The night that I “outed” myself to my wife was a very tearful one for both of us. On my part, I knew that I would have to open up wounds (that had started to heal) in order for her to truly see and understand what I was on about. She ended up being in tears because she couldn’t handle seeing me in the level of pain that I was in. She also felt guilty for not detecting that the last two months have been hell for me. (Bear in mind that I outed myself to her about three months ago) She apologised for that and I reassured her that she didn’t pick it up because I didn’t want her to. (…and the Oscar goes to…)
Her immediate reaction was one of: she loves me as a package deal and my being bisexual doesn’t change a thing. With that said and done, if the positive changes and growth have been as a result of my being bisexual, then she is in fact grateful that I am. I still tear up when I go back to those words. Yes, I did tell her that all of this started with my friendship and how I wound up going down this road as a result of it. I explained to her that based on my values system and the fact that I believe that I am both, a monogamous and an emotional bisexual – I need to have intimate emotional relationships with both men and women, but I only need to have sexual relations with one person…which if our relationship were to ever end may end up being with a man – I do not NEED to have sexual relations with men, but I do need to be able to have deep friendships with other men – not as lovers but also not on a superficial level. She is able to accept that.
At first I felt an incredible sense of relief…just knowing that I am now able to deal with my issues and be to figure things out without having to hide my emotions is such a great burden off of my shoulders. Knowing that she is able to accept and love me for who I am adds to that sense of relief. However, I soon became sceptical and wondered if she REALLY got it.
Time for round two. I reminded her that it does mean that I am able to “bat for both teams”. That I am able to hold a man in my arms just as easily as I was holding her. That the more that I am able to accept myself for being bisexual, the more that I am noticing men and find myself thinking, “he’s hawt”. She acknowledged that she is aware of all of this. She constantly reminds and reassures me of her love, acceptance and support.
A couple of mornings after I had outed myself, my wife mentioned that I had told her that I could just as easily lie with a man in my arms just as she was lying in mine. She then asked me if I would ever lie with a man in that way, i.e. will I ever have sex with a man? My initial reaction was one of: Eek! Gasp! Pant! Help! I tried to avoid that question because I wasn’t sure if she was baiting me. She explained that I may end up having another emotionally intimate friendship with a man and wind up with a similar situation that I had been faced with. I quickly told her that it would never happen. I wasn’t happy with the answer that I had given her and felt that she deserved better than to have her question brushed aside.
Later on in the day I raised the question and explained my reaction and how I felt baited, but also very afraid. I told her that in all honesty, I cannot tell her that it will never happen. For a start, by being arrogant enough to believe that it wouldn’t happen would mean that I’d be letting down my guard. I told her that if I did find myself in a situation where I have developed deep feelings for a man I’d once again work towards setting boundaries. At the same time, I have learnt a lot from this experience, most especially the mere fact that being bisexual opens me up to the possibility of falling deeply in love with a man. I also made her aware of the fact that I would be overwhelmed by the guilt if I ever cheated on her, knowing that I had looked for it or encouraged it in any way would make that guilt almost unbearable. She is satisfied with my response and told me that she asked that question to establish where I am at and not out of mistrust. The mere fact that she is able to accept that I cannot offer her a definite NO, I will never end up “falling” displays just how much she trusts me.
So my journey has led me through very dark places. My dressing gown looked like the boogeyman. I was surrounded by shades of greys fading into black. It hasn’t being easy.
However, the sun is rising steadily. The shadows are fading away. The fear and confusion has subsided. Everytime I move I hear “tinkle, tinkle, tinkle” as a reminder of the broken pieces inside of me, still in need of healing. I get up, ready to face another day, not knowing what it will bring…or how it will end. I never know. Some nights I go to sleep thinking that I have everything figured out, only to rise the next morning and face confusion. Other times, I fall asleep completely depressed and wake up to a sense of having a better handle on life. I’ve learnt to take things as they come, day by day.
The new day has come and with it my journey continues. As I board the aeroplane called life, I am greeted at the door by my wife – she’s the stewardess. I give her a kiss on the lips as I hand her my ticket. She looks at it and beams. “Honey, I have a surprise for you,” she begins, “your ticket is for economy class but I used my love and bumped you up to first class – have a good trip.” I am overwhelmed as tears form in my eyes. I buckle up and close my eyes. I realise that in the midst of the confusion, pain and difficulty that still lies ahead of me, I am beautifully and wonderfully blessed.
