Esteem and self confidence

I visited Dlist.com today. Just to surf the profiles and check out the guy pics. Several of the guy's profiles that I looked at had an interesting slant to them. These guys thought VERY well of themselves. Almost a barbaric level of self confidence. I wonder how guys manage to have that much self confidence and self love like that?

I can remember a time when I was confident and thought well of myself. I was comfortable with my cock size and general state of physical being. To label myself, I was a fratjock. The only thing was, I didn't have the elitist attitude that is commonly associated with being one. I liked almost everyone.

I can remember when that confidence and self love was shattered. And why I have such a leery attitude towards gay black males. It's not bragging, but I had several guys interested in me when I was younger. One of them...a so called friend...couldn't wait to get in my pants. He couldn't wait so much that one night when he got me trashed and I passed out in this livingroom, he fucked me. The next morning was the worst day of my life as I put two and two together and came up with four as to what happened the night before. It was a sick feeling to know that I'd been violated by someone I thought was a friend. I found out later that he'd received encouragement to do it from his other black gay friends. I set out to beat these people senseless, but I realized that nothing I did would ever change the fact of what happened. That day was the end of me as I knew myself.

My therapist says I see my life in two parts. Before the rape and after the rape. His efforts are trying to reintegrate the two parts to make my mind whole again. I resist out of fear. I'll never be a "fratjock" again, but I can get damn close. I'd like to have a body like so many of the guys here, but I fear what that may bring. So many gay guys are shallow and if I had a body, that'd be the only reason they'd be interested. Just like why that thing happened to me when I was younger.

I don't know what will become of me. I'm 36 and I have so little love and self confidence. I'll fight to try and recover, but I'll never be the same. I've tried to find guys that have been thru the same to get support, but they either don't exist or are not willing to admit that something like that has happened to them.

It's funny how "safe" I feel here at LPSG. I've been treated well. Noone cares a lot about the details. Just accepted for who I present myself to be. I admited a seriously personal thing here. Parly in the hopes of finding another survivor. Partly in hopes to find someone to talk to. The bf is useless in things like this, so I turn to the only places I know.

Comments

I'm one of those guys who lacks self-love and self-confidence and struggles with the issue on a daily basis. I didn't have a defining traumatic experience, thought...instead I endured years of mental trauma from my the people who were supposed to care for me the most.

Also like you, I'd like to get my "old" body back...or at least I think I do. But part of me won't let go of the excess weight willingly out of fear of what that will bring.

Feel free to PM me any time. Support is a good thing.
 
I know how you feel. I've gone through years of self hate, self doubt, and total lack of confidence. I don't know what to tell you to do about it, though.
I can definitely sympathize. I am sorry when I hear of anyone feeling this way.
 
When I was 18.5 years old I was date raped by a guy I had only been out with twice before. :mad: To say that event devastaed me would be putting it mildly. I was embarassed, hurt, angry, ashamed, a 6 hour drive from my family and too afraid to tell them what had happend. The only reason my mom found out was that she read an old journal she found in my room when they were moving 3 years ago. I became distrustful of men yet also somewhat slutty. Apparently that is one of many behaviors common after a rape for young women. Although I was raped by a black man at an all black college it didn't make me distrustful or hateful of black men. I wouldn't say I was wise; but naive enough to know not all men were like him.
Esteem and self confidence

Posted 15 Hours Ago at 09:07 AM by Kimahri
I visited Dlist.com today. Just to surf the profiles and check out the guy pics. Several of the guy's profiles that I looked at had an interesting slant to them. These guys thought VERY well of themselves. Almost a barbaric level of self confidence. I wonder how guys manage to have that much self confidence and self love like that?

I can remember a time when I was confident and thought well of myself. I was comfortable with my cock size and general state of physical being. To label myself, I was a fratjock. The only thing was, I didn't have the elitist attitude that is commonly associated with being one. I liked almost everyone.

I can remember when that confidence and self love was shattered. And why I have such a leery attitude towards gay black males. It's not bragging, but I had several guys interested in me when I was younger. One of them...a so called friend...couldn't wait to get in my pants. He couldn't wait so much that one night when he got me trashed and I passed out in this livingroom, he fucked me. The next morning was the worst day of my life as I put two and two together and came up with four as to what happened the night before. It was a sick feeling to know that I'd been violated by someone I thought was a friend. I found out later that he'd received encouragement to do it from his other black gay friends. :wtf: I set out to beat these people senseless, but I realized that nothing I did would ever change the fact of what happened. True but still, I can understand your feeling vengeful. That day was the end of me as I knew myself. I hear you and I understand. :frown1: My therapist says I see my life in two parts. Before the rape and after the rape. That's logical. His efforts are trying to reintegrate the two parts to make my mind whole again. I resist out of fear. I'll never be a "fratjock" again, but I can get damn close. I'd like to have a body like so many of the guys here, but I fear what that may bring. You can't live your life in fear of what if. So many gay guys are shallow and if I had a body, that'd be the only reason they'd be interested. Just like why that thing happened to me when I was younger. I'm sure your therapist has told you that weight gain is also common in victims of rape. It's a subconscious desire to appear unattractive in hopes of avoiding attack again. I went through about a 2 or 3 year phase where I dressed either androgenously or wore very baggy yet feminine clothes. I started shopping at Lane Bryant even though I was barely a size 4. :redface: I made friends with a gay guy at work and soon was spending every weekend at various gay bars down the shore. Afterall, what could be more safe than a gay bar for a straight woman?

I don't know what will become of me. I am assuming this happend in college or soon after. You have made it to 36 which proves you are a survivor. I'm 36 and I have so little love and self confidence. I'll fight to try and recover, but I'll never be the same. Maybe that's a good thing? Seriously, if you were straight and someone described you as a possibility for a blind date and they said he's really nice, smart, kind of a frat/jock. I would run far and fast. IMO, that description, after a certain age is a sign of immaturity. My point, and I do have one, is that who you were prior to the rape should not be your goal. You need to find a new normal. If you can, think about the type of man you thought you would be at 40, when you were 18. Make that your goal. I've tried to find guys that have been thru the same to get support, but they either don't exist or are not willing to admit that something like that has happened to them. They exist, you are not alone! Unfortunately, many are too ashamed to speak of the experience. I think you deserve major kudos Kimahari, not just for seeking professional help; but for being brave enough to discuss this in an open forum.
It's funny how "safe" I feel here at LPSG. I've been treated well. Noone cares a lot about the details. Just accepted for who I present myself to be. I admited a seriously personal thing here. Partly in the hopes of finding another survivor. Partly in hopes to find someone to talk to. The bf is useless in things like this, so I turn to the only places I know. Isn't that a weird and wonderful thing about this place?. We are all so different, yet when one of us hurts or needs a helping hand there is always someone at LPSG to assisst us.
 
Kimhari, I was touched by your words. I've been fortunate enough to not experience this, but I have friends who have had this happen (both genders).

First of all, I respect your restraint. You realized what happened. Alot of people have a desire to either destroy the person/people who did that or run and hide. It seems like you are willing to fight through this intelligently.

In terms of self confidence, it will only come back with time. You are an adult now, and these people can't take anything from you. It seems like you are a determined guy, who deserves a second chance. I suggest you keep up with the therapy and say " fuck those people who hurt you when you were younger". Start working out again. Get your confidence back up.

You seem like a nice guy, I'm sure you have alot to offer the world.
 

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