So, thru much time spent in therapy, I've gotten to the point where I can examine who / what I am a little better and cope. I was never "mighty", but the phrase "How the mighty have fallen" is very apropos. Many of the situations I'm in are direct results of my issues. I guess that can be said for anyone. I don't know what I was thinking over the years, but man...I need to go back in time and slap the shit outta me.
I think the thing that stings the most is that I'm not the type of person I thought I was. After examining my past behavior...well...I'm considerably disappointed in myself. I once was proud of that behavior, now I hang my head in shame. I don't know what to do. My relationship is a symptom of the overall problem. While I'd love to hold my bf accountable for all of our problems, I realize that that just isn't true.
It's been so long that I've just travelled thru life being a drone. I'm not really living. I'm just doing what I'm told and going along with everything around me. And I'm miserable.
All that and more in hand, I've got to figure out how to pull through this. I've had too many people say they wished I'd have killed myself when I tried. Getting this straight is going to be really hard. Noone around me really gets the extent of how bad this bipolar messes with me. Most people blame me for the chemical imbalance in my head. I'm not sure how I can be responsible for my biology though.
In any event, here I am. I can only ask one serious question now. "Now what?"
I think the thing that stings the most is that I'm not the type of person I thought I was. After examining my past behavior...well...I'm considerably disappointed in myself. I once was proud of that behavior, now I hang my head in shame. I don't know what to do. My relationship is a symptom of the overall problem. While I'd love to hold my bf accountable for all of our problems, I realize that that just isn't true.
It's been so long that I've just travelled thru life being a drone. I'm not really living. I'm just doing what I'm told and going along with everything around me. And I'm miserable.
All that and more in hand, I've got to figure out how to pull through this. I've had too many people say they wished I'd have killed myself when I tried. Getting this straight is going to be really hard. Noone around me really gets the extent of how bad this bipolar messes with me. Most people blame me for the chemical imbalance in my head. I'm not sure how I can be responsible for my biology though.
In any event, here I am. I can only ask one serious question now. "Now what?"