Her immediate reaction was one of: she loves me as a package deal and my being bisexual doesn’t change a thing. With that said and done, if the positive changes and growth have been as a result of my being bisexual, then she is in fact grateful that I am. I still tear up when I go back to those words. Yes, I did tell her that all of this started with my friendship and how I wound up going down this road as a result of it. I explained to her that based on my values system and the fact that I believe that I am both, a monogamous and an emotional bisexual – I need to have intimate emotional relationships with both men and women, but I only need to have sexual relations with one person…which if our relationship were to ever end may end up being with a man – I do not NEED to have sexual relations with men, but I do need to be able to have deep friendships with other men – not as lovers but also not on a superficial level. She is able to accept that.
At first I felt an incredible sense of relief…just knowing that I am now able to deal with my issues and be to figure things out without having to hide my emotions is such a great burden off of my shoulders. Knowing that she is able to accept and love me for who I am adds to that sense of relief. However, I soon became sceptical and wondered if she REALLY got it.
Time for round two. I reminded her that it does mean that I am able to “bat for both teams”. That I am able to hold a man in my arms just as easily as I was holding her. That the more that I am able to accept myself for being bisexual, the more that I am noticing men and find myself thinking, “he’s hawt”. She acknowledged that she is aware of all of this. She constantly reminds and reassures me of her love, acceptance and support.
A couple of mornings after I had outed myself, my wife mentioned that I had told her that I could just as easily lie with a man in my arms just as she was lying in mine. She then asked me if I would ever lie with a man in that way, i.e. will I ever have sex with a man? My initial reaction was one of: Eek! Gasp! Pant! Help! I tried to avoid that question because I wasn’t sure if she was baiting me. She explained that I may end up having another emotionally intimate friendship with a man and wind up with a similar situation that I had been faced with. I quickly told her that it would never happen. I wasn’t happy with the answer that I had given her and felt that she deserved better than to have her question brushed aside.
Later on in the day I raised the question and explained my reaction and how I felt baited, but also very afraid. I told her that in all honesty, I cannot tell her that it will never happen. For a start, by being arrogant enough to believe that it wouldn’t happen would mean that I’d be letting down my guard. I told her that if I did find myself in a situation where I have developed deep feelings for a man I’d once again work towards setting boundaries. At the same time, I have learnt a lot from this experience, most especially the mere fact that being bisexual opens me up to the possibility of falling deeply in love with a man. I also made her aware of the fact that I would be overwhelmed by the guilt if I ever cheated on her, knowing that I had looked for it or encouraged it in any way would make that guilt almost unbearable. She is satisfied with my response and told me that she asked that question to establish where I am at and not out of mistrust. The mere fact that she is able to accept that I cannot offer her a definite NO, I will never end up “falling” displays just how much she trusts me.
So my journey has led me through very dark places. My dressing gown looked like the boogeyman. I was surrounded by shades of greys fading into black. It hasn’t being easy.
However, the sun is rising steadily. The shadows are fading away. The fear and confusion has subsided. Everytime I move I hear “tinkle, tinkle, tinkle” as a reminder of the broken pieces inside of me, still in need of healing. I get up, ready to face another day, not knowing what it will bring…or how it will end. I never know. Some nights I go to sleep thinking that I have everything figured out, only to rise the next morning and face confusion. Other times, I fall asleep completely depressed and wake up to a sense of having a better handle on life. I’ve learnt to take things as they come, day by day.
The new day has come and with it my journey continues. As I board the aeroplane called life, I am greeted at the door by my wife – she’s the stewardess. I give her a kiss on the lips as I hand her my ticket. She looks at it and beams. “Honey, I have a surprise for you,” she begins, “your ticket is for economy class but I used my love and bumped you up to first class – have a good trip.” I am overwhelmed as tears form in my eyes. I buckle up and close my eyes. I realise that in the midst of the confusion, pain and difficulty that still lies ahead of me, I am beautifully and wonderfully blessed.