I feel depressed

I'm next to be 40, I have a wonderful kid how is the joy of my life and that's it!
At my age I still have not taken a direction, one day I wake up, I have a new project, I tell about it to friends, to customers, they are all enthusiast, some of them want a partnership with me, so, I feel I can do it and it can be a good thing, ok, let's do it, my accountant starts to make it become real, I start to get first contacts, as soon as I have a website and a business card I can tell all of my customers that they can rely on me because of my new business but you know what, now I feel completely depressed, everybody trusts me besides me...
Now it's late here, about midnight, I spent a day at working in the fields with my mam, I'm tired, I watched a movie, Michael Clayton, nice story, not really my kind of movie and not what I need in these moments but that's it, I watched it in the hope to fall asleep but no chance.
I took half a tablet of a very mild antidepressant drug, usually after 30 minutes or so it makes me sleep but not tonight; I have plans for tomorrow, I want to go take a long run, than a shower (here at my apartment - where I live alone - the water pressure is not so strong so the shower is a pain in the ass), to shave and to go work at what was and still has to be my income maker for the upcoming season, yes, I live in a place where we work with tourism but compared to lot of other places with same kind of economy we only have one season, no winter season.
I know that before to sleep one shouldn't think about money issues or love affairs or whatever any bad thing but I can't do differently, I'm burning the last few money I had on the side since years and that's just to survive not to drink with friends or to go to restaurant or to travel, just basic living, you know, food, electricity, telephone bill, sat tv (that I don't watch but when my kid comes he likes to watch toons)...
The guy who wants to be my partner in the new business/company knows a little but just a little about these moments of mine and he tells me that I shouldn't think with my head but with other's one, he says "if so many people trust you and talk nicely about you why don't you trust them?".
I'm a perfectionist in life, I would like things to run like a swiss watch (I have several swiss watches and there is no one who runs same as the other...) but I always realize that perfection is not from this world and that even when you are close to it there is no come back from it, I mean, nobody will happen you got close to it, and this is in normal relation with people as in job so, why to spend so much energy and to get so over stressed by the God of perfection when I know that it can be reached? Don't ask me!
I only know that day after day things go worst, season is coming and I'm not ready, I need a shake, I need somebody next to me who can tell me a word or just to lay an hand on my shoulder. People are too selfish in these days, a few months ago my kid came to me, he looked at me and gave me two (I don't know how to explain what he did, basically he posed his hand on my shoulder twice) xxx on my shoulder, holy grail, I was like "wow, I know/knew his mother since twenty years and I had to wait for this little man to get what I was waiting since then..."
So what, oh yes, tomorrow, yes, the plan is running (if I keep loosing little weight and get back in shape I will trust myself little more than I do now), working (if weather allows), to stay a little time with my little man and... I don't know, I would only like to feel better.

sorry girls and guys, I'm home alone, I have no friends I can wake up to talk to, the only way to express my feelings is through a keyboard in the hope that somebody reads what I write.

my apologies

dg

Comments

"I'm next to be 40, I have a wonderful kid how is the joy of my life and that's it!
At my age I still have not taken a direction, one day I wake up, I have a new project, I tell about it to friends, to customers, they are all enthusiast, some of them want a partnership with me, so, I feel I can do it and it can be a good thing, ok, let's do it, my accountant starts to make it become real, I start to get first contacts, as soon as I have a website and a business card I can tell all of my customers that they can rely on me because of my new business but you know what, now I feel completely depressed, everybody trusts me besides me...
Now it's late here, about midnight, I spent a day at working in the fields with my mam, I'm tired, I watched a movie, Michael Clayton, nice story, not really my kind of movie and not what I need in these moments but that's it, I watched it in the hope to fall asleep but no chance.
I took half a tablet of a very mild antidepressant drug, usually after 30 minutes or so it makes me sleep but not tonight; I have plans for tomorrow, I want to go take a long run, than a shower (here at my apartment - where I live alone - the water pressure is not so strong so the shower is a pain in the ass), to shave and to go work at what was and still has to be my income maker for the upcoming season, yes, I live in a place where we work with tourism but compared to lot of other places with same kind of economy we only have one season, no winter season.
I know that before to sleep one shouldn't think about money issues or love affairs or whatever any bad thing but I can't do differently, I'm burning the last few money I had on the side since years and that's just to survive not to drink with friends or to go to restaurant or to travel, just basic living, you know, food, electricity, telephone bill, sat tv (that I don't watch but when my kid comes he likes to watch toons)...
The guy who wants to be my partner in the new business/company knows a little but just a little about these moments of mine and he tells me that I shouldn't think with my head but with other's one, he says "if so many people trust you and talk nicely about you why don't you trust them?".
I'm a perfectionist in life, I would like things to run like a swiss watch (I have several swiss watches and there is no one who runs same as the other...) but I always realize that perfection is not from this world and that even when you are close to it there is no come back from it, I mean, nobody will happen you got close to it, and this is in normal relation with people as in job so, why to spend so much energy and to get so over stressed by the God of perfection when I know that it can be reached? Don't ask me!
I only know that day after day things go worst, season is coming and I'm not ready, I need a shake, I need somebody next to me who can tell me a word or just to lay an hand on my shoulder. People are too selfish in these days, a few months ago my kid came to me, he looked at me and gave me two (I don't know how to explain what he did, basically he posed his hand on my shoulder twice) xxx on my shoulder, holy grail, I was like "wow, I know/knew his mother since twenty years and I had to wait for this little man to get what I was waiting since then..."
So what, oh yes, tomorrow, yes, the plan is running (if I keep loosing little weight and get back in shape I will trust myself little more than I do now), working (if weather allows), to stay a little time with my little man and... I don't know, I would only like to feel better.

sorry girls and guys, I'm home alone, I have no friends I can wake up to talk to, the only way to express my feelings is through a keyboard in the hope that somebody reads what I write.

my apologies"

--dg

DG--

You are doing something new and enterprising with your life. And it is never too late at any age.

It is only too late when you die. Remember that.

At least you sit down and watch cartoons with your son, some men don't even do that with their kids.

Count your blessings and appreciate the good with the bad.
 
Ciao,

proprio nei giorni in cui scrivevi questo tuo messaggio, stavo passando i giorni peggiori della mia vita. Mi stavo separando (preparavo gli scatoloni mentre in casa c'era anche il partner) e mi accingevo a tornare in Italia. Ero vissuto 5 anni in Svizzera, lasciandomi alle spalle tutto (ottimo lavoro, amici, nipoti che adoro) per vivere con il ragazzo con cui avevo da 5 anni un legame.

Ora non sono depresso come lo eri tu, ma non posso far programmi, soprattutto perché ancora non sono riuscito a realizzare un'attività che mi possa dar da vivere. L'unica cosa che mi rende veramente felice è il mio nipote preferito col quale ho ora un ottimo rapporto e che 'sostituisce' l'evidente impossibilità di avere dei figli.

Bisogna comunque guardare avanti e pensare in positivo poichè si vive una volta sola e bisogna sfruttare l'occasione.

Saluti

Paolo
 

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