I'm not sure why I'm still awake. I have no reason to be awake. I'm not doing anything. There isn't anything good on TV. None of my friends are online. The message board is slow. But I don't want to go to sleep. I've been doing this a lot lately, and I don't know what's causing it. I have to be up in 6 hours and 15 minutes to take my son to school. Last night I was up until 3am, and then awoke at 7... got my son fed and ready, took him to school, then came home and slept from 8:30 till noon. Maybe if I just skip out on a nap tomorrow, I can work out a more decent sleep schedule. But I don't really think it's my schedule that's keeping me up... I think there's more to it. I just can't quite put my finger on it...
A few threads ago, I mentioned being in love with a guy that I could never have. I'm still having issues with that situation. He made a recent blog post where he mentions how great his new girlfriend is, and from the way he talked and the things he said, I have a feeling that he plans on moving closer to her sometime in 2008 (which would mean somewhere around/near NYC). I'm struggling with this for two main reasons. For one, he won't be near me anymore (as of right now, I can drive to his house in about 3 minutes). For two, it means that I'll either have to go see him and hang out with him before he leaves, or I'll have to deal with him being angry with me for not doing that exact thing. Why is that an issue, you ask? Lemme explain... I'll start at the beginning.
I met Mat 9 years ago on AOL. I had just started using it (I was 16) and he was somewhat of a seasoned member (he was 22). We met in a chat room. He helped me learn how to use the program better, and we just kinda talked. He was really freakn cool, (and incredibly hot) and had a great sense of humor. I liked him from the get-go. We talked online regularly for three years before we finally met in person. I'm not sure why it took that long, really, but it did. I was insanely nervous. I was also pregnant. I'm not sure why that's relevant, but I thought I'd throw it in there anyway. I go to his house, and we hang out and watch a movie 'n stuff. I don't remember if it started that evening or not, but we eventually became friends with benefits. He has been single throughout our entire friendship up until the last several months, but I had been in and out of relationships from the beginning. So we were friends constantly, and hung out regularly, but when I was single, we'd also through a bit of sex into the mix. I think part of the reason I fell so hard for Mat is because he was "my person". (If you watch Grey's Anatomy, you should get that reference. :tongue: ). I told him everything. He knows everything about me. I've never held back when telling him anything about my life, my relationships, or my feelings/emotions. He knows it all. He's the only person I've ever really had like that in my life. For some reason, I've always been afraid that others would judge me... and I was also always afraid of being viewed as weak or vulnerable. Growing up, I was always the person that people would come to with their problems. I was the strong one. And there was something about Mat that made me feel comfortable enough to share all my shit with him. I don't know what it is, but when I'm talking with him, I can let it all out, and I know that he'll still be my friend and respect me. He won't think I'm weak, and he won't take advantage of me. I think this is precisely what allowed me to fall in love with him. For a long time, I didn't realize how much I cared for him. I thought it was just a crush. Boy, was I wrong. Every guy I ever dated got compared to Mat (and he and I never really officially "dated"... just FWB). No guy ever compared to him, but they were good enough for the time being... Mr. "Right Now" if you will. But none of them were Mr. Right, and I knew that in my heart of hearts. But I was always too afraid to tell Mat how I felt. He was single for a reason. Shortly before he and I met, he had gotten completely heartbroken by a woman that he had spent four years of his life with. Mat isn't the type to show a lot of emotion, but when he talked about her, you could hear the pain... it was terrible. I felt so bad for him. He chose to stay single. Part of him was still trapped in that relationship. He wasn't ready to move on. I knew that. I knew that if I told him how I felt, it wouldn't make a damn difference because he still had something emotional going with his ex. I also knew that I wasn't really his type. So I never told him. I just kept on my search for a guy who would compare to Mat.
About a year and a half ago, my (now ex) and I were having problems. We had been together for about 2 1/2 years I suppose... but we were very distant. We argued constantly, we weren't having sex anymore, it was really just pretty shitty. Mat and I started talking online one night, and he asked how my boyfriend and I were doing, so I told him the truth about how bad it was... and it just hit me - how in love I was with Mat. I started crying (thank God we were online). From that point on, he was all I could think about. I still tried to work things out with my boyfriend, but it was somewhat half-hearted. I thought that if I felt so incredibly strong about Mat, then how could I possibly be with another guy? It wouldn't be fair to me or him, really. So I finally put my boyfriend out of his misery and made him my ex. But I still never stopped thinking about Mat. I wanted him so badly. I was tired of the shitty relationships. I just wanted to be with him. Completely and totally. But I was still afraid to tell him.
