FUNNY "SEXY" JOKES

SEXY JOKES

Jokes, Courtesy of the Maxim Mobile Website. *Hope you get a good laugh or two from these funny jokes. *Write to me and tell me which one is your favorite! **

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Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment…
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.*

“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.

“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s actually a talking clock.”*

"You're crazy. Show me how it works then!”*

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake…it’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning!”

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*A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn’t sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can’t believe that he’s seeing what he’s seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! Are you trying to drive me crazy?”

“I’m sorry to have disturbed you, sir,” she replies. “I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The man, now feeling badly, says, “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?”

The woman looks at him with a coy smile and whispers, “Pepper.”

-------

Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman says, "Please be careful with me—I'm a virgin."*

The puzzled man replies, "But you've been married three times before."*

"I know," she says. "But my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was—God, I miss him."

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she’s incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

------*


A 75-year-old man goes to confession and tells the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex last night with two 20-year-old girls and I had sex with each one three times."

The priest says, "How long has it been since your last confession, my son?"*

The man says, "I have never been to confession, I am Jewish."*

"So why are you telling me this?" asks the priest.*

The man says, "I'm telling everybody!"

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A rabbi gets in front of his congregation and says that he is leaving to go to a larger congregation that can pay him more.*

There is a hush—no one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a minivan to transport their children!" The congregation applauds.*

Sam Cohen, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay, I'll personally double his salary, and also will establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" The congregation cheers again.*

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence.*

The rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"*

Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead in the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'"

------*

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms.

“Yes we do,” he says. “Would you like to buy some?”

“No,” she replies. “But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?”

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A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me."*

She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts."*

Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That jerk owes me 800 bucks!"

-----*

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"

"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

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One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m lookin’ for the meanest, toughest, roughest hooker in the Yukon,” he said to the bartender.

“We got her,” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.”

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the door and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest, roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon.”

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “Well, you found her.” Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

“How do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner.

“I don’t,” replied the hooker, “I just thought you might like to open those beers first.”

----

A policeman is doing his usual rounds just before midnight when he passes a parking lot and notices a couple inside a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver’s seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine.

The officer knocks on the driver’s window and asks what’s going on.

“Listening to music,” the guy says.*

Pointing toward the young lady in the backseat, the officer asks, “And what’s she doing?”

“Reading a magazine, of course.”

“How old are you?” asks the officer.*

“I’m 23.”*

“And how old is she?”*

The guy looks at his watch and says, “Well, in 11 minutes she’ll be 18.”

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms...
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms -- Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

“Olympic condoms?”, she asks, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors,” he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily.

“Gold of course,” says the man proudly.

The wife responds, “Really, why don’t you wear Silver?*

"Why silver?" asks the man.*

"Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change.”:smile:

******

Laughter really is the best medine! *Have a funny "Sexy" joke you'd like to share here on my blog? *Please add by commenting below, and have a funny day! *

See more fun jokes, provocative thoughts, comments and questions, plus scintillating tidbits in my LPSG blog here: *
http://www.lpsg.org/blogs/flowerchick/

*

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