Happiness and Beauty

In the wake of my grandmother's offer to escort her to her southwest winter residences and my alarm at her insistence that i take my dog to the pound, compunded with my parents' selfish attitudes about things i wondered how it is that my parents, grand parents arrived at holding these attitudes.
So i thought about it. I looked at photos of parents, grand parents and great grand parents.
i was stricken with how beautiful these people were. what privelege they had. and their parents and grandparents before them.
historically significant people on both sides of my parents. both here in the U.S. from pre-1600 and beyond that in the UK and Europe and Scandinavia.
my paternal grandfather was hollywood handsome with the square jaw, million dollar smile and piercing blue eyes, golfer and country club socialite.
my maternal grandfather was stunning - german, classic - light blonde hair, beautiful sky blue eyes, thin straight nose , high cheek bonesand beautiful smile.
he and my other grandfather were both spoiled, boys of privilege each in his own way. they couldn't stand each other.
Great grand parents - they were in the 1920s and were dashing to Europe and Egypt and all over, ending up in Beverly Hills. They made Elizabeth Taylor look like she was in the romper room when she as in the romper room.
just tonight for some reason after looking at photos of all of these people it dawned on me that none of them were happy. never once was happiness EVER mentioned by a single soul. my own parents have been desperately unhappy and raised me and my sister to be desperately unhappy as well.
WTF is THAT shit?
fuck the this and the that and the history and the arrogance. what the fuck does that do for me in the here and now? NOTHING.
i want to be happy and content and peaceful.
my parents and their families have left a very bad legacy to me. They have left such a deep sense of unhappiness. they seem to think that this is a badge of honor, but to me its just really unhappy and i hate it.
everyone before me in my family took beauty and money to = happiness. But no one was ever happy. and i thought today, i won't be like that. i will be happy.
how i will be happy i don't necessarily know, but i do know that i will not be held an unhappy prisoner by superficial, financial/familial/political shit.
i thought of me being happy with my wife and children and having my father in attendance and realized how disgusted he would be. really. he thinks there is to be no touching at all, no laughing or encouragement. simply rigid formality.
i would love to give the man a stroke by making him witness his son enjoying his children. that would make my father shit his pants in disgust - to see a family being loving and close. It wouldn't piss off my mother, she would just sort of look and turn away, no time to be bothered with that.
i suppose the point of this blathering is that no one in my family has ever been happy or even alluded to it in the slightest way.
beauty? sure. happiness? never.
but i am happy to know that happiness is something that i value very highly and to realize i need that and will have it.
time for the old bonds of family to be broken.
i will be the first to enjoy both happiness and the beauty of a healthy family and children.

Comments

i would love to give the man a stroke by making him witness his son enjoying his children. that would make my father shit his pants in disgust -

Sounds less like a search for happiness, and more a search for rebellion against unhappiness. The two are not the same, and no happiness will be found in this.

May I suggest reading any book by the Dalai Lama, or Thich Nhat Hanh.
 
Breaking away from such a loveless legacy takes a concerted effort. I applaud your commitment to shedding the baggage that has made your life difficult.

You deserve great happiness, and I will be very pleased when I witness you finally finding it.
 
WOW.....

They really are loveless aren't they!!!!??

Money, Status and good looks are SO not everything.....

God knows money helps! and some status in nice!

As for good looks well I guess thats just a lottery, but I know and have met people with amazing personality without money or good looks who are no doubt much happier then people like ur parents hon.

Yeh I hate all that superficial bullshit too!!

Ireally hope you find the happiness u deserve!

I've no doubt u will!! :)
 

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