Every time we talked online, I cried. Every time he invited me to his house, I found some reason to decline. Every time he sent me an invite to view his web cam (not for sexual purposes, mind you), I would accept it so he wouldn't get mad or start asking questions... but I would have it in the background behind other windows so I wouldn't have to see his face. Seeing his face made it worse. Hearing his voice made it worse. I finally decided that I had to tell him. It was getting too hard to function on a daily basis. I thought about him constantly (at least, that's how it felt). So I sent him a really long email about how I felt. I didn't leave out anything. I sent the email off, and awaited a response - if there was to be one. After about three days of nothing, Mat gets online one night. He IM's me, and we start talking. Neither of us mentioned the email for a while, then I finally said something about it... I asked him if he had received it. He said that he had, but he didn't know what to say about it. That was basically all I needed to hear anyway.
So as of this moment, it's been about two years since I have actually seen my best friend. He lives three minutes from me and I haven't seen him in two fucking years. (Because of the problems my ex and I were having, I had already gone about 6 months without seeing Mat before I had my 'revelation' about him. My ex knew about the history between Mat and I, and he wasn't really comfortable with us hanging out.) Now here is my problem.
I've actually gotten fairly comfortable with how things are going with Mat and I. We talk online a lot. He hasn't sent me an invite to his web cam in a long time, so I haven't had to deal with that. We don't ever really talk on the phone. So I get to have my best friend without having to worry about the emotion... and if I do break down and start crying while talking to him, it's not that big of a deal because it's only on the internet and he won't ever know. It's perfect for me right now. My problem is, what do I do if he moves? I mean, he's already been giving me shit about how long it's been since we've hung out... every time he gets online, he asks me about it. But if he decides to move, I know he's going to want to see me to say goodbye. If I go to see him to say goodbye, I'm going to be an emotional wreck. I'm starting to cry already just thinking about how bad it would be for me. I don't want to let him go. But if I don't say goodbye, he'll be so incredibly angry with me... and he'll have every right to be.
What the fuck and I going to do?
I've spent months trying to deny the fact that he is in a relationship with someone other than me, but I guess I'm eventually going to have to face that fact. Ugh. I'm gonna go cry now. :frown1:
A few threads ago, I mentioned being in love with a guy that I could never have. I'm still having issues with that situation. He made a recent blog post where he mentions how great his new girlfriend is, and from the way he talked and the things he said, I have a feeling that he plans on moving closer to her sometime in 2008 (which would mean somewhere around/near NYC). I'm struggling with this for two main reasons. For one, he won't be near me anymore (as of right now, I can drive to his house in about 3 minutes). For two, it means that I'll either have to go see him and hang out with him before he leaves, or I'll have to deal with him being angry with me for not doing that exact thing. Why is that an issue, you ask? Lemme explain... I'll start at the beginning.
