How Porn Chanced Self Perception and Influenced Me
While I don’t exactly like to look into this subject, there are many ways the porn I saw influenced my ideas about expectations of myself, what I thought of myself, and who I needed to be. It also helped me to have unrealistic expectations for other guys. This is going to be a longer post, but I hope it helps explore some things.
My first porn were some playboy magazines that the neighbor left on his porch that I discovered while retrieving my cat that escaped to his porch.
I took them all and I read and jacked off to the stuff inside. I especially loved thinking about how I was showing off what I had to the two twin women in the pictures, wearing crotch less panties and their boobs hanging out. You like that?
Something about them being women didn’t exactly feel quite right, but there were guys in some of the pictures too. I enjoyed those more. The wet sudsy photos made me think of skin on skin and that really got me off.
I was around 8th grade then, and I made every careful effort to put the magazines back like they where after I was done so nobody would know.
They were hardly ever home. One day his woman waived me over.
So you found his stash eh? I am sorry, he shouldn’t be leaving it out like that. I have told him many times. She is embarrassed. I think of him picturing her like the ladies in the photos and bust up laughing and walk away. It was something I was excited that happened, but embarrassed she knew.
The magazines are never just left out there again. I look a few different times but have to give up.
As a curious teen in high school, we all talk, and show up to the computer lab early. Some of the guys started pulling up porn on the machines. We all learn how to do this.
There are a few computers that have great blind spots from others that might be in the room, and I always get to this area to get my machine. I start to check out some dudes with dicks and found some pictures of guys doing a double penetration. Fuck! That must feel amazing, to be a dude with another dude and just feeling those dicks rubbing together, all in the same tight hole.
I started seeing dudes online and comparing myself. Lots of the guys seemed to be really muscular but every dick seemed to be a bit different. I didn’t always get much time to look, when others showed up it had to be women.
I started to try and save and collect the images I found so I could have them to look at later of the guys. These were not the floppy disks but the harder smaller guys that followed those.
The pictures made me hard.
I never felt inadequate compared to the guys I saw in terms of dick size, but many of them had incredible bodies. They were just cut. I wanted to match that.
We started going into the labs to chat, and we learned how to chat with cameras to other schools. I don’t remember sound, but it was crazy to think you could see others. It was fun talking with others students.
I got a job in high school and the hours they had me working I was there by myself for a few hours. They had a computer with Internet access and I used that thing to build my collection of guys, and found all sorts of websites that housed pictures of men. Men in underwear. Men in uniform. I am remembering this huge directory called menonthenet. It was my go to to find dudes for my collection.
I tried to find the hottest dudes to add to my collection. I was picky, if he was not hot he didn’t get saved.
Fuck! Some of these guys were so incredibly hot. Some were beautiful, and I started to find guys doing guys. Guys having group sex. Guys getting blown. Most of these built up a curiosity of what this was all like to get to experience it all, but it really turned me on.
Fuck I am going to have to try living this out.
I noticed all these dudes were strong. They had muscles. Nice dicks. Hot butts.
I learned about clearing files and browsing history from my fellow porn watchers at school so we wouldn’t get caught. I did this on the machine there at work.
One day I somehow clicked the wrong button on an image to save, and it ended up being the wallpaper from the machine. Somehow I never closed the browser window after clearing everything to realize what happened. Some dude, oiled up, with a huge hard on was tiled on the machine and was discovered by the work group having to use the machine. People laughed, but others were uptight.
I got asked about it and I confessed I had been the one looking. Some guys there had a sit down with me, trying not to laugh but explained I couldn’t be looking at that stuff.
Another guy said he felt everyone’s attitude towards this stuff is what causes all this sort of curiosity. It wouldn’t be there if we all talked about it and were open and honest with our kids and didn’t have to hide all this shit. It is okay to be curious but not okay to look.
They really didn’t know what to say other than don’t be looking at that stuff on that machine. Just don’t.
But I did, and I made sure to make sure i didn’t make that same mistake again.
In college, the internet started to improve. I had a job where I could keep looking and downloading but no one said anything about it. The two guys in the back had to know. Now that I know what I do about it, it was impossible for them not to see what I spent time looking at. And I had access over the weekend and in the evenings when no one was there. They just smiled at me every day, and now I know that they knew, but they just didn’t tell.
I got to find guys with websites, and I would talk with them about how hot they were. I wanted to know what they ate, how they worked out. How could I be like them. Many didn’t write back but some did. Some told me what their lives were like and some even how ashamed they were that people were finding their pictures. Why shame? You are beautiful I would think. If I was honest about my age it really made them mad that I saw their stuff.
As I started my freshman year in college, my suitemates popped in a porn to show me after they learned I never saw an actual video. It was a straight flick, but the dude was who I watched. I loved how he made her just go wild.
I was mesmerized and they laughed. They just kicked back and watched with me. Something about letting me see that for them was like letting me experience part of doing what men do and they enjoyed my reactions.
Eventually I learned I could buy these tapes from a store in town, after I saw a few gay flicks from Bel Ami, which is a future blog entry.
Man those dudes were hot and I wanted those experiences. I wanted to surpass those dudes in how long it took to cum, how long the whole movie lasted. I wanted to be the dream and the fantasy of the guys I would have sex with.
I wanted to look more like these dudes as well. I wanted to have the rock solid body, the dick that never went down and the dick that would make any man incredibly happy.
But it never exactly worked exactly like the porn, I always had some issues trying to get inside a guy. Well except my 24 hr boyfriend, that was the easiest it ever went in anyone. And he did the work.
Why are the guys able to take dicks so easily in these movies but not in real life? This didn’t make sense to me. I tried many of the things I saw in the porns, but they just didn’t always work out.
The muscle gains also took some time but I got there. Not as incredible as some of the other guys in the gym but I was pretty happy there for a bit.
I felt strong, I felt like a man, or what these guys showed me was a man. My shoulders, chest and arms were complemented even by straight guys.
Some of my sexual experiences started to be just like the porns, except I was fucking up with the condoms and not using them like I should, they just didn’t work of me like they did with the dudes in the movies. There were all sorts of feelings after sex and encounters that were not in the movies.
I got me a few DVDs. My first was one that had fire fighters in it, and I loved it. The way the star fucked his bottom and the other dude helped. I wanted to have his experiences, I wanted to fuck just like him. Maybe I even wanted to be him. Even have the guy there to help me fuck that bottom open so he would gape.
His chest was unreal, and I imagined one day I would be hotter. I liked my face better than his, but he was still a good looking dude and I would have done him.
Eventually I came to learn that what I was watching could be looped so the guys would have a longer scene, that what we saw actually was taped over a longer period of time and some of the sequences were off.
And with my experience I learned fast that things just don’t always happen the way they did in the movies.
I had issues with how I looked completely naked, even though every guy told me I was perfect. I was made for porn, I was huge. I kept trying to compare my self to these ultra strong guys that where older than I was and I didn’t even have a full man body until later on than other guys. But I kept being called a fantasy guy, I still didn’t believe it.
I did not get the connection that these guys had years on me for building their bodies, that I was trying to compare myself to characters that really didn’t exist or were much shorter than me so their dicks looked like mine, but they really were not as big. As far as I knew, they looked like this all the time and fucked all the time.
I thought I was normal sized like them, but I learned I was not. I learned in experiences that I couldn’t do all the things these guys did and it was unfair for me to expect guys to try to live up to my expectations. The guy that explained this to me did it gently but still laughed while he explained. He said it wasn’t bad, I just really needed to understand I was not normal sized like I kept telling people that asked.
In many porns, there was not always an emotional bond with the guy, and I fast learned that this really made the sex better. But that is hard to show in porn.
I learned that by being like what I perceived in the movies did bring attention, it did have guys that wanted to have sex, but not always the kind of guy that wanted a relationship or one that knew how to communicate. It was something I was searching for.
There were so many questions I had to learn, these guys I thought were such men but I didn’t know them. What actually makes a man?
From my discoveries and life experiences I found out so many different things, about myself and my expectations. The partner pairing in porn is more for our visual satisfaction and feeds our most basic animalistic needs and desires. It plays upon our past experiences and preys upon emotions from the past we have never come to terms with or are even aware of.
Guys in uniform, particularly fire fighters appeal to me feeling safe and secure. Guys that are strong appeal because they should care about their health and other peoples health. They look like they get things done and they are there to make you happy.
Notice the word should above. Guys that can fuck great appeal because they can offer pleasure and comfort in a crazy world. Who doesn’t want to feel good?
And a big powerful man is a good provider right?
Life has taught me what a real man is, and it is so much more complicated than what we see in porn. The imagery in porn helps reinforce our needs for safety, for a provider, for strength, and for power. It helps us fantasize about what the men in our lives should provide. It helps us desire those that offer us pleasure and make us feel good. It helps to reinforce gender stereotypes as to what our functions as men are supposed to be. Even as sexual objects to be desired and as objects to be worshipped.
For a real man, for me I learned what some of my needs are.
It’s not the size of his dick.
It’s not the sex. It would be great but it is not the most important thing.
It’s not the butt.
It is not the way he blows your dick, but that may play a role in your attraction.
It’s communication.
It’s about respect and being able to work collaboratively together.
It’s about trust.
It’s about being there for yourself and others.
It’s about doing your best.
It’s about having compassion and smarts.
It’s so much more.
It is about what you can do to help, and respecting people’s boundaries.
It’s about understanding others and their needs.
It is about understanding your self and your feelings.
It is about finding solutions to problems together.
It is about drawing healthy boundaries and knowing how to respect your self.
Being able to work towards common goals.
It shouldn’t be about having to have power or control.
It shouldn’t be about having to provide and what you provide makes you a man. It can make you feel like a man to provide but it is not a role you have to take on to save everyone else but yourself.
It should not be about possession.
It shouldn’t be about what you can get out of the situation.
It shouldn’t be about getting your own way, and you should not always get your way all the time.
It isn’t about being big, about having the perfect body.
It isn’t about control or force.
It never should be about violence or abuse to get what you want.
But here is the funny part. The things that make men men end up being what makes a human a good human. That at the end of the day, this is applicable to what makes a woman a woman and what makes her amazing.
Most of this you won’t find in porn, so don’t make the same mistakes and try to compare yourself to the men in porn. Biological functions sure. Maybe some new techniques to try out, but I say that with caution. But most everything else is probably not relevant to you, and should not be compared to how you measure up or see yourself as a man.
One last thought, I have found that porn can help us to have unrealistic expectations in our potential mates for having an amazing body and other sexual stuff. We really end up missing out on amazing people when we just search for perfection or expect it all the time. Surface is surface, but it is rarely if not ever all in the same packaging.
Ask your self what is hot and do the work to figure out why.
While I don’t exactly like to look into this subject, there are many ways the porn I saw influenced my ideas about expectations of myself, what I thought of myself, and who I needed to be. It also helped me to have unrealistic expectations for other guys. This is going to be a longer post, but I hope it helps explore some things.
My first porn were some playboy magazines that the neighbor left on his porch that I discovered while retrieving my cat that escaped to his porch.
I took them all and I read and jacked off to the stuff inside. I especially loved thinking about how I was showing off what I had to the two twin women in the pictures, wearing crotch less panties and their boobs hanging out. You like that?
Something about them being women didn’t exactly feel quite right, but there were guys in some of the pictures too. I enjoyed those more. The wet sudsy photos made me think of skin on skin and that really got me off.
I was around 8th grade then, and I made every careful effort to put the magazines back like they where after I was done so nobody would know.
They were hardly ever home. One day his woman waived me over.
So you found his stash eh? I am sorry, he shouldn’t be leaving it out like that. I have told him many times. She is embarrassed. I think of him picturing her like the ladies in the photos and bust up laughing and walk away. It was something I was excited that happened, but embarrassed she knew.
The magazines are never just left out there again. I look a few different times but have to give up.
As a curious teen in high school, we all talk, and show up to the computer lab early. Some of the guys started pulling up porn on the machines. We all learn how to do this.
There are a few computers that have great blind spots from others that might be in the room, and I always get to this area to get my machine. I start to check out some dudes with dicks and found some pictures of guys doing a double penetration. Fuck! That must feel amazing, to be a dude with another dude and just feeling those dicks rubbing together, all in the same tight hole.
I started seeing dudes online and comparing myself. Lots of the guys seemed to be really muscular but every dick seemed to be a bit different. I didn’t always get much time to look, when others showed up it had to be women.
I started to try and save and collect the images I found so I could have them to look at later of the guys. These were not the floppy disks but the harder smaller guys that followed those.
The pictures made me hard.
I never felt inadequate compared to the guys I saw in terms of dick size, but many of them had incredible bodies. They were just cut. I wanted to match that.
We started going into the labs to chat, and we learned how to chat with cameras to other schools. I don’t remember sound, but it was crazy to think you could see others. It was fun talking with others students.
