I got back from a therapy session a few hours ago. It was my last one with this lady as my therapist. She's moving from town, but recommended a few other places. That will be a weird thing, to start "all over" with someone else ... 
If I still need it..! I feel the day is coming when I will open up to someone in real life, as I have in therapy. I am getting to know people, and I hope someone will be willing to listen to me. It is nice to say the words, not just type them down. But oh man, how typing has helped me so far!
I also broached the subject of my sexuality in therapy. I explained how I have always felt attracted to the female form in pictures and movies, how girls in porn always turned me on. But I never saw myself as asexual person back then. I never imagined anything happening for real, it was ... well, just porn!
I explained how I can sometimes feel like a gay guy, not because I have feelings for guys, but simply because I am 32, pathologically single and a virgin. Aren't those tell-tale signs of a closeted gay guy..?
She didn't answer that of course, she just asked if I would feel bad if that was the case, what my family might think and so on. I have never looked down on gay people, and I doubt my family would shun me in any way. It would be weird, that's for sure, but it would feel a bit weird bringing home a girl too
I am now starting to embrace my sexual side, starting to see myself as a sexual being. I am starting to desire sex, sex is becoming a reality, not just a fantasy. Thus, the question arose for the first time ...
... Well, I am becoming sexual, but what kind of sexual being am I becoming?
I have spent the day browsing gay communities, watching gay guys talking on youtube ... I don't know ... As I said in therapy, I can appreciate beauty in a man. I can feel myself wanting to look or behave like some other guy. Since I started improving my overall well-being, I pay more attention to my looks, my diet, my body, so of course I start paying attention ...
I also got an appointment to have my hormone levels checked, for real this time! It's a two day process, they check for a dozen hormones. Should clear up those doubts!
That's all for now. I feel like I am digging myself deeper and deeper the more I am trying to figure myself out ...
If I still need it..! I feel the day is coming when I will open up to someone in real life, as I have in therapy. I am getting to know people, and I hope someone will be willing to listen to me. It is nice to say the words, not just type them down. But oh man, how typing has helped me so far!
I also broached the subject of my sexuality in therapy. I explained how I have always felt attracted to the female form in pictures and movies, how girls in porn always turned me on. But I never saw myself as asexual person back then. I never imagined anything happening for real, it was ... well, just porn!
I explained how I can sometimes feel like a gay guy, not because I have feelings for guys, but simply because I am 32, pathologically single and a virgin. Aren't those tell-tale signs of a closeted gay guy..?
She didn't answer that of course, she just asked if I would feel bad if that was the case, what my family might think and so on. I have never looked down on gay people, and I doubt my family would shun me in any way. It would be weird, that's for sure, but it would feel a bit weird bringing home a girl too
I am now starting to embrace my sexual side, starting to see myself as a sexual being. I am starting to desire sex, sex is becoming a reality, not just a fantasy. Thus, the question arose for the first time ...
... Well, I am becoming sexual, but what kind of sexual being am I becoming?
I have spent the day browsing gay communities, watching gay guys talking on youtube ... I don't know ... As I said in therapy, I can appreciate beauty in a man. I can feel myself wanting to look or behave like some other guy. Since I started improving my overall well-being, I pay more attention to my looks, my diet, my body, so of course I start paying attention ...
I also got an appointment to have my hormone levels checked, for real this time! It's a two day process, they check for a dozen hormones. Should clear up those doubts!
That's all for now. I feel like I am digging myself deeper and deeper the more I am trying to figure myself out ...