Ok. Let’s see if I can explain this properly.
I used to be very ashamed of my sexual interests and kinks. As I entered adulthood I learned that certain kinks were not acceptable of a socialized educated person. Specifically...I enjoy bondage and inflicting pain.
No that does not mean I enjoy hurting my partner. It does mean within the boundaries of play I enjoy seeing and causing her pain during sexual play. This pain is connected to pleasure as well as I get off on making my partner orgasm more than once.
I was not self conscious about this desire until I looked up a word to define this sexual kink that it appears was in place when I was born. I didn’t like the word the day I found it and I still don’t.
Sadist.
Such an ugly word. If you didn’t know the definition you might be predisposed you dislike this word anyway. However what if the desire that is natural to you is also this ugly word? I tried for years and years to act as if I don’t like inflicting pain. That lead to sexual relationships that were shallower than they should have been. When one person will not open up honestly to say “Hey this is me and all my weird kinks. Will you accept me? Better yet will you join me?” then you’re left with no one being fully satisfied in all the ways an honest sexual relationship can satisfy. This dishonesty will cause cracks in the foundation of your relationship before you even realize the foundation is compromised.
I remember many times where I wanted to do a certain action, even as minor as spanking, but I would hold back because I don’t want her to know I’m a sadist. I would run from all forms of impact play or causing pain. It took me years and meeting the right person to learn I was being a dumbass.
When I met Pet she demanded to know more at all times. She could tell that I was more aroused during rougher play. During the very first time we had sex she had some vaginal tears due to not using lubrication. I tripped all over myself apologizing while she simply said “It’s fine. I’m ok. I liked it and I can tell you liked it”. I wouldn’t even admit to her that I enjoyed it and that something about the pain was a turn on. But she knew.
It was some time before I could say it out of my mouth, but eventually I did. Then everything opened up. I admitted to loving the pain although I couldn’t explain it. That led to other sexual admissions and that all set me free sexually.
Even today I’m not yet fully comfortable and I will couch my words with “nicer” words than what I truly want to say, but I’m far more comfortable than I was. I was made the way I was made with the kinks that I have. As of today I accept that I am who I am by the grace of God.
This was a bit rambling, but I think I covered some important parts. By the way if you thought i was a nice guy you were right. I’m still that nice guy. I just don’t mind giving you a flogging or sex being rough enough to hurt very good
. If you thought I was an asshole welp this didn’t help 

I used to be very ashamed of my sexual interests and kinks. As I entered adulthood I learned that certain kinks were not acceptable of a socialized educated person. Specifically...I enjoy bondage and inflicting pain.
No that does not mean I enjoy hurting my partner. It does mean within the boundaries of play I enjoy seeing and causing her pain during sexual play. This pain is connected to pleasure as well as I get off on making my partner orgasm more than once.
I was not self conscious about this desire until I looked up a word to define this sexual kink that it appears was in place when I was born. I didn’t like the word the day I found it and I still don’t.
Sadist.
Such an ugly word. If you didn’t know the definition you might be predisposed you dislike this word anyway. However what if the desire that is natural to you is also this ugly word? I tried for years and years to act as if I don’t like inflicting pain. That lead to sexual relationships that were shallower than they should have been. When one person will not open up honestly to say “Hey this is me and all my weird kinks. Will you accept me? Better yet will you join me?” then you’re left with no one being fully satisfied in all the ways an honest sexual relationship can satisfy. This dishonesty will cause cracks in the foundation of your relationship before you even realize the foundation is compromised.
I remember many times where I wanted to do a certain action, even as minor as spanking, but I would hold back because I don’t want her to know I’m a sadist. I would run from all forms of impact play or causing pain. It took me years and meeting the right person to learn I was being a dumbass.
When I met Pet she demanded to know more at all times. She could tell that I was more aroused during rougher play. During the very first time we had sex she had some vaginal tears due to not using lubrication. I tripped all over myself apologizing while she simply said “It’s fine. I’m ok. I liked it and I can tell you liked it”. I wouldn’t even admit to her that I enjoyed it and that something about the pain was a turn on. But she knew.
It was some time before I could say it out of my mouth, but eventually I did. Then everything opened up. I admitted to loving the pain although I couldn’t explain it. That led to other sexual admissions and that all set me free sexually.
Even today I’m not yet fully comfortable and I will couch my words with “nicer” words than what I truly want to say, but I’m far more comfortable than I was. I was made the way I was made with the kinks that I have. As of today I accept that I am who I am by the grace of God.
This was a bit rambling, but I think I covered some important parts. By the way if you thought i was a nice guy you were right. I’m still that nice guy. I just don’t mind giving you a flogging or sex being rough enough to hurt very good