Entry Zero (a/k/a #51)

Well.....that was quite an absence! I will provide a short update and a shout out to those who messaged me and said "hey are you alright?" It really made me feel great.

The Past. I think you know this part but COVID-19 really screwed with me. School shut down (no graduation); lost my school-funded on campus job (no money); the dorms shut down (no place to live). Remember -- my mom is basically a meth head nut job (sorry Mom but you know it's true) going home to some mansion with a nice pool like my other fellow Bruins did wasn't an option. No job; no place to live; needing internet for school; I "shacked up" with an older man.

The Shit House. He lives in LA (convenient) and I had my own room (small but fine). I helped around the house (which became more and more cumbersome) and he got to blow me whenever he wanted. That was his thing -- not fucking; just him sucking me. It became fairly taxing (3 times a day, often occurring in the middle of the night when he "roamed"), Things went OK; but he became rougher and more abusive. If I came too quick, he'd complain and hit or slap me. If I couldn't get it up (because it was 3 am and he came rambling in and I was in a deep sleep) he'd knee me in the nuts and walk out. Yes, of course, I'd complain and threaten the next morning to hurt him back and he'd say "move out then. do it now." Ehhhhh, I'd backtrack. Pandemic in full shutdown mode; no jobs; no money (I couldn't get unemployment but did get the $1,200) so I thought "I'll make it work."

Enter the "Married Guy." Later (in May) his "work friend" (whatever that meant) started coming over. Married guy about 45 or so and very hairy. Married guy probably should not be married as he seems to like cock way more than pussy but I stayed out of it. He too got to blow me but he was actually much better at it so I didn't mind as much as maybe I should have. He could take more of my cock and he would rub the part he didn't with his hand so it as a blow-hand job. One problem was I would always cum with him and then Mr. Landlord would want to blow me and it was hard to get hard and "perform" so quickly. But I survived.

School is Wacked. So, school was a disaster. Online course for architecture major? Drafting and design courses on Zoom? Just doesn't work. So I deferred a few courses and now have to do a full year more to graduate (thanks pandemic). We start soon but it is a real mess. Plus, all of LA is on fire so that's nice.

Depression. During the pandemic, I started getting depressed. School was fucked; no money; living with a mean, abusive sex maniac and having "sex" that I didn't enjoy and didn't look forward to. I started smoking too much weed. I started drifting. I started cruising because I just had to get out. I would go for walks showing a bulge in West Hollywood. Guys (some ok; some gross; some sketchy) would stare, give me "the look" and then, if I wanted to, we'd furtively hook up with some oral or jacking somewhere (alley? their apartment if close by? behind a car?). I felt gross and depressed but compelled to do this.

question: did anyone else have just explosive and compulsive sex drive as part of this pandemic? It was liked I was stoned and mega horny the whole time. i'd mess with 4 or 5 guys on a single walk. (not cumming each time of course). I was taking cialis and perpetually erect. I had these meaty, thick, large loads. It was crazy. It was pure hormonal and pure self destruction. It's like I wanted to get caught for public indecency.

Anyway, I decided it was dumb and I was depressed. This behavior started causing The Landlord to be agitated. He didn't know what I was doing, of course, but he was made that I wasn't performing the same way. Plus he didn't like that I was always high.

The Showdown. So this became more of a train wreck each day. In mid-June, Mr. Landlord got called back to work. He wanted me to move out (he said he didn't trust me in his place with him not there). I was super nice and talked him into it (mostly by giving him head and a handjob for the first time ever -- small dick [5"?] and even smaller load but he enjoyed it). But you know how this goes -- I began hooking up with a couple of guys from online at his place. It felt so relieving to meet and have sex with cool guys my age.

