Does Freedom Come With a Price? (Part 1)

We've all heard the saying, “If you love someone set them free. If they come back it’s meant to be….”. I've heard it so often that whenever I now hear it, I can’t help but roll my eyes and sigh. In my mind I finish it off with, “...and if they don’t….hunt them down and kill them.” Most times I find myself distracted by my attempt to conceal the ensuing grin while the person proceeds to try to explain this truth to me.

But what if there is a need to set someone free? What if there doesn't seem to be any other way? What if it appears to be the best option? These are some of the questions that I have grappled with since last weekend until finally, on Monday afternoon I sat Mrs. biguy down and suggested that we start to have some very serious discussions with a view of us filing for a divorce. Yes, you heard me right, divorce.

Have things been bad between us? No, in fact it's been the complete opposite of that...things have been good, great, magnificent. There haven't been any fights, we are still madly in love with each other and our marriage couldn't be any better. "So, then why?" you must be asking yourself. Let me explain...

My depression and subsequent thoughts about bisexual men cheating on their wives has been gnawing away at me, though it's predominantly been on a subconscious level. Over the course of last weekend, I came to realise that it's been in the back of my mind from the moment that I realised that I am bisexual; I also came to realise that since then, I have been walking on eggshells with a sense of having an axe hanging over my head, ready to fall at any moment.

EagleCowboy made me realise this and so much more, through some of the discussions that we've had. I was amazed at how observant he is because one of the very first things that he pointed out to me is that I am being a control freak. In fact, it almost became a mantra over the whole weekend:

"You're being a control freak...Stop being a control freak...If you don't stop...."

But it didn't end there, these words were followed with, "At some stage you're going to act out on your bisexuality and your being a control freak is going to make things worse."

And this was followed by the worst part of it all, "...and you need to prepare yourself because it may just lead to divorce."

At first my response (to myself) was one of (and forgive me buddy): "Yada, yada, yada...I'm an emotional and monogamous bisexual." Did he give it a rest? NO! (grin) He was persistent with his warning and I started to feel as if I was starting to buckle under his persistence. I decided to myself that if he didn't stop with it by the end of the weekend, I'd be forced to ask him to.

However, unfortunately (yet fortunately) I threw a spanner into the works. My gay friend (let's call him Simon) suffers from low self esteem among other issues as a result of his being rejected by the gay community (or his sense of it). He took a giant leap in the direction of us having a real life friendship by emailing a photo of himself to me. I was both excited but surprised. He has expressed that he isn't physically attracted, however the photograph said otherwise. So I emailed him and let him know. He replied with the words, "Marry Me?" It was a joke but after chuckling to myself, I realised that with it came the risk that he may also take what I'd told him just as lightly.

By this stage of the game, we have reached a place of being open and honest about anything and everything without any fear of scaring the other away. I told him exactly what I've told Mrs. biguy and some of my friends. "If I were single and gay (gay because my being bi complicates things so much), I'd have broken down your door long ago. I've said it before I'd seen your photo and I am saying it now that I know what you look like". I also drew his attention to the fact that I am not in love with him. And no, it isn't denial either. I really am not in love with him. I love him deeply, but as if he were my own flesh and blood.
(all of this took place on Sunday, btw)

I hadn't heard from him all day but it didn't concern me because I know him well enough to know that he was thinking reflecting on my response. Good!

On Monday morning, as expected, there was an email waiting from him to greet me. He told me that he was flattered - no one had ever complimented him in that manner (how sad!) and he continues to be taken aback by all of the care that I've shown him since we'd first met. He acknowledged that he also isn't in love with me, BUT...

He admits that he is starting to care for me as a friend, and with this amount of kindness, he's afraid that he may someday fall in love with me...possibly even "want me". He wants my friendship but he doesn't want to ruin my marriage. He then wanted to know if I wouldn't be better off if I befriended someone in the same boat as me.

