Eppur Si Muove

I apologise for my head being a giant morass lately. There is so much for me to say and yet I cannot extract an individual thought, translate it into a coherent string of words and segue to the next as I do ordinarily. Thoughts induce others as synapses flash with “add this” or “try this synonym”. Logic and all of its coldness has seemingly relegated to irrelevance. Logic is never irrelevant. I am not usually so readily vanquished by my emotions, but for past nine days … the smallest thing will provoke me into a petulant rage or beget a sorrowful tear.

On two separate occasions last week I published a blog and later deleted it because I began to question the salience of the point I wished to make. A behaviour that is most uncharacteristic of me. God, Stu, where’s your conviction? When did you become so spineless?

The advice of a trusted gay mate helped. He told me that I was strong in so many ways, and yet where my heart was concerned, I was a pushover. In one of the ‘best’ cases of staircase wit I have ever suffered, later that evening I was thinking to myself “as long as she’s pushing me over onto the bed or the couch, I’m fine.” When I start cracking jokes, you know things are OK.

It’s true. I do tend to get routed by girls in the wake of a relationship, but doesn’t everybody go through some sort of grieving process? My emotional fortitude was brought into question this time around as I genuinely liked her. Now, I’m the first to admit that I am pretty resilient, but this cut inexplicably deeper.

It’s funny how the view of an outsider can be the catalyst for change, or in this instance, renewed purpose. It would be unfair to say that I was unhappy with my life as it is; I just needed somebody to slap me and get me to come around.

I’ll make my way through the frozen night and head beyond the blank horizon, not knowing when or if I will return from that place of solace where I can forget you and me for just a little while and get a decent night’s sleep.

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B_stu.kay823
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