He ain't lucky, he's my lover.

And a shitty rotten horrible friend he is today. Suffice to say, I don't feel up for details about our fight right now. I am tempted to rant about his cruelty and his hatefulness and his spiteful muthafuckin' ass, but I won't.
No, actually I WILL!!! FUCK HIS SORRY ASS. (please, people, it's a public service)


He's not lucky. I'm not lucky either. I don't believe in luck. I don't know how many times I hear "YOUR HUSBAND IS A LUCKY MAN!"


NO HE ISN'T!!! Please, allow me to clarify.


  • A lucky man doesn't go off on his wife for talking to a clothed female on a webcam when we're just chitchatting girl stuffs. (AMIRITE, CHIPMUNK?!)

  • A lucky man doesn't drive off and leave his wife at a Hardee's after making her beg for money and crossing the parking lot on foot instead of parking closer because I have a really bad hip that bothers me especially since I fell down the muthafuckin' stairs AGAIN (that's how i hurt my hip in the first place). Why would I assume he would drive off? Oh because he's done it before. FOR FUNSIES. That time, I could barely walk, similar to today and he's still pulling kiddie shit.

  • A lucky man doesn't speed up to hit every bump as fast as he can, then say "WAHT?" when I start to cry in pain. Then throws a tantrum when I sob "Please say you're sorry."

  • A lucky man doesn't snap his muthafuckin' fingers when I start crying to Flogging Molly.


He's not lucky. In fact most days, he's an idiot. Or as my friend, xerxes would say, an EEJIT. My man is cruel, he is spiteful, he is a hateful piece of shit, and an asshole, and I married him. It doesn't make him lucky.
It makes me a mutha fuckin' matyr. I'm ready to sacrifice everything for a scrap of freedom.

I married a bully. That's the title of my lifetime movie. Margaret Cho will be casted as me. Chevy Chase plays my husband in this terrible tv movie. Let the hijinx ensue!



What am I listening to? Why, "LOVE THE LIE" by Sage Francis.

Comments

He's out of the house running errands at the moment so I took the time I needed to calm down and get right with myself again. Thanks, LPSG chat, for that.

He doesn't realize that the meaner he is, the less I want to want him. The more I find others attractive because he's repulsing me with wanton spiteful acts of maliciousness.
 
* hugs* If you need to talk, you know how to get ahold of me. I will be free to talk after 11 pm. You know I'm here if you need a shoulder!
 
Things have been more rough than usual. After a big long fight spanning 2 days, my husband lies to my folks today just so he can have them buy him lunch. I'm supposed to be lying down since I begged out of lunch for feeling like crap. My folks think the world of him. He lies a lot to keep that face. My parents know me, and I've always been 'emotional and overreactive' so it's easier to take his side on things. Sucks for me. Gah.

I'm hurting so much emotionally in this marriage and with all my health concerns, I really can't afford the stress my husband contributes. I blogged about it yesterday because I was so hurt and angry at him I didn't know what else to do to calm down. Writing can be a refuge. I can write a better reality or shed some perspective on a dark one.

LPSG and the community I've found here is another refuge. I can feel horrid but just logging in calms me down. My chest tightens up when I have anxiety attacks and it gets scary for me not knowing if it's just a panic attack or a heart attack. I get very scared and it's usually when he can't calm down and refuses to leave the room to allow me to calm on my own. I am very good at 'self-soothing' my therapist would say. I'm okay right now. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I'm calm and all my baggage is tucked away securely behind dem darn skeletons. I can look at my problems very clinically sometimes. Distancing myself is often the only way I can see a different angle on things. That or brainstorming with others.

How on earth do relationships work? Har, says the lady of 10yrs of marriage. I think we just flung each other at the marriage until it ran out of steam. I'm ashamed to admit my fantasies have been of others. He's been so mean for so long and not what I respect or admire in a man. In a person. Yet we have all this can't-help-it-love. He can be the worst person, yet still my best friend. I keep telling myself if ever I do anything outside the marriage, it'll be because I'm free and clear to do so--and if that means he and I realize we're better off apart (like I do sometimes) then we should part so I can create my own happiness elsewhere.

He'll never let me go, and I'm afraid to leave. What a conundrum.
 

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