In that instant, everything hit me at once: My fears since coming out, my thoughts about bi men cheating on their wives, everything that EagleCowboy had to say; I could feel the control freak in me surface etc. My fears raged and overpowered me to the point where I thought that I'd need to run to the bathroom and throw up. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach - it felt like it was in a knot. In the midst of it all, I realised that as good as life as been between Mrs. biguy and myself, I have not been living. I have existed purely to control and do damage control. Period. I realised that I couldn't live in fear any longer; I needed to live fully but I couldn't unless the fear had been addressed.

Now, EagleCowboy must be psychic (or he's got a spycam) because just before I had read Simon's letter, I had read his, and he had told me that since the control freak in me won't back down, perhaps I ought to put "him" to use. I must put "him" in charge of my fears in order to ensure that they're been addressed constructively. A huge blessing in disguise. Mr Control Freak kicked in and addressed my fears.

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He (Mr Control Freak) started off by giving them a voice. I allowed them to be expressed in my response to Simon. I told him that regardless of whether he were gay, straight or bi, nothing could change my desire to be his friend or the care that I have for him. But as I wrote, I got more and more fed up with my situation that I'm in because of my being bi.

I told him that. I also told him that worst case scenario (I always paint bleak pictures when I'm in doubt in order to make sure that any problems that may surface have been avoided): One day for some unknown reason, we'll slip up. HOWEVER, it would have to happen during a time of great weakness because I know him for who he is and the values that he ascribes by. On my side, after knowing how painful his journey has been for God alone knows how long, there is no way in hell that I'd allow the amount of confusion and pain that my bisexuality would bring into his life to take place. But let's say that it still happens...

I would deeply regret that I had brought that amount of baggage into his life and I would also know that it would be the beginning of the end of our friendship...and no orgasm is worth that in the long run. On my wife's side, I'd be sad that it had happened but I wouldn't feel guilty. (Bear in mind my fingers were flying on the keyboard). I did a double take. "What did I just say?" I thought. WTF? I realised that I wouldn't feel guilty because I know it would have come from a place of love, deep true love and a desire to want to give ourselves to each other in that way. I also came to see that I wouldn't feel guilty because it wasn't a conscious decision and it came from what I am. It wouldn't have happened if I was straight. I am bi and that impacts me in so many ways.

I concluded by telling him that if it in fact were to ever happen and it led to my getting divorced, it would NOT be because of him...and it would not be because of me. It would be because of what I am. Period. I know what values we hold in our hearts. My being bisexual above all else would lead me to a place of getting divorced. I strongly suggested that he spends time with what I had to say and to realise that he need not be concerned about me or any thing related with my getting divorced, it has nothing to do with him in the sense of him not being being the cause of it; instead, he needs to worry about himself. I spelled out what risks there are with my being bisexual, I pointed out to him that there was a good chance that it would lead to much pain and disappointment. I showed him that I know, truly know, that if I had known that I had been bi before getting married, I'd most probably still be single today. It's just so unfair a reality to impose upon the life on another, especially when you love them so much. If I were to get married, it would be with another bisexual person because there'd be an even playing field. I told him to be harsh in his analysis and reflection and if it led him to not want to continue with our friendship, I would respect and understand his decison in all entirety.

I somehow get the feeling that you now know why I suggested that we consider filing for a divorce...

...oh yes, and please (this time I'm remembering to warn you) don't be concerned...there is a happy ending. I just need to find time to make an entry about it.
 
I just want you to be happy all the way around, whatever decision you make won't be the wrong one. There are many here who will say, oh you can't do that,your'e married! uhuh and?........
Do whatever makes you feel good, and right with your world.
I have faith in you.
C.B.:saevil:
 
I have to side with cigarbabe. The "rules" were made to be broken and who's to say you can't write a whole new book of rules? EagleCowboy is a flipping genius and I remember that the more I read his posts. You are also learning the one thing I had to learn. It is much easier to worry and care for others than it is to worry and care for ourselves.

I know there is a happy ending to this, I just want you to find it on your own terms, unpersecuted, and untethered by duty or Mr. Control Freak.
 