I met Mat 9 years ago on AOL. I had just started using it (I was 16) and he was somewhat of a seasoned member (he was 22). We met in a chat room. He helped me learn how to use the program better, and we just kinda talked. He was really freakn cool, (and incredibly hot) and had a great sense of humor. I liked him from the get-go. We talked online regularly for three years before we finally met in person. I'm not sure why it took that long, really, but it did. I was insanely nervous. I was also pregnant. I'm not sure why that's relevant, but I thought I'd throw it in there anyway. I go to his house, and we hang out and watch a movie 'n stuff. I don't remember if it started that evening or not, but we eventually became friends with benefits. He has been single throughout our entire friendship up until the last several months, but I had been in and out of relationships from the beginning. So we were friends constantly, and hung out regularly, but when I was single, we'd also through a bit of sex into the mix. I think part of the reason I fell so hard for Mat is because he was "my person". (If you watch Grey's Anatomy, you should get that reference. :tongue: ). I told him everything. He knows everything about me. I've never held back when telling him anything about my life, my relationships, or my feelings/emotions. He knows it all. He's the only person I've ever really had like that in my life. For some reason, I've always been afraid that others would judge me... and I was also always afraid of being viewed as weak or vulnerable. Growing up, I was always the person that people would come to with their problems. I was the strong one. And there was something about Mat that made me feel comfortable enough to share all my shit with him. I don't know what it is, but when I'm talking with him, I can let it all out, and I know that he'll still be my friend and respect me. He won't think I'm weak, and he won't take advantage of me. I think this is precisely what allowed me to fall in love with him. For a long time, I didn't realize how much I cared for him. I thought it was just a crush. Boy, was I wrong. Every guy I ever dated got compared to Mat (and he and I never really officially "dated"... just FWB). No guy ever compared to him, but they were good enough for the time being... Mr. "Right Now" if you will. But none of them were Mr. Right, and I knew that in my heart of hearts. But I was always too afraid to tell Mat how I felt. He was single for a reason. Shortly before he and I met, he had gotten completely heartbroken by a woman that he had spent four years of his life with. Mat isn't the type to show a lot of emotion, but when he talked about her, you could hear the pain... it was terrible. I felt so bad for him. He chose to stay single. Part of him was still trapped in that relationship. He wasn't ready to move on. I knew that. I knew that if I told him how I felt, it wouldn't make a damn difference because he still had something emotional going with his ex. I also knew that I wasn't really his type. So I never told him. I just kept on my search for a guy who would compare to Mat.
About a year and a half ago, my (now ex) and I were having problems. We had been together for about 2 1/2 years I suppose... but we were very distant. We argued constantly, we weren't having sex anymore, it was really just pretty shitty. Mat and I started talking online one night, and he asked how my boyfriend and I were doing, so I told him the truth about how bad it was... and it just hit me - how in love I was with Mat. I started crying (thank God we were online). From that point on, he was all I could think about. I still tried to work things out with my boyfriend, but it was somewhat half-hearted. I thought that if I felt so incredibly strong about Mat, then how could I possibly be with another guy? It wouldn't be fair to me or him, really. So I finally put my boyfriend out of his misery and made him my ex. But I still never stopped thinking about Mat. I wanted him so badly. I was tired of the shitty relationships. I just wanted to be with him. Completely and totally. But I was still afraid to tell him.
Every time we talked online, I cried. Every time he invited me to his house, I found some reason to decline. Every time he sent me an invite to view his web cam (not for sexual purposes, mind you), I would accept it so he wouldn't get mad or start asking questions... but I would have it in the background behind other windows so I wouldn't have to see his face. Seeing his face made it worse. Hearing his voice made it worse. I finally decided that I had to tell him. It was getting too hard to function on a daily basis. I thought about him constantly (at least, that's how it felt). So I sent him a really long email about how I felt. I didn't leave out anything. I sent the email off, and awaited a response - if there was to be one. After about three days of nothing, Mat gets online one night. He IM's me, and we start talking. Neither of us mentioned the email for a while, then I finally said something about it... I asked him if he had received it. He said that he had, but he didn't know what to say about it. That was basically all I needed to hear anyway.
So as of this moment, it's been about two years since I have actually seen my best friend. He lives three minutes from me and I haven't seen him in two fucking years. (Because of the problems my ex and I were having, I had already gone about 6 months without seeing Mat before I had my 'revelation' about him. My ex knew about the history between Mat and I, and he wasn't really comfortable with us hanging out.) Now here is my problem.
I've actually gotten fairly comfortable with how things are going with Mat and I. We talk online a lot. He hasn't sent me an invite to his web cam in a long time, so I haven't had to deal with that. We don't ever really talk on the phone. So I get to have my best friend without having to worry about the emotion... and if I do break down and start crying while talking to him, it's not that big of a deal because it's only on the internet and he won't ever know. It's perfect for me right now. My problem is, what do I do if he moves? I mean, he's already been giving me shit about how long it's been since we've hung out... every time he gets online, he asks me about it. But if he decides to move, I know he's going to want to see me to say goodbye. If I go to see him to say goodbye, I'm going to be an emotional wreck. I'm starting to cry already just thinking about how bad it would be for me. I don't want to let him go. But if I don't say goodbye, he'll be so incredibly angry with me... and he'll have every right to be.
What the fuck and I going to do?
I've spent months trying to deny the fact that he is in a relationship with someone other than me, but I guess I'm eventually going to have to face that fact. Ugh. I'm gonna go cry now. :frown1: