HUSBAND AND WIFE JOKES*
(Post Page 1 of 2)
Jokes, Courtesy of the Maxim Mobile Website. *Hope you get a good laugh or two from these funny jokes. *Write to me and tell me which one is your favorite! **
*****
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testswere done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."*
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came outwith tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!”
_____
Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
-------*
A man tells his doctor he’s unable to do all the things around the house that he used to do. After the exam, he says, “Now, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what the hell’s wrong with me.”
“In layman’s terms, you’re lazy,” says the doctor.
“OK. Now give me a medical term, so I can tell my wife.”
------
A married couple decided to spend the night of their 20th anniversary together, with the husband planning a very special night for his wife of many years.
When the big night arrived, he surprised his lady with a beautiful limo for the evening. Inside the limo were chocolate-dipped strawberries, champagne, and tickets to a show.
After the show, the husband took his wife to an expensive restaurant, where they enjoyed a wonderful meal.
At the end of the evening, they journeyed home, and to the wife’s delight, her husband brought out a small, wrapped box and gave it to her.
She gasped as she quickly tore into the wrapping. Inside the box were two perfectly round aspirins.
She looked up at her husband with a confused look on her face. “But I don’t have a headache” she stated.
A huge smile appeared on the husband's face. “Gotcha!”
------
A timid man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so one day he decided to visit a therapist. She gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. When he reached his house, the man stormed inside and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director?," his wife answered.
-----
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he just had a fight with his wife.
“Too bad,” says the bartender. “How’d it end?”
“How do you think it ended?” asks the guy. “When it was over, the old lady came to me on her hands and knees.”
“What’d she say?” asks the bartender.
“She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you freakin chicken.’”
----
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment…
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.*
“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.
“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s actually a talking clock.”*
"You're crazy. Show me how it works then!”*
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake…it’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning!”
-----
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment…
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.*
“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.
“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s actually a talking clock.”*
"You're crazy. Show me how it works then!”*
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake…it’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning!”
-----
Two married buddies are out drinking...
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, use the toilet as quietly as possible. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"*
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, jump into bed, slap my wife on the butt, and say, 'Who's horny?' and she acts like she's sound asleep. It works every time!"
-----
With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife.*
"This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache," he says.*
The wife looks at him and replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."*
He answers, "I wasn't talking to you."
-----
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.*
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.*
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.*
____
Two strangers, a man and a woman, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they are tired and fall asleep quickly—he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1 A.M., the man leans over and gently wakes the woman and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," the woman replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
"Wow! That's a fantastic idea!" he exclaims, with a huge smile on his face.
"Good," she replies. "Now, get your own damn blanket!"
******
Laughter really is the best medine! *Have a funny "Husband/Wife" joke you'd like to share here on my blog? *Please add by commenting below, and have a funny day! *
See more fun jokes, provocative thoughts, comments and questions, plus scintillating tidbits in my LPSG blog here: *
http://www.lpsg.org/blogs/flowerchick/
:smile:
(Post Page 1 of 2)
Jokes, Courtesy of the Maxim Mobile Website. *Hope you get a good laugh or two from these funny jokes. *Write to me and tell me which one is your favorite! **
*****
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testswere done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."*
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came outwith tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!”
_____
Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
-------*
A man tells his doctor he’s unable to do all the things around the house that he used to do. After the exam, he says, “Now, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what the hell’s wrong with me.”
“In layman’s terms, you’re lazy,” says the doctor.
“OK. Now give me a medical term, so I can tell my wife.”
------
A married couple decided to spend the night of their 20th anniversary together, with the husband planning a very special night for his wife of many years.
When the big night arrived, he surprised his lady with a beautiful limo for the evening. Inside the limo were chocolate-dipped strawberries, champagne, and tickets to a show.
After the show, the husband took his wife to an expensive restaurant, where they enjoyed a wonderful meal.
At the end of the evening, they journeyed home, and to the wife’s delight, her husband brought out a small, wrapped box and gave it to her.
She gasped as she quickly tore into the wrapping. Inside the box were two perfectly round aspirins.
She looked up at her husband with a confused look on her face. “But I don’t have a headache” she stated.
A huge smile appeared on the husband's face. “Gotcha!”
------
A timid man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so one day he decided to visit a therapist. She gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. When he reached his house, the man stormed inside and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director?," his wife answered.
-----
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he just had a fight with his wife.
“Too bad,” says the bartender. “How’d it end?”
“How do you think it ended?” asks the guy. “When it was over, the old lady came to me on her hands and knees.”
“What’d she say?” asks the bartender.
“She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you freakin chicken.’”
----
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment…
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.*
“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.
“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s actually a talking clock.”*
"You're crazy. Show me how it works then!”*
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake…it’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning!”
-----
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment…
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.*
“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.
“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s actually a talking clock.”*
"You're crazy. Show me how it works then!”*
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake…it’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning!”
-----
Two married buddies are out drinking...
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, use the toilet as quietly as possible. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"*
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, jump into bed, slap my wife on the butt, and say, 'Who's horny?' and she acts like she's sound asleep. It works every time!"
-----
With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife.*
"This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache," he says.*
The wife looks at him and replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."*
He answers, "I wasn't talking to you."
-----
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.*
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.*
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.*
____
Two strangers, a man and a woman, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they are tired and fall asleep quickly—he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1 A.M., the man leans over and gently wakes the woman and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," the woman replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
"Wow! That's a fantastic idea!" he exclaims, with a huge smile on his face.
"Good," she replies. "Now, get your own damn blanket!"
******
Laughter really is the best medine! *Have a funny "Husband/Wife" joke you'd like to share here on my blog? *Please add by commenting below, and have a funny day! *
See more fun jokes, provocative thoughts, comments and questions, plus scintillating tidbits in my LPSG blog here: *
http://www.lpsg.org/blogs/flowerchick/
:smile: