We've all heard the saying, “If you love someone set them free. If they come back it’s meant to be….”. I've heard it so often that whenever I now hear it, I can’t help but roll my eyes and sigh. In my mind I finish it off with, “...and if they don’t….hunt them down and kill them.” Most times I find myself distracted by my attempt to conceal the ensuing grin while the person proceeds to try to explain this truth to me.
But what if there is a need to set someone free? What if there doesn't seem to be any other way? What if it appears to be the best option? These are some of the questions that I have grappled with since last weekend until finally, on Monday afternoon I sat Mrs. biguy down and suggested that we start to have some very serious discussions with a view of us filing for a divorce. Yes, you heard me right, divorce.
Have things been bad between us? No, in fact it's been the complete opposite of that...things have been good, great, magnificent. There haven't been any fights, we are still madly in love with each other and our marriage couldn't be any better. "So, then why?" you must be asking yourself. Let me explain...
My depression and subsequent thoughts about bisexual men cheating on their wives has been gnawing away at me, though it's predominantly been on a subconscious level. Over the course of last weekend, I came to realise that it's been in the back of my mind from the moment that I realised that I am bisexual; I also came to realise that since then, I have been walking on eggshells with a sense of having an axe hanging over my head, ready to fall at any moment.
EagleCowboy made me realise this and so much more, through some of the discussions that we've had. I was amazed at how observant he is because one of the very first things that he pointed out to me is that I am being a control freak. In fact, it almost became a mantra over the whole weekend:
"You're being a control freak...Stop being a control freak...If you don't stop...."
But it didn't end there, these words were followed with, "At some stage you're going to act out on your bisexuality and your being a control freak is going to make things worse."
And this was followed by the worst part of it all, "...and you need to prepare yourself because it may just lead to divorce."
At first my response (to myself) was one of (and forgive me buddy): "Yada, yada, yada...I'm an emotional and monogamous bisexual." Did he give it a rest? NO! (grin) He was persistent with his warning and I started to feel as if I was starting to buckle under his persistence. I decided to myself that if he didn't stop with it by the end of the weekend, I'd be forced to ask him to.
However, unfortunately (yet fortunately) I threw a spanner into the works. My gay friend (let's call him Simon) suffers from low self esteem among other issues as a result of his being rejected by the gay community (or his sense of it). He took a giant leap in the direction of us having a real life friendship by emailing a photo of himself to me. I was both excited but surprised. He has expressed that he isn't physically attracted, however the photograph said otherwise. So I emailed him and let him know. He replied with the words, "Marry Me?" It was a joke but after chuckling to myself, I realised that with it came the risk that he may also take what I'd told him just as lightly.
By this stage of the game, we have reached a place of being open and honest about anything and everything without any fear of scaring the other away. I told him exactly what I've told Mrs. biguy and some of my friends. "If I were single and gay (gay because my being bi complicates things so much), I'd have broken down your door long ago. I've said it before I'd seen your photo and I am saying it now that I know what you look like". I also drew his attention to the fact that I am not in love with him. And no, it isn't denial either. I really am not in love with him. I love him deeply, but as if he were my own flesh and blood.
(all of this took place on Sunday, btw)
I hadn't heard from him all day but it didn't concern me because I know him well enough to know that he was thinking reflecting on my response. Good!
On Monday morning, as expected, there was an email waiting from him to greet me. He told me that he was flattered - no one had ever complimented him in that manner (how sad!) and he continues to be taken aback by all of the care that I've shown him since we'd first met. He acknowledged that he also isn't in love with me, BUT...
He admits that he is starting to care for me as a friend, and with this amount of kindness, he's afraid that he may someday fall in love with me...possibly even "want me". He wants my friendship but he doesn't want to ruin my marriage. He then wanted to know if I wouldn't be better off if I befriended someone in the same boat as me.
In that instant, everything hit me at once: My fears since coming out, my thoughts about bi men cheating on their wives, everything that EagleCowboy had to say; I could feel the control freak in me surface etc. My fears raged and overpowered me to the point where I thought that I'd need to run to the bathroom and throw up. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach - it felt like it was in a knot. In the midst of it all, I realised that as good as life as been between Mrs. biguy and myself, I have not been living. I have existed purely to control and do damage control. Period. I realised that I couldn't live in fear any longer; I needed to live fully but I couldn't unless the fear had been addressed.
