Hooo boy. This one will be... weird.
The last post discussed a few different things, but I plan to make this one a bit more coherent. However, this topic is very difficult for me to grasp, so I will be thinking while writing, if that makes any sense. Like a few other posts, this'll really be a thought exercise.
Right.
Unattractive behaviour. We've seen this phenomena in all kinds of places. Typical examples are all those beautiful celebrities who, when you strip off their glamorous exterior, are about as interesting as a dishrag.
It doesn't matter how good you look if you're a really boring or rotten person.
In my last post I discussed a few examples of unattractive behaviour: excessive whining and complaining.
I've been known to bitch and whine. A lot of people on here know that. It's a vice I allow myself here on the internet. I keep that stuff locked up in real life. Also, I'm working hard on moving away from such behaviour: it's unbecoming.
The thing is, I have often described myself as "just not a very cheerful person". As if to free myself from any obligation to be cheerful. As if to allow myself to just be my usual brooding self.
I've been confronted about that, and got me to thinking, as well it should. It does seem like an excuse. "I'm not built to be happy" or "I'm just not a very cheerful person". What's the point of such a statement or view of life?
I think it's about avoiding to face up to my own shortcomings, which are more than likely the cause to any grief I may experience. It's rationalizing cowardly behaviour. "No, I don't want to deal with my issues, I was built to wallow in this situation". Fuck that.
But then, that's how I saw, and quite often still see, myself. A person who is always negative and brooding and melancholy doesn't sound like a lot of fun, yeah? Yet, I am not a friendless loner, despite this and my introverted nature.
My dark/bleak/gallows humour is something that friends often comment on when they've noticed it in somebody else and apparently come to think of me.
So what does this mean? Well, after thinking on it a bit, I think I've come to a conclusion: I probably see myself as a more negative person than I really am. I see myself as a cynical pessimist, while deep down I probably harbour a core of cautious optimism.
Yes, the world is a shitty place full of horrors, violence and injustice. The ugly answer is usually the truth and bad guys will always win. Yet a part of me clings to the tiny sparks of goodness that do exist in the world.
Deep down I have a small spark that is always convinced that things will most likely turn out for the best, or failing that, that things will at least be alright.
To briefly analyze that further is easy: since I come from a comfortable middle class background I've never really had to struggle except within the academic sphere. Thus, I've probably never been able to truly grasp just how low people can fall when everything falls to pieces. That is to say, I probably believe that everything will be alright because I come from a society that tries to ensure that that is the case.
That tiny spark of optimism is always in conflict with the majority of me, which is pessimistic. I doubt this is something unique to me: anybody with a mind and a few functioning senses understands that the world is shit, yet nobody really wants to believe that everything is dark and hopeless. Thus we struggle to reconcile the conflicting thoughts that everything is shit and that everything will be alright.
Usually, it seems that people only remember good things and forget the bad things. However, when it comes to my own behaviour, it seems I most often remember the bad things, and don't really remember the good things. Thus, I see myself as a dark and brooding person, yet my friends probably don't see me the same way.
Despite my weakness which makes me inclined to whine it seems that I have managed to keep the most of my brooding to myself. That's good, because then I can deal with it, and nobody will ever have to know about that particular battle. Well, nobody except all you readers!
So what then? Well, I need to move away from seeing myself that way. I need to lift this dark, illusory veil from my mind.
Does this mean I will be more cheerful?
Well, I'm not really built for cheerfulness.
The last post discussed a few different things, but I plan to make this one a bit more coherent. However, this topic is very difficult for me to grasp, so I will be thinking while writing, if that makes any sense. Like a few other posts, this'll really be a thought exercise.
Right.
Unattractive behaviour. We've seen this phenomena in all kinds of places. Typical examples are all those beautiful celebrities who, when you strip off their glamorous exterior, are about as interesting as a dishrag.
It doesn't matter how good you look if you're a really boring or rotten person.
In my last post I discussed a few examples of unattractive behaviour: excessive whining and complaining.
I've been known to bitch and whine. A lot of people on here know that. It's a vice I allow myself here on the internet. I keep that stuff locked up in real life. Also, I'm working hard on moving away from such behaviour: it's unbecoming.
The thing is, I have often described myself as "just not a very cheerful person". As if to free myself from any obligation to be cheerful. As if to allow myself to just be my usual brooding self.
I've been confronted about that, and got me to thinking, as well it should. It does seem like an excuse. "I'm not built to be happy" or "I'm just not a very cheerful person". What's the point of such a statement or view of life?
I think it's about avoiding to face up to my own shortcomings, which are more than likely the cause to any grief I may experience. It's rationalizing cowardly behaviour. "No, I don't want to deal with my issues, I was built to wallow in this situation". Fuck that.
But then, that's how I saw, and quite often still see, myself. A person who is always negative and brooding and melancholy doesn't sound like a lot of fun, yeah? Yet, I am not a friendless loner, despite this and my introverted nature.
My dark/bleak/gallows humour is something that friends often comment on when they've noticed it in somebody else and apparently come to think of me.
So what does this mean? Well, after thinking on it a bit, I think I've come to a conclusion: I probably see myself as a more negative person than I really am. I see myself as a cynical pessimist, while deep down I probably harbour a core of cautious optimism.
Yes, the world is a shitty place full of horrors, violence and injustice. The ugly answer is usually the truth and bad guys will always win. Yet a part of me clings to the tiny sparks of goodness that do exist in the world.
Deep down I have a small spark that is always convinced that things will most likely turn out for the best, or failing that, that things will at least be alright.
To briefly analyze that further is easy: since I come from a comfortable middle class background I've never really had to struggle except within the academic sphere. Thus, I've probably never been able to truly grasp just how low people can fall when everything falls to pieces. That is to say, I probably believe that everything will be alright because I come from a society that tries to ensure that that is the case.
That tiny spark of optimism is always in conflict with the majority of me, which is pessimistic. I doubt this is something unique to me: anybody with a mind and a few functioning senses understands that the world is shit, yet nobody really wants to believe that everything is dark and hopeless. Thus we struggle to reconcile the conflicting thoughts that everything is shit and that everything will be alright.
Usually, it seems that people only remember good things and forget the bad things. However, when it comes to my own behaviour, it seems I most often remember the bad things, and don't really remember the good things. Thus, I see myself as a dark and brooding person, yet my friends probably don't see me the same way.
Despite my weakness which makes me inclined to whine it seems that I have managed to keep the most of my brooding to myself. That's good, because then I can deal with it, and nobody will ever have to know about that particular battle. Well, nobody except all you readers!
So what then? Well, I need to move away from seeing myself that way. I need to lift this dark, illusory veil from my mind.
Does this mean I will be more cheerful?
Well, I'm not really built for cheerfulness.