Blogging just because....

I'm not sure why I'm still awake. I have no reason to be awake. I'm not doing anything. There isn't anything good on TV. None of my friends are online. The message board is slow. But I don't want to go to sleep. I've been doing this a lot lately, and I don't know what's causing it. I have to be up in 6 hours and 15 minutes to take my son to school. Last night I was up until 3am, and then awoke at 7... got my son fed and ready, took him to school, then came home and slept from 8:30 till noon. Maybe if I just skip out on a nap tomorrow, I can work out a more decent sleep schedule. But I don't really think it's my schedule that's keeping me up... I think there's more to it. I just can't quite put my finger on it...

A few threads ago, I mentioned being in love with a guy that I could never have. I'm still having issues with that situation. He made a recent blog post where he mentions how great his new girlfriend is, and from the way he talked and the things he said, I have a feeling that he plans on moving closer to her sometime in 2008 (which would mean somewhere around/near NYC). I'm struggling with this for two main reasons. For one, he won't be near me anymore (as of right now, I can drive to his house in about 3 minutes). For two, it means that I'll either have to go see him and hang out with him before he leaves, or I'll have to deal with him being angry with me for not doing that exact thing. Why is that an issue, you ask? Lemme explain... I'll start at the beginning.

I met Mat 9 years ago on AOL. I had just started using it (I was 16) and he was somewhat of a seasoned member (he was 22). We met in a chat room. He helped me learn how to use the program better, and we just kinda talked. He was really freakn cool, (and incredibly hot) and had a great sense of humor. I liked him from the get-go. We talked online regularly for three years before we finally met in person. I'm not sure why it took that long, really, but it did. I was insanely nervous. I was also pregnant. I'm not sure why that's relevant, but I thought I'd throw it in there anyway. I go to his house, and we hang out and watch a movie 'n stuff. I don't remember if it started that evening or not, but we eventually became friends with benefits. He has been single throughout our entire friendship up until the last several months, but I had been in and out of relationships from the beginning. So we were friends constantly, and hung out regularly, but when I was single, we'd also through a bit of sex into the mix. I think part of the reason I fell so hard for Mat is because he was "my person". (If you watch Grey's Anatomy, you should get that reference. :tongue: ). I told him everything. He knows everything about me. I've never held back when telling him anything about my life, my relationships, or my feelings/emotions. He knows it all. He's the only person I've ever really had like that in my life. For some reason, I've always been afraid that others would judge me... and I was also always afraid of being viewed as weak or vulnerable. Growing up, I was always the person that people would come to with their problems. I was the strong one. And there was something about Mat that made me feel comfortable enough to share all my shit with him. I don't know what it is, but when I'm talking with him, I can let it all out, and I know that he'll still be my friend and respect me. He won't think I'm weak, and he won't take advantage of me. I think this is precisely what allowed me to fall in love with him. For a long time, I didn't realize how much I cared for him. I thought it was just a crush. Boy, was I wrong. Every guy I ever dated got compared to Mat (and he and I never really officially "dated"... just FWB). No guy ever compared to him, but they were good enough for the time being... Mr. "Right Now" if you will. But none of them were Mr. Right, and I knew that in my heart of hearts. But I was always too afraid to tell Mat how I felt. He was single for a reason. Shortly before he and I met, he had gotten completely heartbroken by a woman that he had spent four years of his life with. Mat isn't the type to show a lot of emotion, but when he talked about her, you could hear the pain... it was terrible. I felt so bad for him. He chose to stay single. Part of him was still trapped in that relationship. He wasn't ready to move on. I knew that. I knew that if I told him how I felt, it wouldn't make a damn difference because he still had something emotional going with his ex. I also knew that I wasn't really his type. So I never told him. I just kept on my search for a guy who would compare to Mat.

About a year and a half ago, my (now ex) and I were having problems. We had been together for about 2 1/2 years I suppose... but we were very distant. We argued constantly, we weren't having sex anymore, it was really just pretty shitty. Mat and I started talking online one night, and he asked how my boyfriend and I were doing, so I told him the truth about how bad it was... and it just hit me - how in love I was with Mat. I started crying (thank God we were online). From that point on, he was all I could think about. I still tried to work things out with my boyfriend, but it was somewhat half-hearted. I thought that if I felt so incredibly strong about Mat, then how could I possibly be with another guy? It wouldn't be fair to me or him, really. So I finally put my boyfriend out of his misery and made him my ex. But I still never stopped thinking about Mat. I wanted him so badly. I was tired of the shitty relationships. I just wanted to be with him. Completely and totally. But I was still afraid to tell him.

