Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal it's so unfair
You were only 59 years young. I wasn't ready to let you go, but for some reason I'd always felt that you'd die young, before your time, before I was ready. I knew when I was probably 12 or 13 years old that you were going to die from cancer. I'm not sure how, it was just something I knew. I never told you this, but before you were diagnosed and you were talking to me about how tired you'd been, and how much pain your hip was in, I knew. I knew what it was. I knew it was time. Maybe if I had told you then to have your doctor check for cancer, you'd still be here today. I try not to think about that. The loss of you is painful enough, I don't need to add in unnecessary guilt.I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal it's so unfair
And it feels and it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels, yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away
My life will never be the same. Me, as a person, will never be the same. My view of the world will never be the same. My thoughts on death and the afterlife are forever changed. Maybe it's for the better, maybe it isn't, but it is what it is, I suppose. I feel like I'm losing you. It scares me.Heaven's so far away
And it feels, yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away
Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
Black roses and hail Mary's
Can't bring back what's taken from me
Here's another thing I never told you. I was angry when you'd told me you were choosing to be cremated. I felt it was selfish. I'm sort of ashamed for feeling that way now, but I still wish you would have planned some sort of "fake" grave... a headstone of some sort. My dead brothers are too far away for me to see with any regularity. In fact, I haven't seen either of their graves in over 20 years. I've always liked the idea of having a place to go to "visit" you. Being able to sit in the grass, talk to your headstone, leave you flowers... I wanted that so badly. I didn't say anything though, you clearly had enough stuff to deal with that my self-centered desire for a headstone shouldn't have been anywhere on your list of priorities, or even in your thoughts. I'm sorry.Show that I still care
Black roses and hail Mary's
Can't bring back what's taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade, I would
I wonder if you hear me. I'm sure you do, but going back to the idea that my thoughts on death and the afterlife are forever changed, I find myself questioning everything. I don't talk to you as much as I should, and when I do it's usually in a fit of tears, depression, frustration, sadness, and just general discontent. My apologies for that. It's just that those dark moments are the times I find myself missing and needing you the most. You always knew what to say. You always knew how to calm me down. You always knew how to make it better. Just a few-minute phone call and my head would be level again. I'd be thinking positively again. I'd have motivation and desire again. You were awesome like that.And call out your name
And if I could trade, I would
And it feels and it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it stings, yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away
Gone away, gone away
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Heaven really DOES feel so far away. At least, I hope it's far away. Questioning everything... I suspect, however, that if you are able to be here, you are. You were there for me my entire life, I'm not sure why you'd stop just because your physical life ended. I could really use you right now, too. I feel so lost sometimes. Constantly disputing the decisions I'm making. Wondering if I'm heading in any direction that I could consider a positive one for myself and my son. I miss your reason. I miss your voice. I miss the way you explained things to me, about life. You were like an all-powerful, all-knowing wizard sitting on a mountain somewhere. That's how I pictured you, sans stereotypical beard. Whenever I would come to you for advice, that's how I envisioned you. The knower of all things. The divine. Heaven's so far away
And it stings, yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away
Gone away, gone away
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I save your soul
Yeah, soul
I try to, anyway. I try to remember your essence. What you stood for. Your purpose. Your groundedness. Your perspective. Your intuition. Your genius. Your wisdom. This is why I feel like I'm losing you. I don't have as good of a grasp on these things as I used to, and I hate it. It pisses me off. Sometimes I feel like you were my "golden ticket" to happiness, and even though I know that's bullshit as I'm the only one that can make me happy, you were my teacher. You showed me the way. This is why I wasn't ready to let you go. I hadn't absorbed it all yet. I feel like it's the middle of the school year and my tutor disappeared. Yeah, soul
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
Oh please let me trade, I would
I think you know that I wouldn't REALLY trade places... I don't think... I have a pretty fucking amazing son that I would like to be here for. Is it weird, though, that I feel like I would be doing the world a favor if I could trade places with you? I feel like the Earth lost one of its greatest the moment you exhaled your last breath. You impacted so many lives in such a beautiful way. Everyone that knew you feels a piece of themselves missing now that you are gone. If reincarnation does, in fact, exist... I can easily see you being the next Dalai Lama, or someone equivalent in presence and being. That's just the type of soul you are. And call out your name
Oh please let me trade, I would
And it feels and it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels, yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away
Gone away, gone away
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Gone away, gone away