This journey was originally posted on the "other" site. Some of you may have read it, others not. You may be wondering why I'm bringing it over here. My answer is simple: I am not a member over there any longer, "journalising" my journey has proven to be helpful to me...and I sincerely hope that it will help others who find themselves to be in the same position that I found myself to be in, but above all else, because one member over here found it to be of value and has encouraged me to bring it here...so to her I say: Thank you for making all of this worthwhile. And don't look around and pretend to be innocent, we both know that it's you that I'm talking about. :wink:
I will use my original post to create the backdrop against which I will share the remainder of my journey, my entries will change after that...for various reasons, most especially because I am not the same person as I was when I first started out.
The beautiful part about nightfall is the promise of tomorrow’s sunrise. As the shadows overtake the world (as experienced during the day), everything fades into varying hues of grey, which finally turns into black.
I remember as a child that I was often frozen by my fear and confusion when confronted by a room swallowed up by the darkness; how a dressing gown draped over a chair was often mistaken to be the boogeyman; and how such confrontations often ended up with me being in a puddle of tears. Such has been my journey over the past five months: Greys. Darkness. Confusion. Fear. Tears. Many, many tears!
You see, I met a man and we hit it off immediately. Within a day we had become friends. By the end of the week, we had become very good friends. We had so much in common and it was so easy to communicate with each other - it felt as if we had always known each other. By the time that we had opened our eyes, it was too late. We had fallen in love with each other. “So, what’s the big deal?” You may be wondering. Add the fact that both of us are married into the mix and things end up becoming pretty complicated. The fact that we hadn’t flirted with each other or crossed any boundaries made it even more confusing, because how is it possible that we ended up being where we found ourselves at?
Our level of honesty was at such a high level that we immediately acknowledged that we had developed feelings for each other. We agreed that we had no intention of cheating on our wives and so we were both unwilling to wind up becoming lovers. I admitted that if I had never crossed paths with him, I would have been happy and fulfilled in my marriage. I made it clear that if I had to choose between him and my wife, I’d pick my wife without a doubt in my mind…and I expected nothing less than that from him as well. We were acutely aware of the responsibility that lay on our shoulders in making the right decisions because we weren’t the only two people in the equation – there were wives and children as well. The slightest mistake could wreak devastation on innocent lives.
The cry of that day has echoed every day throughout my existence for quite some time: “Why did this have to happen when all that I was looking for was to become friends with him?” These additional emotions have felt like a curse plaguing my life day after day from sunrise to sunset. I have had nothing but the bitter taste of guilt in my mouth because I have felt like being nothing more than a Pandora’s Box in his life.
“How did this happen?” Was a question that I asked myself. It didn’t take long for the answer to hit me full on in the face. “I’m bisexual.” In the past I’ve spoken about being bisexual…to an extent: “It’s on my emotional side. You see I’m more sensitive and creative etc than your average guy.” It has been a song that I have sung and a dance that I have danced to, yet somehow it all rang very hollow deep within my being. Perhaps I was in denial. Perhaps I was so dense that I made a rock look like a rocket scientist. Perhaps I was just a plain old hypocrite. It may be one of those reasons, it may be all of those reasons. In all honesty, I really do not know how I wound up being taken by surprise, but I was.
My decision to claim all of myself for me was very short lived…as in, it only lasted for a couple of hours. Then the reality of it dawned on me and I was not prepared for it. I was devastated, confused and overwhelmed. I felt afraid, depressed and suicidal. I didn’t know where to start or how to end. I looked into the mirror and saw a freak, a fraud and a misfit. I was plagued with questions like, “Who am I?” “How could I have done this to my wife?” “Did I intentionally mislead her?” The most overwhelming and heartwrenching question of all was: “How does this impact her life?” I believed that at the very moment when I said, “I do” I had instantaneously destroyed her life and any chance of her having a happy and fulfilling future.
Cue: A glass of freshly squeezed razor blades!