Every time we talked online, I cried. Every time he invited me to his house, I found some reason to decline. Every time he sent me an invite to view his web cam (not for sexual purposes, mind you), I would accept it so he wouldn't get mad or start asking questions... but I would have it in the background behind other windows so I wouldn't have to see his face. Seeing his face made it worse. Hearing his voice made it worse. I finally decided that I had to tell him. It was getting too hard to function on a daily basis. I thought about him constantly (at least, that's how it felt). So I sent him a really long email about how I felt. I didn't leave out anything. I sent the email off, and awaited a response - if there was to be one. After about three days of nothing, Mat gets online one night. He IM's me, and we start talking. Neither of us mentioned the email for a while, then I finally said something about it... I asked him if he had received it. He said that he had, but he didn't know what to say about it. That was basically all I needed to hear anyway.

So as of this moment, it's been about two years since I have actually seen my best friend. He lives three minutes from me and I haven't seen him in two fucking years. (Because of the problems my ex and I were having, I had already gone about 6 months without seeing Mat before I had my 'revelation' about him. My ex knew about the history between Mat and I, and he wasn't really comfortable with us hanging out.) Now here is my problem.

I've actually gotten fairly comfortable with how things are going with Mat and I. We talk online a lot. He hasn't sent me an invite to his web cam in a long time, so I haven't had to deal with that. We don't ever really talk on the phone. So I get to have my best friend without having to worry about the emotion... and if I do break down and start crying while talking to him, it's not that big of a deal because it's only on the internet and he won't ever know. It's perfect for me right now. My problem is, what do I do if he moves? I mean, he's already been giving me shit about how long it's been since we've hung out... every time he gets online, he asks me about it. But if he decides to move, I know he's going to want to see me to say goodbye. If I go to see him to say goodbye, I'm going to be an emotional wreck. I'm starting to cry already just thinking about how bad it would be for me. I don't want to let him go. But if I don't say goodbye, he'll be so incredibly angry with me... and he'll have every right to be.

What the fuck and I going to do?

I've spent months trying to deny the fact that he is in a relationship with someone other than me, but I guess I'm eventually going to have to face that fact. Ugh. I'm gonna go cry now. :frown1:

Comments

Hello

I was bored so i thought I'd read some blogs, but now i feel like crap too - good on ya!,

Well many yrs ago some thing like that happened to my self much like your going though now, it was and still is the worst feeling in the world and when they know how you feel oh man!, like you i told this person.

I thought do i want to be on my death bed regretting i never took the chance at some thing i wanted with all my mind, hart & soul?
Well it never worked out, quite simply they didn't feel the same way, not with the same passion any way.

since then I've meet my now wife had a good life, but every now and then i get a strange feeling of loss, it goes just as quick but it's never really gone more like its a shadow that follows you,some times your just more a where of it, does that make sense ?, probably not its hard to put into words.

It's strange as i love my wife more then i can put into words too,i think its the loss more then the person that hurts.

Any way i don't have any fix it all advice for you, i just wanted you to know that you'll learn to live with it and hell go out with him to say good bye, if your going to be crying a river of tears of this guy for a while you may as well at lest have some good memories of your friendship together.

Thank You.
 
TTM, you're going to hate me for saying this, but you have treated him very badly. How do you know he wasn't reaching out for you? And now he has a gf and is getting his life together, and you're upset about this?
 
Well maybe you could think what if the circumstances were reversed
Or if there was a 3rd+ party

Consider whether or not you thought the situation could be different and if it was what you would think about it if it was what it is now.


So whatever you do maybe at least you could ask yourself if you should.
 
Well, he wasn't reaching out to me. I'm not stupid. I've known him for almost 10 years. I'm not his type, and there was never to be a relationship between the two of us. I know this. So, say what you want, but it wasn't going to happen. So yeah, I'm upset that I was never what he wanted in a girlfriend.
 
Meggy, I'm sorry that you've had to (and still are) go through all of this. It stinks. I wish that I could give you a hug.

I've heard people talk about there being "three sides to every story" and your sharing makes it glaringly obvious to me. hotmilf has read into it one way and she's a very perceptive lady who always gives brilliant advice, however I must admit that I'm reading into it completely differently. I'm going to point out the things that stand out to me and the conclusions that I'm drawing because of it, but you are going to have to rely on your experience and the finer details in order for you to draw conclusions of your own.

