Hunting

I wish I'd never had any success in picking guys up in "straight" bars. Maybe if I'd gotten my ass kicked or something I wouldn't keep flirting with these guys that I think are straight. I'm not trying to sleep with them. I just flirt very heavily with them. I guess I got somewhere with these guys because I'm not that much different from them. I was a Lacrosse player, I'm in a fraternity, I'm masculine, I love to drink, I love to horse around and other stuff. I'm not what they expect a gay guy to be like. They feel safer around me. I guess I never got my ass kicked because I'm a pretty big guy. I don't know.

I think I had something to prove. The "hot" gay guys seldom wanted anything to do with me. So to show them, I started picking up straight guys. Kind of like a fuck you to the community. With the exception of Tim, all my other bfs have been a bit concerned when I leave the house. Being able to pick up a guy pretty much anywhere makes my options for cheating greater. I've got no interest in cheating. I think I do it to see if I can.

Maybe I've just picked the wrong gay guys to get with. The last three bfs have been bitchy and limp wristed. Not the types of guys I would go for at all. But, they showed interest. That was the problem. For all my skill at picking up straight boys, I was terrified of trying to pick up gay boys. I mean, there was Chris Jordan. I tried so hard to pick him up that night. I finally gave up and started to leave but he grabbed my arm and told me I quit too soon. So, we sorta had a relationship for a bit there. But I couldn't keep myself out of the pit I was in.

I fell into the gay community pretty deeply. I don't even know how many guys I've slept with. I know I was averaging 3-4 guys a week between the ages of 24 and 34. There'd been several guys that had shown interest in me, but I was too busy going from bed to bed to settle down. I regret that now.

My current bf is wrong for me. I can deal with him being an ass. I mean, since I've put my foot down about things around the house, stuff's been better. I've never been anyone's bitch and I don't know why I let it go on for so long. Oh yeah I do. I have an aversion to conflict. I know after a point, I'll get tired of the argument and punch the other guy. That's gotten me into trouble already, so I do my best to avoid it. In doing that, the bf had control over me. I decided to end that in 2008. He can go back to talking to those guys online if he wants. He signed the Xterra over to me. I don't need to get him to sign anything if I want to get rid of it.

But, do I have a lot of room to talk? I'm certainly not the greatest of bfs. I have no interest in sitting around the house watching TV on the couch with my bf. I don't care about interior decorating. I don't want to go to the bfs family for the holidays. I'd rather be out drinking with my friends and playing video games. Maybe if I found a guy that was into that too, I'd be better off. But the only guys I've met that are like that have been straight boys. And I'm back to the fact I used to pick them up.

I'm 36. I should be ready to calm down and have a quiet life. But I pace around like a caged animal. I'm not a fratjock anymore. Haven't been for sometime now. Yet somewhere in my mind, I'm still living my glory days. That's why I can't settle down. I don't think I'll ever shake it. I've known guys that have gone through relationships like shit through a tin horn. Because they never really grew up and matured. I've been maturing lately. Apparently not enough though.

Comments

Well, what are you getting out of life that's enticing you to continue living it that way? Just remember... people don't do things unless they are getting something out of it. There's something about picking up straight guys that you like... something about that "caged animal" feeling that is doing something for you... otherwise you wouldn't be doing it.
 

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Kimahri
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