Famous last words

What did I say last night? "We'll have to see what happens" ... was that it? Well something did happen.

I had a few beers and then this girl text me, might have spoken about her before, who always does when she's drunk asking if I'm out and wanting to tell me something important. I was a little buzzed and too tired to really re-buff her so she ended up paying me a late night visit.

What she had to say was that she really liked me and that I turned her on without even being there and that I was her weakness, that she'd do anything to make me happy. We ended up in bed, one thing led to another and we slept together.

Now I've told her before that I think she's really pretty and that I like her too, but that I don't think we have very much in common and that I can't see us going anywhere. I don't really know why it happened - maybe it's because I was lonely, maybe because I was dumped the other week and it was just nice to have someone find me attractive, maybe because it was just on a plate for me. This has really troubled me because I normally have really good self-control and will-power when it comes to things like that. Now I feel like I've not only taken advantage of her but also that I've led her into believing that I've changed the way I feel about her.

The reasons why I don't see it lasting is that I don't want someone who just wants to make me happy and is there to please me - that's a journey I feel I have to take myself first. I also don't want someone who truly believes that I am more intelligent and more practical than they are - if I feel like I've taken advantage of her now, what it's going to be like if we did go out and I had the upper hand all the time? I need someone that will challenge me, challenge my beliefs, argue with me, someone who is passionate about what they think and will fight with me about it not just lie down and roll over. This is what I think a relationship with this girl would be like. I don't see what we could achieve as a couple that we couldn't achieve as friends.

Anyone got any ideas on how I can express this to her without majorly hurting her feelings? I suppose that's not really possible is it

Comments

A very generous and mature view, as I see it, and one that will bring you benefits, as well as challenges. Having a partner who is a source of excitement and new ideas is one of the ways that I've been very lucky. Good, too, that you at least consider whether you're taking advantage of this girl, and whether you're being honest with her. Tough to do when you're together with her in your bedroom, a little buzzed, and a little down because your recent relationship collapsed. Don't beat yourself up too much over having just enjoyed the pleasure of her company that night. But when you are able to do something less sexually charged than a late night meeting at your place it sounds like you have a lot to discuss, openly. Who knows where that might lead?
 
n_g_h, they say a stiff cock has no conscience ... but its owner often does! Your conscience troubles you now even though you certainly didn't play the part of a predator. At worst, you each took advantage of the other and had a good romp in bed. Similar things happen every minute of the day all over the world. What troubles you most is your conviction that a relationship with this girl just won't work - you feel she cannot meet your need for companionship and sparks beyond the bedroom. Whether it hurts her feelings or not, you cannot rest until you have explained your feelings to her yet again. So - as gently but firmly as you can - do so. The pathway to acceptance and understanding frequently glistens with teardrops and it is not your role to run interference for others. The kindest thing you can do is talk candidly and you may yet salvage a friendship with no built-in assumptions on her part.
 
wow you really are a nice guy. I think you can really help her if you said basically what you said in your opening paragraph. Make her see that her life is more then just pleasing other people and that if she does that constantly she will end up feeling just all used up.

If she is that insecure she really may need to go to some therapy apart from you because she will hear everything you say as a put down no matter how nice you are about it.

But if you are really clever you maybe able to steer her on a path to reclaimation of self and maybe realize your purpose more on this earth.
 

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