Now, EagleCowboy must be psychic (or he's got a spycam) because just before I had read Simon's letter, I had read his, and he had told me that since the control freak in me won't back down, perhaps I ought to put "him" to use. I must put "him" in charge of my fears in order to ensure that they're been addressed constructively. A huge blessing in disguise. Mr Control Freak kicked in and addressed my fears.
But what if there is a need to set someone free? What if there doesn't seem to be any other way? What if it appears to be the best option? These are some of the questions that I have grappled with since last weekend until finally, on Monday afternoon I sat Mrs. biguy down and suggested that we start to have some very serious discussions with a view of us filing for a divorce. Yes, you heard me right, divorce.
Have things been bad between us? No, in fact it's been the complete opposite of that...things have been good, great, magnificent. There haven't been any fights, we are still madly in love with each other and our marriage couldn't be any better. "So, then why?" you must be asking yourself. Let me explain...
My depression and subsequent thoughts about bisexual men cheating on their wives has been gnawing away at me, though it's predominantly been on a subconscious level. Over the course of last weekend, I came to realise that it's been in the back of my mind from the moment that I realised that I am bisexual; I also came to realise that since then, I have been walking on eggshells with a sense of having an axe hanging over my head, ready to fall at any moment.
EagleCowboy made me realise this and so much more, through some of the discussions that we've had. I was amazed at how observant he is because one of the very first things that he pointed out to me is that I am being a control freak. In fact, it almost became a mantra over the whole weekend:
"You're being a control freak...Stop being a control freak...If you don't stop...."
But it didn't end there, these words were followed with, "At some stage you're going to act out on your bisexuality and your being a control freak is going to make things worse."
And this was followed by the worst part of it all, "...and you need to prepare yourself because it may just lead to divorce."
At first my response (to myself) was one of (and forgive me buddy): "Yada, yada, yada...I'm an emotional and monogamous bisexual." Did he give it a rest? NO! (grin) He was persistent with his warning and I started to feel as if I was starting to buckle under his persistence. I decided to myself that if he didn't stop with it by the end of the weekend, I'd be forced to ask him to.
However, unfortunately (yet fortunately) I threw a spanner into the works. My gay friend (let's call him Simon) suffers from low self esteem among other issues as a result of his being rejected by the gay community (or his sense of it). He took a giant leap in the direction of us having a real life friendship by emailing a photo of himself to me. I was both excited but surprised. He has expressed that he isn't physically attracted, however the photograph said otherwise. So I emailed him and let him know. He replied with the words, "Marry Me?" It was a joke but after chuckling to myself, I realised that with it came the risk that he may also take what I'd told him just as lightly.
By this stage of the game, we have reached a place of being open and honest about anything and everything without any fear of scaring the other away. I told him exactly what I've told Mrs. biguy and some of my friends. "If I were single and gay (gay because my being bi complicates things so much), I'd have broken down your door long ago. I've said it before I'd seen your photo and I am saying it now that I know what you look like". I also drew his attention to the fact that I am not in love with him. And no, it isn't denial either. I really am not in love with him. I love him deeply, but as if he were my own flesh and blood.
(all of this took place on Sunday, btw)
I hadn't heard from him all day but it didn't concern me because I know him well enough to know that he was thinking reflecting on my response. Good!
On Monday morning, as expected, there was an email waiting from him to greet me. He told me that he was flattered - no one had ever complimented him in that manner (how sad!) and he continues to be taken aback by all of the care that I've shown him since we'd first met. He acknowledged that he also isn't in love with me, BUT...
He admits that he is starting to care for me as a friend, and with this amount of kindness, he's afraid that he may someday fall in love with me...possibly even "want me". He wants my friendship but he doesn't want to ruin my marriage. He then wanted to know if I wouldn't be better off if I befriended someone in the same boat as me.
In that instant, everything hit me at once: My fears since coming out, my thoughts about bi men cheating on their wives, everything that EagleCowboy had to say; I could feel the control freak in me surface etc. My fears raged and overpowered me to the point where I thought that I'd need to run to the bathroom and throw up. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach - it felt like it was in a knot. In the midst of it all, I realised that as good as life as been between Mrs. biguy and myself, I have not been living. I have existed purely to control and do damage control. Period. I realised that I couldn't live in fear any longer; I needed to live fully but I couldn't unless the fear had been addressed.
Now, EagleCowboy must be psychic (or he's got a spycam) because just before I had read Simon's letter, I had read his, and he had told me that since the control freak in me won't back down, perhaps I ought to put "him" to use. I must put "him" in charge of my fears in order to ensure that they're been addressed constructively. A huge blessing in disguise. Mr Control Freak kicked in and addressed my fears.