don't feel attractive or cool, but I feel okay with myself. I'm starting to realize that I've had a few girlfriends in my life and all of them, most of whom were honestly attractive, did want me. They did want to make love me and be physically intimate with me even after seeing my body. Some of them have come back multiple times with a desire for sex and a relationship.
I need to get over my various emotional issues. I want to get some counseling or something, but I don't want to do that in this country. The language and cultural barrier make me feel uncomfortable with this kind of topic. I also don't want to go back the US. I've created a decent life for myself here and don't want to end that for the sake of my mental health.
I've rambled long enough and need to get to work.
Bye
I am too fat, and my dick isn't as big as I would like, but today when I looked in the mirror I felt okay about myself.
I am usually pretty hard on myself about my body and have a lot of trouble opening up to women, due to issues with my body. This is a big problem for me. My shame has made sex nearly impossible. I've had sex before, but never enjoyable sex and I still haven't had sex with my girlfriend. Whenever I am with her, in a no clothes capacity at least, I just feel very awkward and uncomfortable.
At first I thought I was gay, but I've tested out that theory and it doesn't fly. I really just have issues with my body and a very negative self image. At the point where I am right now, I feel so ashamed of who I am that I can't share myself like that.
I don't know how to improve my self image. I think it's impossible. I've had low self esteem since I was a small child. I remember in elementary school a teacher one time asked me to name a positive trait that I had and I couldn't do it. I couldn't think of a single positive thing about myself. I think low self esteem is just part of my personality. Maybe there is no way to fix it.
But as low as my self esteem is, and has been, right now at this moment I feel okay with myself. I don't feel attractive or cool, but I feel okay with myself. I'm starting to realize that I've had a few girlfriends in my life and all of them, most of whom were honestly attractive, did want me. They did want to make love me and be physically intimate with me even after seeing my body. Some of them have come back multiple times with a desire for sex and a relationship.
I need to get over my various emotional issues. I want to get some counseling or something, but I don't want to do that in this country. The language and cultural barrier make me feel uncomfortable with this kind of topic. I also don't want to go back the US. I've created a decent life for myself here and don't want to end that for the sake of my mental health.
I've rambled long enough and need to get to work.
Bye