I got a job in high school and the hours they had me working I was there by myself for a few hours. They had a computer with Internet access and I used that thing to build my collection of guys, and found all sorts of websites that housed pictures of men. Men in underwear. Men in uniform. I am remembering this huge directory called menonthenet. It was my go to to find dudes for my collection.
I tried to find the hottest dudes to add to my collection. I was picky, if he was not hot he didn’t get saved.
Fuck! Some of these guys were so incredibly hot. Some were beautiful, and I started to find guys doing guys. Guys having group sex. Guys getting blown. Most of these built up a curiosity of what this was all like to get to experience it all, but it really turned me on.
Fuck I am going to have to try living this out.
I noticed all these dudes were strong. They had muscles. Nice dicks. Hot butts.
I learned about clearing files and browsing history from my fellow porn watchers at school so we wouldn’t get caught. I did this on the machine there at work.
One day I somehow clicked the wrong button on an image to save, and it ended up being the wallpaper from the machine. Somehow I never closed the browser window after clearing everything to realize what happened. Some dude, oiled up, with a huge hard on was tiled on the machine and was discovered by the work group having to use the machine. People laughed, but others were uptight.
I got asked about it and I confessed I had been the one looking. Some guys there had a sit down with me, trying not to laugh but explained I couldn’t be looking at that stuff.
Another guy said he felt everyone’s attitude towards this stuff is what causes all this sort of curiosity. It wouldn’t be there if we all talked about it and were open and honest with our kids and didn’t have to hide all this shit. It is okay to be curious but not okay to look.
They really didn’t know what to say other than don’t be looking at that stuff on that machine. Just don’t.
But I did, and I made sure to make sure i didn’t make that same mistake again.
In college, the internet started to improve. I had a job where I could keep looking and downloading but no one said anything about it. The two guys in the back had to know. Now that I know what I do about it, it was impossible for them not to see what I spent time looking at. And I had access over the weekend and in the evenings when no one was there. They just smiled at me every day, and now I know that they knew, but they just didn’t tell.
I got to find guys with websites, and I would talk with them about how hot they were. I wanted to know what they ate, how they worked out. How could I be like them. Many didn’t write back but some did. Some told me what their lives were like and some even how ashamed they were that people were finding their pictures. Why shame? You are beautiful I would think. If I was honest about my age it really made them mad that I saw their stuff.
As I started my freshman year in college, my suitemates popped in a porn to show me after they learned I never saw an actual video. It was a straight flick, but the dude was who I watched. I loved how he made her just go wild.
I was mesmerized and they laughed. They just kicked back and watched with me. Something about letting me see that for them was like letting me experience part of doing what men do and they enjoyed my reactions.
Eventually I learned I could buy these tapes from a store in town, after I saw a few gay flicks from Bel Ami, which is a future blog entry.
Man those dudes were hot and I wanted those experiences. I wanted to surpass those dudes in how long it took to cum, how long the whole movie lasted. I wanted to be the dream and the fantasy of the guys I would have sex with.
I wanted to look more like these dudes as well. I wanted to have the rock solid body, the dick that never went down and the dick that would make any man incredibly happy.
But it never exactly worked exactly like the porn, I always had some issues trying to get inside a guy. Well except my 24 hr boyfriend, that was the easiest it ever went in anyone. And he did the work.
Why are the guys able to take dicks so easily in these movies but not in real life? This didn’t make sense to me. I tried many of the things I saw in the porns, but they just didn’t always work out.
The muscle gains also took some time but I got there. Not as incredible as some of the other guys in the gym but I was pretty happy there for a bit.
I felt strong, I felt like a man, or what these guys showed me was a man. My shoulders, chest and arms were complemented even by straight guys.
Some of my sexual experiences started to be just like the porns, except I was fucking up with the condoms and not using them like I should, they just didn’t work of me like they did with the dudes in the movies. There were all sorts of feelings after sex and encounters that were not in the movies.
I got me a few DVDs. My first was one that had fire fighters in it, and I loved it. The way the star fucked his bottom and the other dude helped. I wanted to have his experiences, I wanted to fuck just like him. Maybe I even wanted to be him. Even have the guy there to help me fuck that bottom open so he would gape.
His chest was unreal, and I imagined one day I would be hotter. I liked my face better than his, but he was still a good looking dude and I would have done him.
