I visited Dlist.com today. Just to surf the profiles and check out the guy pics. Several of the guy's profiles that I looked at had an interesting slant to them. These guys thought VERY well of themselves. Almost a barbaric level of self confidence. I wonder how guys manage to have that much self confidence and self love like that?
I can remember a time when I was confident and thought well of myself. I was comfortable with my cock size and general state of physical being. To label myself, I was a fratjock. The only thing was, I didn't have the elitist attitude that is commonly associated with being one. I liked almost everyone.
I can remember when that confidence and self love was shattered. And why I have such a leery attitude towards gay black males. It's not bragging, but I had several guys interested in me when I was younger. One of them...a so called friend...couldn't wait to get in my pants. He couldn't wait so much that one night when he got me trashed and I passed out in this livingroom, he fucked me. The next morning was the worst day of my life as I put two and two together and came up with four as to what happened the night before. It was a sick feeling to know that I'd been violated by someone I thought was a friend. I found out later that he'd received encouragement to do it from his other black gay friends. I set out to beat these people senseless, but I realized that nothing I did would ever change the fact of what happened. That day was the end of me as I knew myself.
My therapist says I see my life in two parts. Before the rape and after the rape. His efforts are trying to reintegrate the two parts to make my mind whole again. I resist out of fear. I'll never be a "fratjock" again, but I can get damn close. I'd like to have a body like so many of the guys here, but I fear what that may bring. So many gay guys are shallow and if I had a body, that'd be the only reason they'd be interested. Just like why that thing happened to me when I was younger.
I don't know what will become of me. I'm 36 and I have so little love and self confidence. I'll fight to try and recover, but I'll never be the same. I've tried to find guys that have been thru the same to get support, but they either don't exist or are not willing to admit that something like that has happened to them.
It's funny how "safe" I feel here at LPSG. I've been treated well. Noone cares a lot about the details. Just accepted for who I present myself to be. I admited a seriously personal thing here. Parly in the hopes of finding another survivor. Partly in hopes to find someone to talk to. The bf is useless in things like this, so I turn to the only places I know.
I can remember a time when I was confident and thought well of myself. I was comfortable with my cock size and general state of physical being. To label myself, I was a fratjock. The only thing was, I didn't have the elitist attitude that is commonly associated with being one. I liked almost everyone.
I can remember when that confidence and self love was shattered. And why I have such a leery attitude towards gay black males. It's not bragging, but I had several guys interested in me when I was younger. One of them...a so called friend...couldn't wait to get in my pants. He couldn't wait so much that one night when he got me trashed and I passed out in this livingroom, he fucked me. The next morning was the worst day of my life as I put two and two together and came up with four as to what happened the night before. It was a sick feeling to know that I'd been violated by someone I thought was a friend. I found out later that he'd received encouragement to do it from his other black gay friends. I set out to beat these people senseless, but I realized that nothing I did would ever change the fact of what happened. That day was the end of me as I knew myself.
My therapist says I see my life in two parts. Before the rape and after the rape. His efforts are trying to reintegrate the two parts to make my mind whole again. I resist out of fear. I'll never be a "fratjock" again, but I can get damn close. I'd like to have a body like so many of the guys here, but I fear what that may bring. So many gay guys are shallow and if I had a body, that'd be the only reason they'd be interested. Just like why that thing happened to me when I was younger.
I don't know what will become of me. I'm 36 and I have so little love and self confidence. I'll fight to try and recover, but I'll never be the same. I've tried to find guys that have been thru the same to get support, but they either don't exist or are not willing to admit that something like that has happened to them.
It's funny how "safe" I feel here at LPSG. I've been treated well. Noone cares a lot about the details. Just accepted for who I present myself to be. I admited a seriously personal thing here. Parly in the hopes of finding another survivor. Partly in hopes to find someone to talk to. The bf is useless in things like this, so I turn to the only places I know.