I don't know how things work on your part of the world (eg culture etc) but I can tell you that chances of a 16 year old girl spend a lot of time with a guy (often times a couple of years older than her inevitably ends up with a crush being developed. I'm not saying that it always happens, but 16 is still a rather impressionable age...and I'm sorry to say this but at that a six year age difference is a helluva big deal - in the sense that you still hadn't sampled the big bad world - the greater part of your life revolved around school and having fun (which is how it ought to be) whereas he was already dealing with making big choices with regard to what he wanted to make of his future. There's nothing wrong with the two of you having become friends, however, the next step in the way that the two of you related cannot be ignored.

Things became sexual. Now fine, his heart was broken and he was afraid of going through it again, I have no doubt that the sex was consensual BUT was it a good idea? And who bears the greater responsibility (looking at everything from the beginning)? I tend to gravitate towards him in the sense of him bearing greater responsibility.

So you then reach a place where you cannot go on without telling about what's been going on inside of you and what do you get? Nothing. So you were good enough for the sex, the companionship etc in order to make life easier for him but once his comfort zones were challenged by way of your taking a huge risk and laying yourself bare to him, what did he do to make it easier for you? It just looks very one_sided from where I stand, so I can't help but examine things critically. He didn't have to sweep you up and ride off with you into the sunset, but he could have treated you with dignity and respect...and honored your sharing by acknowledging it, even with a simple, "Meg, I really appreciate your telling me about everything that you've been going through but unfortunately I am at a loss for words, i really do not know what to say.' You deserved to be acknowledged, but you weren't and that is why I am being so critical.

Now he's not happy because you aren't hanging out with him and there's the probability that he'll be leaving town...and once again I am left with a sense that there are expectations that you're expected to meet.

My only response to all of this would be to advise you to stop and examine the whole picture and ask yourself, "How much of my needs (and I'm not talking about his not going out with you...but the way that he dealt with your heart), expectations and requests have been met by him? What do I have to show from all of this? (and vice versa) Draw up a comparison and see who has gained the most...as in are the scales completely out of balance or not. Yes, it sounds selfish, but it's so easy to be swept up by the emotion that one overlooks the importance of identifying if things have become exploitative or not....and then decide on how you want to take it from there. It's really easy to get caught in a cycle of, "Ouch! You missed a couple of teeth, why don't you come and kick again?" I'm not implying that this is the case but I am saying that your sharing sounds as if it is and it's imperative that you stop and examine things closely before deciding on a course of action.

Love ya hugest time Megsy.
 
Mat isn't a bad guy. When things got sexual, it was completely mutual. I probably wanted it more than he did, really. At the time, I didn't think it was a bad idea. I knew that a relationship wasn't going to come of it, and I was okay with that. I wasn't really ready for one anyway.

After I sent him the email, he didn't reply... you are correct about that. I firmly believe that it was because he didn't want to hurt me in any way. He knows me too well... he knows that I'd rather him say nothing at all, than say something that could hurt. He was dating his new girlfriend for a couple weeks before he told me about it, and I know that the reason behind that is because he was afraid it was going to hurt me. He was so worried when he told me, it was actually kind of cute.

I hate that I'm on here now trying to defend him. I shouldn't have to do that. I know that none of you know this guy, but just have faith that I fell hardcore in love with one of the most amazing men on the planet. Everytime a guy broke my heart, he was there to help me pick up the pieces. He was always a shoulder to cry on. He always made me laugh. He made me feel important. We always had these great intellectual debates. He never judged me. He treated me with respect. He's incredibly generous and mature and responsible. He cares about me as a friend and as a person. He never took advantage of me, or intentionally tried to cause me pain. He was nothing but a best friend to me.
 
He has no right to be mad at you if you don't go to say goodbye, there's nothing stopping him coming to say goodbye to you.
 
Hello

I don't think hes a "bad guy" at all i think you are dead on with him not wanting to hurt you, its funny how we all read differently, i took it as your in love with someone that may love you but is not in love with you, and that hurts.

Thank You.
 

Blog entry information

Author
IntoxicatingToxin
Read time
7 min read
Views
206
Comments
9
Last update

More entries in General

More entries from IntoxicatingToxin

Share this entry