Eventually I came to learn that what I was watching could be looped so the guys would have a longer scene, that what we saw actually was taped over a longer period of time and some of the sequences were off.
And with my experience I learned fast that things just don’t always happen the way they did in the movies.
I had issues with how I looked completely naked, even though every guy told me I was perfect. I was made for porn, I was huge. I kept trying to compare my self to these ultra strong guys that where older than I was and I didn’t even have a full man body until later on than other guys. But I kept being called a fantasy guy, I still didn’t believe it.
I did not get the connection that these guys had years on me for building their bodies, that I was trying to compare myself to characters that really didn’t exist or were much shorter than me so their dicks looked like mine, but they really were not as big. As far as I knew, they looked like this all the time and fucked all the time.
I thought I was normal sized like them, but I learned I was not. I learned in experiences that I couldn’t do all the things these guys did and it was unfair for me to expect guys to try to live up to my expectations. The guy that explained this to me did it gently but still laughed while he explained. He said it wasn’t bad, I just really needed to understand I was not normal sized like I kept telling people that asked.
In many porns, there was not always an emotional bond with the guy, and I fast learned that this really made the sex better. But that is hard to show in porn.
I learned that by being like what I perceived in the movies did bring attention, it did have guys that wanted to have sex, but not always the kind of guy that wanted a relationship or one that knew how to communicate. It was something I was searching for.
There were so many questions I had to learn, these guys I thought were such men but I didn’t know them. What actually makes a man?
From my discoveries and life experiences I found out so many different things, about myself and my expectations. The partner pairing in porn is more for our visual satisfaction and feeds our most basic animalistic needs and desires. It plays upon our past experiences and preys upon emotions from the past we have never come to terms with or are even aware of.
Guys in uniform, particularly fire fighters appeal to me feeling safe and secure. Guys that are strong appeal because they should care about their health and other peoples health. They look like they get things done and they are there to make you happy.
Notice the word should above. Guys that can fuck great appeal because they can offer pleasure and comfort in a crazy world. Who doesn’t want to feel good?
And a big powerful man is a good provider right?
Life has taught me what a real man is, and it is so much more complicated than what we see in porn. The imagery in porn helps reinforce our needs for safety, for a provider, for strength, and for power. It helps us fantasize about what the men in our lives should provide. It helps us desire those that offer us pleasure and make us feel good. It helps to reinforce gender stereotypes as to what our functions as men are supposed to be. Even as sexual objects to be desired and as objects to be worshipped.
For a real man, for me I learned what some of my needs are.
It’s not the size of his dick.
It’s not the sex. It would be great but it is not the most important thing.
It’s not the butt.
It is not the way he blows your dick, but that may play a role in your attraction.
It’s communication.
It’s about respect and being able to work collaboratively together.
It’s about trust.
It’s about being there for yourself and others.
It’s about doing your best.
It’s about having compassion and smarts.
It’s so much more.
It is about what you can do to help, and respecting people’s boundaries.
It’s about understanding others and their needs.
It is about understanding your self and your feelings.
It is about finding solutions to problems together.
It is about drawing healthy boundaries and knowing how to respect your self.
Being able to work towards common goals.
It shouldn’t be about having to have power or control.
It shouldn’t be about having to provide and what you provide makes you a man. It can make you feel like a man to provide but it is not a role you have to take on to save everyone else but yourself.
It should not be about possession.
It shouldn’t be about what you can get out of the situation.
It shouldn’t be about getting your own way, and you should not always get your way all the time.
It isn’t about being big, about having the perfect body.
It isn’t about control or force.
It never should be about violence or abuse to get what you want.
But here is the funny part. The things that make men men end up being what makes a human a good human. That at the end of the day, this is applicable to what makes a woman a woman and what makes her amazing.
Most of this you won’t find in porn, so don’t make the same mistakes and try to compare yourself to the men in porn. Biological functions sure. Maybe some new techniques to try out, but I say that with caution. But most everything else is probably not relevant to you, and should not be compared to how you measure up or see yourself as a man.
One last thought, I have found that porn can help us to have unrealistic expectations in our potential mates for having an amazing body and other sexual stuff. We really end up missing out on amazing people when we just search for perfection or expect it all the time. Surface is surface, but it is rarely if not ever all in the same packaging.
Ask your self what is hot and do the work to figure out why.