Happy Birthday, mom.

Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal it's so unfair
You were only 59 years young. I wasn't ready to let you go, but for some reason I'd always felt that you'd die young, before your time, before I was ready. I knew when I was probably 12 or 13 years old that you were going to die from cancer. I'm not sure how, it was just something I knew. I never told you this, but before you were diagnosed and you were talking to me about how tired you'd been, and how much pain your hip was in, I knew. I knew what it was. I knew it was time. Maybe if I had told you then to have your doctor check for cancer, you'd still be here today. I try not to think about that. The loss of you is painful enough, I don't need to add in unnecessary guilt.
And it feels and it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels, yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away
My life will never be the same. Me, as a person, will never be the same. My view of the world will never be the same. My thoughts on death and the afterlife are forever changed. Maybe it's for the better, maybe it isn't, but it is what it is, I suppose. I feel like I'm losing you. It scares me.
Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
Black roses and hail Mary's
Can't bring back what's taken from me
Here's another thing I never told you. I was angry when you'd told me you were choosing to be cremated. I felt it was selfish. I'm sort of ashamed for feeling that way now, but I still wish you would have planned some sort of "fake" grave... a headstone of some sort. My dead brothers are too far away for me to see with any regularity. In fact, I haven't seen either of their graves in over 20 years. I've always liked the idea of having a place to go to "visit" you. Being able to sit in the grass, talk to your headstone, leave you flowers... I wanted that so badly. I didn't say anything though, you clearly had enough stuff to deal with that my self-centered desire for a headstone shouldn't have been anywhere on your list of priorities, or even in your thoughts. I'm sorry.
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade, I would
I wonder if you hear me. I'm sure you do, but going back to the idea that my thoughts on death and the afterlife are forever changed, I find myself questioning everything. I don't talk to you as much as I should, and when I do it's usually in a fit of tears, depression, frustration, sadness, and just general discontent. My apologies for that. It's just that those dark moments are the times I find myself missing and needing you the most. You always knew what to say. You always knew how to calm me down. You always knew how to make it better. Just a few-minute phone call and my head would be level again. I'd be thinking positively again. I'd have motivation and desire again. You were awesome like that.

And it feels and it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it stings, yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away
Gone away, gone away
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Heaven really DOES feel so far away. At least, I hope it's far away. Questioning everything... I suspect, however, that if you are able to be here, you are. You were there for me my entire life, I'm not sure why you'd stop just because your physical life ended. I could really use you right now, too. I feel so lost sometimes. Constantly disputing the decisions I'm making. Wondering if I'm heading in any direction that I could consider a positive one for myself and my son. I miss your reason. I miss your voice. I miss the way you explained things to me, about life. You were like an all-powerful, all-knowing wizard sitting on a mountain somewhere. That's how I pictured you, sans stereotypical beard. Whenever I would come to you for advice, that's how I envisioned you. The knower of all things. The divine.
I save your soul
Yeah, soul
I try to, anyway. I try to remember your essence. What you stood for. Your purpose. Your groundedness. Your perspective. Your intuition. Your genius. Your wisdom. This is why I feel like I'm losing you. I don't have as good of a grasp on these things as I used to, and I hate it. It pisses me off. Sometimes I feel like you were my "golden ticket" to happiness, and even though I know that's bullshit as I'm the only one that can make me happy, you were my teacher. You showed me the way. This is why I wasn't ready to let you go. I hadn't absorbed it all yet. I feel like it's the middle of the school year and my tutor disappeared.
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
Oh please let me trade, I would
I think you know that I wouldn't REALLY trade places... I don't think... I have a pretty fucking amazing son that I would like to be here for. Is it weird, though, that I feel like I would be doing the world a favor if I could trade places with you? I feel like the Earth lost one of its greatest the moment you exhaled your last breath. You impacted so many lives in such a beautiful way. Everyone that knew you feels a piece of themselves missing now that you are gone. If reincarnation does, in fact, exist... I can easily see you being the next Dalai Lama, or someone equivalent in presence and being. That's just the type of soul you are.

And it feels and it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels, yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away
Gone away, gone away
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Gone away, gone away
I'm sorry. This is supposed to be the anniversary of your birth, not your death, and this whole conversation seems a bit dark for a birthday. I just miss you. I don't think about you enough because it hurts. I do remember the positive things of course, and I do have happy memories and happy thoughts and it isn't like I burst into a waterfall of tears every time you cross my mind, but I still don't feel like I think about you as much as I should. I'll try to do better. I'll say hi more often as well. I hope you understand my pain and where I'm coming from. You were the single most important person in my world for 24 years, it's hard to adjust. I think I'm doing pretty well, considering that the ONE person that I know could help me get through this the best is the very person that I'm writing to. I love you, mom. With every single atom of my being, I love you. Tell everyone I said hi, and that I miss and love them too. Don't catch heaven on fire with the 66 birthday candles igniting your cake. :wink:

Comments

Not dark. Expressively touching. You poured so much of yourself into this.
I had to grab tissues halfway through because as a mom myself, how you describe yours is who I'm striving to be for my 7yr old daughter.

It's eerie, but every night when I put her to bed (she always always has to have stories) tonight she asked me "What do you want to do when you die?"

I had no idea what she meant. I thought she meant what would I be doing after death.
She explained if I wanted to be buried or 'burned up like greatgrandpa and everyone touched his ashes and said something nice.'

I told her that my dad wants a viking burial where he's floated out on a raft which is set on fire at sea.
(She looked horrified and exclaimed "That's littering! The coral is dying!"--she's learning about that in school)

I told her that Daddy once said he'd like to be cremated and his ashes put into plastic easter eggs and hidden in a cemetery.
(She looked horrifed, but giggled and said, "Please don't let him put chocolates in those.")

Then I told her I'd prefer to have my body donated to science. All my body parts that can be used to save someone else--that's what I'd want.
She started crying and I didn't understand why at first. Like you, she hoped I'd be buried so she could visit me. She even had ideas for my headstone, lil morbid bugger.
I told her she could get me the headstone even if there was no grave. That she could put it in her living room like a decoration.
("No... I don't want it IN the house. In my garden!")

The memories will be with us forever, shaping us and having us aspire to be the great people we've known in our lives.
Thank you for sharing this--it must have been very difficult to write and your mom passed on so much of her good to you.
Happy Birthday to your mother. :beerchug:


“People are like stained-glass windows.
They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in,
their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”
--Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
 
Gosh I wondered where ya gone... Now I know, and yet saddened. To say so much about how ya feel and carries on inside ya. Yet a wonderful tribute to her. :eek:)

I am too insignificant to say any more than my appreciation through simple words.

In a wee way every life your mum has touched will always carry on, as we see her in you without really knowing her.
 
i agree. lost my dad to cancer. and i fear i will get it some day as well. thanks for the post.
 

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