Insecure

That's what I am..

He has always admitted and acknowledged the fact that my body isn't his ideal. Isn't the sexiest in his eyes.

It hurts. Maybe it's shallow, actually... It definitely is. Looks mean nothing long term. But social conditioning has impacted me in ways I fucking hate.

I want him to look at me and see his ideal body. It's never been the case. Never will be. He has told me more than once that my body would be more attractive to his eye if X,Y, Z was different.

It has always and always will impact how I see myself. It shouldn't, but it fucking does.

I don't like looking at me.
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I wonder, is that the imperfect (him) demanding perfection in you? I don't know you (or him to be fair) at all but I already can gather that body image is something you're not on easy terms with. This guy knows you face to face and I assume heart to heart and yet he chose not to keep this in mind by 'critiquing' your image as bluntly as he did?

Surely he'd know you'd be crushed by that? There's something that I think he is, and it conveniently rhymes with 'blunt'.

I get that you probably prefer to not be alone, but maybe this guy just isn't good for you?
 
I'm not sure what properties X, Y and Z are, but...

First of all, which things do you like or dislike about yourself? No one on this earth is perfect in every way, but still, we are attracted to some other imperfect person. And yes, looks aren't everything. So feel free to include other things as well (maybe you hate not being able to speak French/Spanish/..., or you think it's cool you know Chinese and can cook 700 desserts like a top chef).

For what you dislike, is it something you can change? Want to change? If yes, go for it. Regardless of what he thinks of you, if it makes you feel better about yourself, do it. Look for support if you need it, as not every change is easy. But set your own goals.
For the ones you dislike and can't change: no one is perfect. The perfect partner for someone is someone with whose faults we can live.
 
Does he really love you with all his heart? Honestly that's all that matter. If he doesn't, is he really the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with?

We all need to be loved. Personally, I'm simply at a stage where 100% unconditional love is all I accept. It doesn't matter if he loves my body or not - but he bloody well better love me - and part of the equation is that he doesn't use my imperfections as a weapon.
 
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I've long had troubles with insecurity about how I look. Way back when I was in 3rd grade some kid told me my ears looked like Mr. Spock (they really don't, but it bothered me). In middle school I grew my hair longer to cover up my ears. There is really nothing unusual with my ears, but even years after the passing comment it was buried deep in my mind and I was relieved to cover them with my hair. A few years after that, I finally became comfortable with the fact that my ears were just fine (they always were, but it took time for me to see them realistically).

When I was 9 years old at a lake for the day, I wouldn't take my shirt off. I was uncomfortable with how my torso looked. My dad took me aside and asked me. I told him. He was surprised because in objective reality, there was nothing at all wrong with the way I looked. In fact, I was lean, strong, healthy, nothing at all "strange" about how I looked... seems ridiculous looking back from my 54-year-old self, but I do remember that my 9-year-old self hated the way he looked. This was one reason I started weightlifting in 6th grade: to build some muscles to "distract" people's eyes from seeing my (self-perceived) ugliness.

When I was around 20 years old, my hair started to thin. In high school I had this thick, 80's-style hair parted down the middle and feathered back. I had good-looking hair and often got compliments on it and really liked my hair. And at 20, I could see that gift was starting to disappear. The same hormones that gave me a nice-looking manly body were also telling some of my hair follicles that it was time to jump ship. In my mid-twenties, I met a woman out at a club who after a while of talking told me that she liked my receding hairline. I was dumbfounded. I thought she had to be so drunk she couldn't see straight. How could anyone find something like that attractive? Well, she did. She honestly did. I came to realize that [by my personal estimates], a) some women... maybe 30%... find a man losing his hair to be unattractive, b) some women... maybe 5% like the look of a "mature hairline", and c) most women... maybe 65% really don't care too much either way.

And I think that last part applies to many physical attributes about men and women: there are a wide variety of "tastes" out there in what people find attractive or even unattractive. And in the end, physical traits do matter a some in the eyes of a partner, but there are so many more traits that matter more.
 
He told me he's with me because I'm his best friend. He does love me with his whole heart. And it is stupid, it shouldn't matter, but it does that my body doesn't look the way he wants it to. I'll be ok.. because we have true fucking love. We do. I just want him to look at me and see what I see when I look at him. I'll accept it. But will also always have moments where I feel ugly. Those moments will pass. As long as he's with me, it doesn't matter. As long as he grows old with me, that's all that matters.
 
The woman I'm seeing now checks exactly zero of the boxes on my list of ideal traits.

Turns out, like most men (and perhaps all humans) I didn't really know what I wanted/needed until she came along in my life. And her real self is far more attractive than any Build-A-Bear version of a woman from a checklist.

I'm careful to tell her the things about her that I love. She has struggled with self image and has taken medical steps to be more healthy and fit, though I got to know her beforehand. I try not to call attention to (for example) her weight loss, because I don't want her to think I'm only interested because she's smaller than before. She was a lovely woman big, and she's still a lovely woman as she loses.

She still likes to hear that she's pretty; don't we all? But I don't feel the way I feel about her because she's pretty; she's pretty because of how I feel about her.

Even though I'm well spoken, I'm still clumsy when talking about my feelings, like many men.

We have an agreement never to ask a question we don't want an honest answer for. (Do these pants make my ass look big?)

I truly hope you and your man can work past this bumpy, emotionally raw season in your relationship. I'm pulling for you over here in Dallas.

((hugs))
 

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Tight_N_Juicy
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