HI Biguy -
I am sorry to hear that divorce from the mrs. is on the table. Also sorry to hear that control issues are in play.
You are so thorough and open about sharing your thoughts in a fluid manner. I would love to be able to address them and share my thoughts at greater length, but just at present I am falling asleep and so now is not a good time.
Just a quicky - the whole control thing stands out to me. While I exercise my control issues, I do so towards myself in the form of anorexia because I was brought up in such a control freak environment and bridle at the slightest blush of that.
I have no understanding of what makes a person want to control another person in any way. While I want people to be completely and entirely themselves, when they behave badly or inappropriately toward me (and they are being honest and entirely themselves) I have to say "Stand Back".
I am also sorry to know that you are dealing with/battling/experiencing depression. While I am familiar by proxy, I have never experienced or known this outside of circumstantial depression when I have felt depressed by the cause or outcome of any given event. Once it has been cleared up I am fine. So I suppose it is not really depression but closer to anxiety.
Anyway - I wish that you were not having such a difficult time. I encourage you to keep talking and sharing and being open about things.
Not only is it cathartic for you but it is also helpful to us and those that read it. You hang in there my friend. Be in touch with me if you like. I am happy to listen!
 
Boy, you don't have to divorce her. You have to talk with her. You have to work things out that is all. There are NO GUARANTEES that EVEN a relationship with a man will last. It sure didn't with me.
The grass is not greener.
 
Once again, thank you so much for your support, care and very kind words. I am deeply touched by it.

Yes, on Monday night I suggested that my wife takes time to decide if divorce may not be a better option for her. It is not about my being free enough to have sex with men (though we have spent a lot of time talking about it) - it IS however because I have a constant sense of having given her a raw deal; about knowing that I am but a frail man and with my being bi on top of it, it may end with me "slipping up" or even realising that I need to have a deep, loving, sexual relationship with a man - being deeply aware and concerned about it and knowing that I would never place such a demand upon her life; about knowing how easily she can have pain and devastation brought upon her and my NEED to try to protect her from it all; about offering her the brutal truth, painting the bleakest picture for her so that she is able to make informed decisions about what is best for her; and for me to do this and give myself permission to start living instead of suppressing my bisexuality out of fear of hurting her.

On the upside, I showed her that if it is a viable option for her, we will be able to go through life with the comfort of knowing that it took place out of immense love and a commitment to the happiness and fulfillment of the other.

However, as I said in my entry:

:smile: THERE IS A HAPPY ENDING :smile:

...I just need to find the time to write it down - hopefully it will happen by this evening.
 
What has changed is that you now say you, "need to have a deep, loving, sexual relationship..." where before it was just a deep emotional relationship.

As I said before, all hinges on your wife. There are unconventional marriages, many more than you'd imagine, where there are multiple partners involved to one degree or another. When these are successful, it's because honesty is allowed to prevail over everything else. You wife may be open to this or she may not.

The key is that you follow what is honest for you. Anything else is living a lie.

Eaglecowboy is a hidden treasure on this board and I'm so glad you've gotten to know him. He's something close to brilliant in his insight. :wink:
 
Sorry Jase, I think that you misunderstood what I was saying. I said:

"I am but a frail man and with my being bi on top of it, it may end with me "slipping up" or even realising that I need to have a deep, loving, sexual relationship with a man"

(and please, it's not as if I'm trying to argue it away but I need to clarify things because I am speaking about where I am at today, right here and right now.

What I was trying to say is that I am a frail man which means that I could "slip up". I am a frail man, I don't have all of the answers and this is fairly early in my journey so who knows where I may end up? I may even end up needing a deep, loving, sexual relationship. I have realised that I have been afraid and it's led to my being a control freak. I do not know the extent of my controlling. I acknowledge to myself that perhaps my saying that I'm an emotional and alternating bisexual could have come from a place of fear and not certainty. I don't know. There is a lot of things that remain to be learnt or discovered by me. I cannot ignore this fact nor can I ignore the fact the risks that my wife takes by being with me.
 

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