Discovery

So, thru much time spent in therapy, I've gotten to the point where I can examine who / what I am a little better and cope. I was never "mighty", but the phrase "How the mighty have fallen" is very apropos. Many of the situations I'm in are direct results of my issues. I guess that can be said for anyone. I don't know what I was thinking over the years, but man...I need to go back in time and slap the shit outta me.

I think the thing that stings the most is that I'm not the type of person I thought I was. After examining my past behavior...well...I'm considerably disappointed in myself. I once was proud of that behavior, now I hang my head in shame. I don't know what to do. My relationship is a symptom of the overall problem. While I'd love to hold my bf accountable for all of our problems, I realize that that just isn't true.

It's been so long that I've just travelled thru life being a drone. I'm not really living. I'm just doing what I'm told and going along with everything around me. And I'm miserable.

All that and more in hand, I've got to figure out how to pull through this. I've had too many people say they wished I'd have killed myself when I tried. Getting this straight is going to be really hard. Noone around me really gets the extent of how bad this bipolar messes with me. Most people blame me for the chemical imbalance in my head. I'm not sure how I can be responsible for my biology though.

In any event, here I am. I can only ask one serious question now. "Now what?"

Comments

I think that self discovery is a long road for most for us. Just knowing that you a have a problem is the first step. You have be the ACTIVE FORCE in changing your behavior. Take yourself out of yourself and start to view your life and behavior through other people's eyes. You'll be able to see yourself in a different light, be it dim or bright.

Thinking about your actions before you act could help you out a lot. Good luck at finding your "now what."
 
Hi
realize that the chemical imbalance is not your fault at all & you are allowed to think what you want to. But letting that thought out to others may not get the response your looking for which i think you know that any way.

when people don't know how to cope with others that may not think the same way and if that is a continual thing they often think it would just be eyser for that person not to be around, so you get the comments like you say you got from them, But i bet if they knew how to cope with you then it would be different.

I understand to some small extent that it must be a complete night mare for you to have to live though this bipolar condition but remember it probably is for those around you too, & also you are not doing anything wrong in the way you think ( your allowed to think what ever the hell you want just like we all are allowed ) but rather see the problem as what is "socially acceptable" and what is not, I know that there are differences in what is and what is not acceptable, some will say oh that fine others will not which makes it hard, but here is a start for you.

Try having a "stop word" by this i mean some word or phrase that you setup in you mind as a trigger to know that what you are doing or saying is not "socially acceptable" the only problem with it is that you will need some one you trust even if they don't make sense to you all the time, if you have a person like that talk with them about and see if they are will to help you out a bit. Pick some small thing that seems to get you into "trouble" and both of you try this, when your with that friend and they see or hear that thing you have agreed to work on trust them to use the word or phrase, after when alone with them let them ex plane why they used the "stop word" you may find that it does not make sense to you why at 1st or maybe never but what it does do is it helps you to start to recognize when things are about to go wrong for you and after some practice you will be able to ( even if you don't see the reason )over come many things and be able to have relationships that can survive - but it takes time.

you may already be doing some thing like this, if not talk it over with the the therapy fellows and see what they have to say, they may have better ways of help, I think the main thing is to remember we all think differently and do things differently, lastly i ask this question, is it reasonable to think that if we both talked in different lingo's that to communicate we both would have to learn a little of each others lingo? and does that have to change the way we think?
these are only idea's and i may be wrong or they may not be what can help, but I'm sure your therapist can or has started to look at ways to help you talk the "socially acceptable" lingo.

Good luck mate.
 

Blog entry information

Author
Kimahri
Read time
2 min read
Views
206
Comments
2
Last update

More entries in General

More entries from Kimahri

Share this entry