I'm too caught up in thought to sleep tonight - there goes my sleep schedule once more.
For about the past two months, things were going unusually well for me. I was somehow becoming surrounded by positivity in all aspects of life - I was getting myself back in shape (not stopping that), the people around me were far more enjoyable to be around, I was finally getting some responses to my resume... then I met someone and let that positive feeling take me where I shouldn't have gone. This was the longest "up" period I've had since I finished High School. I should have expected the crash - it always comes, without fail. I guess I was just hoping to ride out the wave a bit longer. I swear the shore wasn't even in sight. No, I'm lying to myself there. I saw the stormclouds forming overhead a few days ago and felt the rain a bit but I was assuming it was just something minor. I tried to resolve the feelings growing inside, instead of letting the the drizzle turn into a downpour and consume me. That was as much of a mistake as ignoring issues has been in the past, except it's more painful because I tried and failed.
I don't know why I expected what I did. I guess maybe it was the hope that I could finally pull myself from my depression. I was working hard at keeping those thoughts at bay but tonight I just give up.
I can't go to the so-called friends for a shoulder. I haven't had that sort of luxury in years. I'm constantly surrounding myself with people that just don't give a damn. People I've been in contact with 7-10 years are no more than acquaintances... Needless to say, my view on friendship has become quite jaded. There hasn't been anyone to help me through any bad situation. You normal people are lucky to have support networks.
These so-called friendships have no value (they are ALL online anyway... so further devalued) so why do I even hold onto them? They don't do me any good. They might as well just be equated to a collectible item at this point. Having someone to talk to isn't the same as having someone to talk to. Oi - it's gotten to the point that I have absolutely NO interest in "friendships" unless it's got the possibility of setting up to be something more than that. You know, not one person has ever shown any interest in my past. Yes, the present and future matter but why are you not curious as to what has made me into who I am now? Why are you so comfortable knowing 'just enough' about a person?
The worst part of it all is how much trouble I have crying. When I'm alone, it's hard to express my feelings it seems. If I'm talking to someone an in this state, I end up pouring tears. When alone, I can't even force it. I NEED that kind of release but I just can't get it. The same goes for laughter... when I truly find something funny, I simply cannot laugh when alone. Not even a chuckle. It's disturbing.
I want to start life over... but to do so requires a decent nest egg (unless one is comfortable living on the streets as a drugged whore). I don't want this environment. The people, the places, the mood, the country, the family... even my precious pets. I want to cast it all off. About the only thing I want to keep is 'me' - I don't wish to cast off who I am or why I am who I am. Despite the flaws, I love who I am. I won't get anyone else to love who I am where I am now, though. This soul needs a brand new life.
New Edit: Well. Looks like I have a job now. Working for Comcast through Brooksource. A decent-ish pick-me-up, I suppose. I start tomorrow.
For about the past two months, things were going unusually well for me. I was somehow becoming surrounded by positivity in all aspects of life - I was getting myself back in shape (not stopping that), the people around me were far more enjoyable to be around, I was finally getting some responses to my resume... then I met someone and let that positive feeling take me where I shouldn't have gone. This was the longest "up" period I've had since I finished High School. I should have expected the crash - it always comes, without fail. I guess I was just hoping to ride out the wave a bit longer. I swear the shore wasn't even in sight. No, I'm lying to myself there. I saw the stormclouds forming overhead a few days ago and felt the rain a bit but I was assuming it was just something minor. I tried to resolve the feelings growing inside, instead of letting the the drizzle turn into a downpour and consume me. That was as much of a mistake as ignoring issues has been in the past, except it's more painful because I tried and failed.
I don't know why I expected what I did. I guess maybe it was the hope that I could finally pull myself from my depression. I was working hard at keeping those thoughts at bay but tonight I just give up.
I can't go to the so-called friends for a shoulder. I haven't had that sort of luxury in years. I'm constantly surrounding myself with people that just don't give a damn. People I've been in contact with 7-10 years are no more than acquaintances... Needless to say, my view on friendship has become quite jaded. There hasn't been anyone to help me through any bad situation. You normal people are lucky to have support networks.
These so-called friendships have no value (they are ALL online anyway... so further devalued) so why do I even hold onto them? They don't do me any good. They might as well just be equated to a collectible item at this point. Having someone to talk to isn't the same as having someone to talk to. Oi - it's gotten to the point that I have absolutely NO interest in "friendships" unless it's got the possibility of setting up to be something more than that. You know, not one person has ever shown any interest in my past. Yes, the present and future matter but why are you not curious as to what has made me into who I am now? Why are you so comfortable knowing 'just enough' about a person?
The worst part of it all is how much trouble I have crying. When I'm alone, it's hard to express my feelings it seems. If I'm talking to someone an in this state, I end up pouring tears. When alone, I can't even force it. I NEED that kind of release but I just can't get it. The same goes for laughter... when I truly find something funny, I simply cannot laugh when alone. Not even a chuckle. It's disturbing.
I want to start life over... but to do so requires a decent nest egg (unless one is comfortable living on the streets as a drugged whore). I don't want this environment. The people, the places, the mood, the country, the family... even my precious pets. I want to cast it all off. About the only thing I want to keep is 'me' - I don't wish to cast off who I am or why I am who I am. Despite the flaws, I love who I am. I won't get anyone else to love who I am where I am now, though. This soul needs a brand new life.
New Edit: Well. Looks like I have a job now. Working for Comcast through Brooksource. A decent-ish pick-me-up, I suppose. I start tomorrow.