...continued from part 2
I learned from my friend and subsequent research that none of this was my fault. Kellan tried to point to two events that caused his sex addiction and I’m here to tell you that it was a steady arc of porn compulsion, culminating in my own panic when I thought he was going to (and did) switch to live partners. Gambling addicts and alcoholics are both hard-wired for sex addiction and Kellan has recovered from both. My own addiction can manifest in any form. It’s one monster, not separate ones for food, drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling or sex. It’s all one beast trying to destroy me.
Kellan texted me, ended our relationship, and then called me and took it back. The next day, 36 hours after his disclosure, he called me and ended it again. This is contrary to what any reputable therapist, 12-step group or anyone who knows anything about sex addiction. He put heavy blame on my depression and said that I’d been impossible to live with. I tried to tell him that my depression was from his rejection stemming from his sexual compulsion but he wouldn’t hear me. He insists they are separate issues…they aren’t. This was very specific; I wanted love, touch, emotional presence and for him to be my husband. He hadn’t been for a long time. I know, I could have left, but I loved him. I felt like he was my true love and he was mine. I thought we could work out whatever difficulties we had. He cites my lack of self-confidence and negativity as the nail in the coffin of our relationship. He refuses to hear the cause.
When I was on drugs, I made the decision to switch friends and cut down to a $20 bag a week. Unfortunately, it was still the same drug and the same high. Kellan is telling me that he’s doing this “his way,” but it’s easy to see that he’s still in active addiction. And it breaks my heart. On some level I think Kellan sees himself as a “stud” for fucking young guys. And that’s what he’s doing.
In a semi-retaliatory move, I met a stunning 20-something, literally the “guy on the billboard” and fucked him. It wasn’t just sex, it was a whole evening. The key in the lock for my conquest was “you are so totally my type.” I walked out of his old-Hollywood “fuck you” penthouse hours later with 1000% more self-esteem than when I walked in. When I told Kellan, all he said was “good, I told you to go fuck someone.” I’d hoped it would hurt him. If it did, he didn’t show it. I guess me screwing one guy was a pittance compared to what he’d done. A sex addict’s solution to a problem: more sex.
Kellan was the most wonderful man I knew. He was able to do to me what he did because I trusted him. I thought there would be an end to his physical and emotional rejection. He’s said a lot and all I believe are three things: he believes I’ll never forgive him and he doesn’t know who he is or what he wants. I know he was physically attracted to me for a long time. I knew that if I could get him away from the twink porn, I’d be beautiful to him again.
I’m still in shock. Single life isn’t easy after having lived with Kellan half my adult life. There’s a tiny glimmer of hope in my heart that he’ll get better and come back to me. I wish it wasn’t there. At 43, I’m no doormat. I also miss the man I love more than words could ever say. My head knows Kellan is sick. My heart knows only…heartache.
I learned from my friend and subsequent research that none of this was my fault. Kellan tried to point to two events that caused his sex addiction and I’m here to tell you that it was a steady arc of porn compulsion, culminating in my own panic when I thought he was going to (and did) switch to live partners. Gambling addicts and alcoholics are both hard-wired for sex addiction and Kellan has recovered from both. My own addiction can manifest in any form. It’s one monster, not separate ones for food, drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling or sex. It’s all one beast trying to destroy me.
Kellan texted me, ended our relationship, and then called me and took it back. The next day, 36 hours after his disclosure, he called me and ended it again. This is contrary to what any reputable therapist, 12-step group or anyone who knows anything about sex addiction. He put heavy blame on my depression and said that I’d been impossible to live with. I tried to tell him that my depression was from his rejection stemming from his sexual compulsion but he wouldn’t hear me. He insists they are separate issues…they aren’t. This was very specific; I wanted love, touch, emotional presence and for him to be my husband. He hadn’t been for a long time. I know, I could have left, but I loved him. I felt like he was my true love and he was mine. I thought we could work out whatever difficulties we had. He cites my lack of self-confidence and negativity as the nail in the coffin of our relationship. He refuses to hear the cause.
When I was on drugs, I made the decision to switch friends and cut down to a $20 bag a week. Unfortunately, it was still the same drug and the same high. Kellan is telling me that he’s doing this “his way,” but it’s easy to see that he’s still in active addiction. And it breaks my heart. On some level I think Kellan sees himself as a “stud” for fucking young guys. And that’s what he’s doing.
In a semi-retaliatory move, I met a stunning 20-something, literally the “guy on the billboard” and fucked him. It wasn’t just sex, it was a whole evening. The key in the lock for my conquest was “you are so totally my type.” I walked out of his old-Hollywood “fuck you” penthouse hours later with 1000% more self-esteem than when I walked in. When I told Kellan, all he said was “good, I told you to go fuck someone.” I’d hoped it would hurt him. If it did, he didn’t show it. I guess me screwing one guy was a pittance compared to what he’d done. A sex addict’s solution to a problem: more sex.
Kellan was the most wonderful man I knew. He was able to do to me what he did because I trusted him. I thought there would be an end to his physical and emotional rejection. He’s said a lot and all I believe are three things: he believes I’ll never forgive him and he doesn’t know who he is or what he wants. I know he was physically attracted to me for a long time. I knew that if I could get him away from the twink porn, I’d be beautiful to him again.
I’m still in shock. Single life isn’t easy after having lived with Kellan half my adult life. There’s a tiny glimmer of hope in my heart that he’ll get better and come back to me. I wish it wasn’t there. At 43, I’m no doormat. I also miss the man I love more than words could ever say. My head knows Kellan is sick. My heart knows only…heartache.