But in mid-July, he came home mid-afternoon for some reason. And, well, let me just say this -- he was not happy. A fight broke up and, tired of being his whipping boy, I pretty much knocked him out (remember, I wrestled in high school so I am tougher than it might appear!). For the record and as I told the police and a judge (yup you read that right), he took a swing at me first (he did). But he is old and just a bully and I merely defended myself (two hits to the stomach; a leg kick and a punch to the left jaw which put him out clod). I was not trying to knock him; just make him stop.

The Aftermath. Yes, he did cal the police. Yes, I did get arrested (assault). Yes, they did decline to prosecute after he decided "not to cooperate" because someone was going to have to explain why I was living there in the first place! Justice! But, of course, he kicked me out. Kept much of my stuff.

Nowadays: Living with a friend from school. He has a nice two bedroom condo in Westwood that his parents bought for him and he is letting me stay in the second bedroom. It's not sexual (he is straight) but it is a nice friend.

Next. New photos coming! New stories coming

Thanks. To those of oyu who reached out ot me and worried -- it meant more than you can imagine, Mr. Evil Landlord restricted my access online and would review what I was looking at so I was careful not to out him on here. Message me and ask away -- I love chatting.

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Comments

Glad you have somewhat landed on your feet, my friend. Had a feeling things were not going well, but we are hopeful that the worst is behind you now.

It is not unusual that extreme life changes can cause major physical, psychological, and hormonal affects on humans. If you are not currently taking some sort of medication for depression, you will likely need it to help get you on an even keel, especially to deal with school.

Have your classes started back yet, online or otherwise? Have you asked the University if there is some type of work you can do to help support yourself? Even if not immediately on-campus, they may have leads for other work you can do nearby while you are in school.

Good luck, buddy.
Indy
 
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@Indelicate thanks for the warm words. So I did see a doctor at the UCLA student clinic for my depression. I told him everything. He said it was very common now to experience bouts of depression. He said the "sexual compulsion" was part depression and part my living experience. He recommended a full STD panel (which I am doing but have had no symptoms of anything so he was pretty confident I was ok) but I am doing that this week.

He also recommend a therapist that I have done "zoom" counseling sessions to deal with those sexual issues. Message me and I can tell you how that is going, It is interesting.
 
D
I'm sorry for all your hardships these past few months. That sounds like a really bad time. Hopefully the worse is behind you and can now concentrate on your education again and securing a more stable future.
 
So that's what happenned.

Ironic isn't it? The only public indecency you would get caught for is not wearing a mask.

Hell of a way to get new material for your blog. Be strong.
 
Well Calboy, there is ample evidence that you're pretty smart.
(Architecture and this blog for starters)
In the movie Molly Flanders, she says" May you never have to be in a situation where your choices are to be a good person or survive. All of us will choose survival"
You may be broke, but you survived.
Now lets see about finding a way to thrive, instead of survive.
 
Many of us here have been in pretty bad situations in our lives, but most have not been in such a horrible scene as you've been dealing with, this year especially.

Calboy, it seems you have some good friends here willing to be supportive in your life beyond just your appendage. It's up to you what is done with the advice and perspectives provided you.

As RuPaul says, "Don't Fuck It Up".

Yours truly,
Indy
 
wow...that landlord sounds like such a jerk. I love reading this AFTER because I would have been worried if I had known about all this as it was unfolding...like watching a horror movie and screaming at the television "THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME TO GO OUT FOR A WALK IN THE WOODS!"...the college and immediate post college years were awful for me...so I am glad for you things are settling in.

And I get you @Indelicate yet, so much is deeply personal, I have to say with all respect to Ru Paul I really needed to fuck some things up. Actually it was baked in after certain choices were made (or worse, avoided) and people got hurt including myself. When I was learning to ride a bike my dad would run alongside and then let go and it was only a matter of how long before I crashed...I needed to crash until I got it and had balance...same with so many things later on.

The depression is a yet for me...I am referring to what is called clinical depression. Sometimes it seems to be in my peripheral experience...waiting for an opportunity should I let it...but I have (dumb luck) avoided it.
 

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